Dear Bossip: My Man Told Me That He Is Spending Christmas With His Child & Baby Momma & Not With Me

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Categories: Holiday, Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships, Uncategorized

Black Couple Together

Dear Bossip,

Me and my loving boyfriend of 2 years have been living together for about 8 months.

We are both hard-working individuals that love each other dearly and want nothing but the best for one another. He’s VERY affectionate towards me, loves to cuddle, showers me with gifts of love, and has a really good heart! We are in a committed and passionate relationship. He reminds me on a daily basis that he loves me and couldn’t see himself with anyone else, which makes my heart smile every time. And, when he gets on my nerves, I could never seem to stay mad at him, because I love him that much, same vice versa.

Recently we got into an argument about Christmas and I don’t know what to do about it! He wants to spend it over his baby mom’s house so that he can be around his child instead of staying at home to spend it with me. We didn’t get a chance to do it last year, so he tells me, “You’re not gonna stop me from seeing my child.” Which is not the case because I don’t have the willpower to do such a thing. But, why not have his child come over to our house so he can spend the day with us? His child comes over and spends the night at our house all the other times. What makes this day so different?

His baby mother has other kids, a man, and a family to be around on that day, so why is she making it an obligation for him to be over there? I feel like she’s doing this on purpose because she’s going through a hard time in life, but aren’t we all going through something? Anywho, she has a 2-bedroom apartment, and we got a 3 bedroom home. Two of the bedrooms we don’t even use. So, it’s not that we don’t have the space for his child to run around and play. His child has the most fun over our house because every time it’s time for him to go back home to his mother, he throws a tantrum!

I don’t approve of him going over there on Christmas because I feel it’s unnecessary when you have a house of your own to celebrate it in. I cook, clean, and do all the essentials of what a woman supposed to do when it comes to maintaining a home. To be honest I don’t like the thought of him being over there for a long period of time because I have no idea of what’s going on. And, it’s not that I don’t trust him. I don’t trust HER! It’s her house which means she can do whatever she pleases. She can walk around butt naked if she wanted to. Who is he to tell her she can’t?

He said that he will never cheat on me and that if he really wanted to be with her, he would BE with her. Which all made sense after awhile, but why spend such an important day over your EX house?  Wouldn’t you feel awkward doing that whether he’s there to see his child or not? Him and his ex didn’t have the kind of relationship he was hoping for which is the reason behind their break-up a few months after the child was born! I have a great bond with his child and I treat him like he’s my own.

Me and his baby mom don’t have the best of relationship, and I can’t really say that it’ll ever be 100% but this is really starting to get to me. Even though I have poured my frustrations out to him so he can understand, it seems like he just don’t get it. The sad part about it is that I can’t stop him from doing what he wants to do. I just want to know why leave me all alone on Christmas?  I thought we were a couple? I understand that Christmas is just one day, but I thought you’re supposed to spend it with the ones you love? He spent Christmas over there last year when I was out of town. So, why not switch it up and do something different this year?  I LOVE MY MAN and can see a lifetime with him, but this situation of mine has run its course and I ran out of things to say. He wants me to spend the day with my family, while he spends time with her and hers. I don’t know what to do, please HELP! – Christmas Dilemma

Dear Ms. Christmas Dilemma,

LOL! Girl, grow the damn hell up! LOL! I fell out when you said, “I don’t approve of him going over there on Christmas.” Well, uhm, you can disapprove all you want, he is going to do what he wants to do. He is a grown a** man, and you are a grown a** woman. So, instead of throwing a hissy fit and a tantrum, how about you come up with a plan and work together as a couple. It’s apparent he’s running and dictating things, and you’re patting your weave running behind him. Uhm, no ma’am. Be in a partnership and create a plan together of how it’s really going to go down. But, there are some things I am hipped to in your letter:

1.) You are his girlfriend. Not his wife. You’re playing house, acting like wife, cooking, cleaning, taking care of his child by another woman, and being oh too accommodating, and, yet you’re not his wife. You’re his girlfriend. You are not married. You live together as boyfriend and girlfriend. You do not live together as husband and wife. So, please tell me what demands you can put on a boyfriend? What demands can you make on your boyfriend who has a baby momma, and he wants to spend Christmas with his child?

