I met my boyfriend back in May. I was single for five months but was not ready to mingle.
One day I went out to eat with my brother’s girlfriend, looking unusually casual. While we had some drinks, instead of eating I received a bouquet of flowers. I found it weird, since nobody had approached me. To make that story short, he finally tried to talk to me. He was definitely not my type, so I dismissed him rather quickly. About a half hour later I turned around to look for something and both of our eyes caught each other. I felt such a weird sensation, and eventually we swapped numbers. We spoke on the phone for hours, and he didn’t even sleep before he went to open his business. We kept in contact and spoke constantly.
When we were finally intimate, I bled when we had intercourse. I was so embarrassed but did not say anything. The next day I went to the hospital and was told that it was normal, and it was probably due to the size of his penis and the time I had with no intercourse. Well, ever since that day, he took me seriously. He would send me flowers just because, he would take me out and lavish me with gifts. At first I refused them but as time progressed, eventually I accepted them. He met my family, everyone loved him. He even rented an apartment for me, completely furnished and gave me a credit card (which to his dismay I didn’t use). Since I am a full-time college student, I decided to stay at my own place, which was ok with him. He told me that it was fine, and that our apartment would be when he would come to town (he lives in a different state).
I met his brother and friends, and everywhere I went he treated me and presented me as his woman. He even took me on a trip out of the country to meet his family. While there, I was treated like a princess and he was so good to me. I could talk to him about anything. He always joked about what my friends would say to me for dating him (he said that I was too beautiful for him).
About a month ago, I told him that I saw cute outfits for his daughter (from a previous relationship), and that he should go to that store. He totally flipped on me, and told me for the 5th time that he gives his baby’s mother money to do that, and that he doesn’t have time. So, I hung up on him because I was like (WTH), anyways the next day he didn’t call me. When I finally called him, he told me that he came out of a 7-year relationship and then got involved without taking a break, and so he needed a break. I was like so after all this time, now is it that you realize that you need a break?
Some time went by, and while we were drinking, he told me that his brother had advised to break up with me. His brother said that we were moving too fast and that he should be more careful, because he has a lot more to lose. I was really hurt although I didn’t take it personally on his brother’s part. But, how can a grown man (he is 5 years older than me), be so easily influenced? Up until this day everything has changed, when he looks at me I know he loves me, but I see how he internally fights about what to do with me and our relationship. My question is should I fight for him (because I do love him), let him go or give him his break? – On Different Pages
Dear Ms. On Different Pages,
SMDH! Chile, let’s be real, do you love him or what he does for you? Remember at the beginning of your letter, and when you two first met, you said that he wasn’t your type, and you were not interested in him, and that you were not ready to mingle. It wasn’t until he lavished you with gifts, trips, and things that you had a change of heart. So, take a close look at yourself and what you truly desire with him. Remember, Ms. Honey, I’m not new to this rodeo, I peeped that you’re a full-time college student, and he is a wealthy business man.
So, is this “fighting” for him is a result that you don’t want to lose him because you will lose all the material things you stand to lose? You don’t want to lose him because you want to be the one who ends the relationship, because like he said, you’re too beautiful for him. Do you think or believe that? I’m just asking you to be honest and tell the truth.
And, let’s look at something that I find peculiar. You saw some cute outfits for his daughter and told him about it so that he could possibly go to the store and purchase them. He flips out on you and tells you that he gives his baby’s mother money for that and that he does not have the time. Well, ma’am, that is a tell-tale sign right there. If he doesn’t have time to shop, or pick up some clothes for his own daughter, then he obviously is not interested in her well-being and considers giving money to his baby’s mother as a way of being a dad. What would it take for him to drive to the store, pick up the clothes and ship them to his own daughter? If he was in a 7-year relationship with his child’s mother, then obviously they had some love, and their relationship was probably headed toward marriage. But, something happened, and he hasn’t been honest to tell you what that “something” was.
Therefore, you are the rebound chick. You’re the chick he is trying to bounce back with, and thus, he is spending money lavishly on you. When someone is hurt, in pain, or trying to move on they do irrational things like buying all these gifts, taking you trips, and getting you an apartment that neither of you use. Now, ask yourself does that make sense. Does that sound logical to you that he would be spending as he does on someone he doesn’t really know and he just met? Girl, he’s emotionally damaged, and he is using his money and spending as a way to deal with his mental and emotional feelings from his last relationship. LEAVE HIM ALONE!
He was honest about one thing, he was in a 7-year relationship, it ended, and he jumped into a new relationship with you too quickly. That is the truth. And, when he told you that, it should have been your cue to give him the deuces and thank him for the wonderful gifts, trips, and attention. But, unless you’re willing to deal with an emotional and mentally damaged man, who is going to flip out on you again and again, and who is still reeling from the break up with this baby’s mother, then do you boo! But, know that he is emotionally and mentally unavailable to you. He is using his money to hide his feelings. He is spending recklessly to compensate for whatever happened with his last relationship.
And, as far as him being easily influenced by his brother, well uhm, his brother was telling him the truth. He saw the signs, and it probably took someone like his brother to tell him the truth so that he could get a wake-up call. Yeah, it’s unfortunate that you’re involved, and you were his rebound chick. But, what are you really losing? Be thankful it this hasn’t lasted years, and he invested more by leading you to believe that he would marry you. Or, that you had children together, and one day he just up and left because he “wants to take a break.”
So, give him his break. Pull back on the relationship, and give him his space. He needs time to heal from his previous relationship. They were together 7-years, so it will take him some time to get over whatever happened between them. And, being in a relationship with you is not going to help him move on. It will only frustrate him because in his head he is comparing you to her. Don’t do this relationship with him. Get out of the relationship. And, if you want to continue dating him, keep it casual. Very casual. Continue to not take his gifts or money. Continue to not use the credit card and apartment. Just date, and keep him at arms length because he will drag you through his emotional roller coaster and you will find yourself stressed out, and unable to focus on school. Trust me, when someone wants to walk away, let them go! Fighting, holding on, and begging and pleading someone to be with you who doesn’t want to be with you is not going to make them change how they feel about you. – Terrance Dean
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Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean