I’ve read several of your love and relationship blogs and I have to admit they really make my day.
I laugh till I cry but for the most part I am in utter disbelief that women could be so stupid.
However, I find myself looking at my own situation and wondering am I as blind as these women or am I in a good place and just need to ignore the negativity around me? In other words what would Bossip say?
You see I’m young – 28 years old – and very successful. I have my masters, my own car, my own place and I’m a Manager at Fortune 500 Company. I’ve been dating a 26 year old man for about a year now. I want desperately to be in a committed relationship with him because I think that’s all I’m lacking now. BUT he isn’t ready. He says he needs to settle in life and get a job and all that before he enters into a relationship. Yes, he doesn’t have a job and he also has a child which he takes better care of than his dead beat baby mother (zero baby momma drama). So, I respect what he’s saying when he says he needs to sort himself out before getting into a relationship.
However, despite not being ready to commit, he strongly asserts that I’m the one and only one he wants to be with. And, as soon as he’s ready to be in a relationship it will be with me. So, right now we’re dating exclusively…no one else it’s just me and him. It actually feels like a relationship without the title.
But, lately I can’t help feel like I’m being played for a fool. All my friends tell me he’s messing with this one and that one but I’ve never seen it for myself. I mean absolutely no evidence to prove what they’re saying. Now, I know men can be slick and live a double life but I know where he is 90% of the time so I really don’t see where he will get the time. He swears on his daughter’s life that he has never cheated on me but how can all my friends be wrong? For instance, my ex (yes my ex but more so just a good friend now) is convinced and swears by all things holy that he’s in a relationship with another woman but I don’t see it cuz I’m always with him! So I’m left to believe him over my friends.
Then there’s the money problem. We could never do anything but chill at home cuz he doesn’t have money and though I don’t mind paying, he feels guilty to always have me come out my pocket. He also is in the habit of borrowing money from me that he claims he’s gonna give me back when he gets a job. When is that? God alone knows.
So, I’m caught in a rut because I love him but don’t see the relationship going anywhere because it’s been so long and he’s yet to commit, yet he’s getting the best of me (intimately and emotionally). He tells me be patient, but how long can I wait for? Especially when I’m feeling like I’m being used. All we do is fight because every other week I’m breaking ‘things’ off with him because I’m really not happy with the situation. So tell me Bossip, do I need to be patient or run for the hills? – Ready To Do Something
Dear Ms. Ready To Do Something,
News flash: HE IS USING YOU!
Chile you may be, “Young – 28 years old – and very successful – Have your own masters, your own car, your own place and a Manager at Fortune 500 company,” but you are dumb as bricks! LOL! It’s always the ones yelling the loudest, “I got my own –ish. I can do for myself. I’m a boss.” Yet, when it comes to their relationships they are most wretched and tricked out dumba**es sitting in the meadows chewing curd like a donkey.
Here is the problem with you and your life. You said, “I want desperately to be in a committed relationship with him because I think that’s all I’m lacking now.” Baaaaaa-by! The fact that you think that you lack something, you will always be in lack. You will never be complete, and no man, or no other person can make you feel whole.
Let me hip you to something: Want only creates the desire of more wanting of something. That is why you feel as if you are lacking something. You want more money, more clothes, more things, and you just want and want and want. You see want only creates the desire of more wanting. And, you said, “I want desperately to be in a committed relationship with him.” So, desperately you will always be. BOOM! BAM! POW!
But, I’m going to share something with you and all the readers out there. The first line of the 23rd Psalm says, “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.” The operative words “shall not want.” You shall not want for the Lord provides and fulfills all your needs and desires. Not your wants! Y’all gon’ learn tuh-day!
Then you go on to say that it’s all you’re lacking. Uhm, ma’am, that is not all you’re lacking. You’re also lacking a spiritual foundation. You’re lacking a relationship with a Higher Source to help balance you and maintain your spiritual well-being. If you’re trying to find some man to replace or fill a void you are lacking, then you will always be lacking. You are already whole. You are already complete. But, because you’re so desperate and feel empty, and you have no spiritual connection to a Higher Source, you’re looking for something, or someone to make you feel whole. SMDH!