2.) The real reason you don’t want him at his baby momma’s house is because you are insecure. You said so in your letter when you wrote, “To be honest I don’t like the thought of him being over there for a long period of time because I have no idea of what’s going on. And, it’s not that I don’t trust him. I don’t trust HER! It’s her house which means she can do whatever she pleases. She can walk around butt naked if she wanted to.” Now, ma’am, if you weren’t insecure or thinking they are getting it in on Christmas Day, then why be bothered if he wants to spend Christmas with his child at his baby mother’s home? Why would they wait until one day out of the year to have sex? They can be getting it in every other time he goes over her house to pick up his child. But, for some reason you have a feeling something is going on without your knowledge and you’re afraid of what is going on while you’re not there.

3.) The other reason you don’t want him over there is because you don’t want to show up at your family’s home alone, and without him. Then everyone will be questioning you about where he is. You want to save face and not be judged or made to feel guilty that your man is spending Christmas with his baby momma and his child.

And, I’m glad that you have a great bond with HIS child, but it is not your child. You are still the girlfriend, trying to play the wife, yet, you are not the wife, but the girlfriend. Yes, I’m going to run this in the ground that you are the GIRLFRIEND. HIS child is not your child. And, who knows, perhaps his baby mother’s doesn’t want her child spending Christmas with you and him. Perhaps she wants her child at home with her. And, perhaps they’ve made an arrangement and agreement that no matter what that Christmas would be spent with them as a family at her home. But, in order for you to understand this, you have to get out of your feelings and emotions and stop making this about you, and grow the damn hell up and think about the child. You need to stop acting like a child and be a damn adult!

Now, you said it’s such an important day. Well, is it important to you or to him? Why is it important to you? Is it a tradition in your family that you spend it with your family? (This is me talking to the child in you who feel that it’s important to spend Christmas with your loved ones, and what Christmas meant to you as a child growing up). There are many people who spend it with their family and loved ones, but they also travel to their loved ones homes. So, perhaps he is making it a tradition for his child and that he spends it with his child and the mother of his child. And, you don’t know what the child knows or understands about spending that special day with his mother and father. Yes, you are his girlfriend, and not his wife, but does the child understand all this? The child does not have the mental or emotional capacity to figure all this out and dissect all this. You have to think of the child in this and not what YOU want!

I know what you want, you want him to spend Christmas with you – but this is what it will look like: You wake up, have a quickie, then after those twenty minutes are up, you exchange gifts which takes all but ten minutes. Then, you have breakfast, get dressed and then go have dinner at your family’s home, or his family’s home. The end. LMBAO!

Did you ever think that perhaps, and maybe, just maybe he doesn’t want to be with your family for Christmas. And, he probably doesn’t want to take you to his family’s home. But, you have to ask him these questions instead of demanding what he won’t do on Christmas. And, perhaps your relationship is not as special to him as it is to you. Yes, you probably can see yourself spending the rest of your life with him, but does he feel the same? So, sit with him and listen to what he has to say. Listen to what he is saying to you instead of you being in your head about what you want. What does he want? And, I’m going to say this again, you’re already playing house and acting like wifey, but you’re not married, and you’re giving him all the goods without having to work for anything. Hmmmm, think about that!

So, with that, I propose that you ask if you can go with him to his baby mother’s home. I don’t understand why he didn’t ask you to go with him in the first place. I mean, unless he knows that you two can’t get along. But, still he should have suggested or at least offered. I’m just saying. But, I digress.  So, if you ask to go to her house, then that means you’re going to have to grow the hell up and be a damn big girl, and get along just to get along for the sake of the child. Get over your feelings and whatever drama she has. And, if he is serious about your relationship and what you mean to him, then he has to let her know that you are not going anywhere, and that he’s building a life with you so the two of you have to learn how to get along. And, there will be no drama, BS, or childish games. You’re all adults, so learn how to act civil and think of the child.

Or, you can invite her and her family over to you BIG A** house since you have all that damn space. Invite them over for dinner, and that way you all get what you want. You have your man at home. His child is with him, and the child’s mother is with her child. Everyone wins. Sometimes you’ve got to be the bigger adult and squash the childish beef and games, and put all this aside. Remember, there is a child in the middle of all this. It’s not about you. It’s not about your man. It’s not about the baby momma. But, it’s about the child. HIS child. So, stop acting like a child, and grow up. And, in the words of Tim Gunn of Project Runway, “Make it work!” – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

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author terrance dean
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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