Girl, get out of that situation with that man. He is broke. He has not job. And, he’s a bum. He talking ‘bout he feels guilty about you having to come out of your pocket to pay for things. Well, stop going out. When he gets a job, and can earn his keep then he won’t feel guilty. But, until then, if he feels so guilty about having you pay for things, then keep his narrow broke a** at home.
And, another thing, this grown a** man is asking to borrow money from you, and says he’s going to pay you back?!?! Girl, please step away from the computer before I reach through this screen and punch you in the damn face! He is not going to pay you back. He is using you! You are not Bank of America, Chase, or CitiBank! Stop letting him use you as his personal ATM. STOP IT NOW! Girl, I want to strangle the –ish out of you. He is taking your money because you allow him to, and he has no intention in paying you back. He has hit the money jackpot with you. You’re so freaky ___________ ugh!!!! Girl, please remove the nut juice from your lips and back away from his nut sack.
If he can’t borrow money from any lending institution, then you should not be lending to him, or anyone for that matter. If they can’t walk into the bank and get a loan, then that should tell you something right there. They are a high-risk liability. Tell him that the Bank of Keisha has rejected his loan application, and he can no longer borrow money from your institution. He’s been DENIED!
And, Ms. Honey, he is taking your money, and doing what with it? He’s not using it to drive to a job interview. He is not using it buy a shirt and tie for his interviews. Hell, he is not even going on any job interviews. He doesn’t need a job. He’s collecting unemployment from you!! Ole trick a**! If he can fix his lips to ask you for some money, then he needs to learn how to fix his lips to go out and ask somebody for a job. Wal-Mart is hiring, so is Target, UPS, the fast food restaurants, and majority of the grocery chains. He has to want to work and stop being a lazy two-bit broke for nothing trifling trick a** dude!
(Side bar: How the hell is he taking care of his daughter if he has no job? How is he feeding her, clothing her, and taking care of the other basic necessities for a child? Oh, I get it, you’re paying for it. He’s getting the money from you to take care of his daughter. SMDH!)
Now, the fact that he has told you that he does not want to be in a relationship, then listen to what he is saying and do not date this man. He is not ready. He has nothing to offer. He has nothing to bring to the table. And, I’m sure he’s banging your lights out. But, sex is not a compromising factor or a negotiable exchange for everything he is lacking. He has NOTHING! Do you realize he has come up, but you have come down. Does that make sense to you? He’s benefiting from your situation, but you are getting nothing in return. He is not an investment. He is a liability. And, you need to stop investing in a bankrupt, out-of-business, none revenue returning bum!
He has you sitting up there waiting on him until he is ready to be a relationship. I can’t!!! I can’t!!! Don’t ever put your life on hold for someone who has nothing, is doing nothing, and making no attempts to change their nothing to a something. He has you on hold because he sees how desperate and lonely you are. And, a desperate woman is the easiest woman to take advantage of. That’s why he is taking your money, and using you to take him out.
He’s told you that he is not ready for a relationship. So what are you waiting for? What are you holding on to? He has already told you the truth – HE IS NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP. Do you not hear him? Do you have his d**k in your mouth and his balls in your ears? HE DOES NOT WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU! He has you on a permanent hold and is using you for your money and what YOU CAN DO FOR HIM. Stop it all today. Stop giving him money. Stop giving him your time. Stop investing in him and he is not investing in you and the relationship. Stop everything you’re doing for him, and see what happens. He’s going to beg and plead for you to take him back, and ask that you give him some time to get a job and things will be different. NO THEY WON’T. If he can’t be the man he’s supposed to be today, he will not be the man you need him to be tomorrow, next week, or next year. End this today and spend some time alone working on you. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!