Dear Bossip: My Friend Is An Engaged Jump-off & I Don’t Approve Of Her Lifestyle

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Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Women arguing

Dear Bossip,

First let me tell you I like that you are always giving it to people real.

Tough love is the best way to get through a thick skull.

Mr. Dean I am in a struggle with my mind and my heart. I have friend whom I have been friends with for over 12 years and I do not agree with most of her lifestyle choices. Normally I am not bothered by those choices because they do not directly affect my life, but most recently she has asked me to be in her wedding. My problem is I am a strong believer in marriage and I believe those who cannot be faithful should get married.

My friend is one of those people. Since she has been engaged she has slept with two rap stars (one of them is also recently engaged), an ex-boyfriend, a friend, and she has had not 1, not 2, not 3, but 4 abortions. None of those pregnancies were by her fiancé either. I tried to talk to her to show her without coming off as a hater that she is not acting like a woman who is engaged to be married. But, it is like talking to a brick wall. She claims that once she says, “I Do,” that her cheating ways will be behind her. I do not buy it.

The man she is engaged to seems to be a really committed man. They have one child together and she has a child from a previous relationship that he wants to adopt. Every time I think what she is out there doing I want to knock her over head because she putting this man and her child’s lives at risk, not to mention a lot of women have a hard time finding a good man. I am in a struggle with my morals and my duty as a friend. I do not want to be in a wedding that goes against everything I believe in and I do not think I can attend the wedding either. I am not sure if when the pastor asks, “Does anyone know a reason these two cannot be wed” that I won’t scream, “I object.”

I am deep in my faith and I cannot watch my friend lie before God. So, my question to you is should I walk away from this friendship so I do not compromise my morals or just stand in line at her wedding asking God to forgive me? – Confused Friend

Dear Ms. Confused Friend,

Chile, mind your business. Mind your business. Mind your business.

I understand that she is your friend and you are concerned about her and her judgments as a woman. But, she is grown. She is an adult. And, the choices she has, and is making are a result of something much deeper than what you hope to object to in her being married. Who knows what she is dealing with emotionally and mentally? Something could have happened to her as a child and this is behavior is a result of that, or those incidents. She probably hasn’t, nor won’t tell you about them because she may be too embarrassed to discuss.

But, let’s discuss the fact that you have been friends for 12 years, and you mean to tell me that in all those years you did not say anything to her about her behavior and lifestyle choices? After four abortions something should have told you that something is not right with her, and she needs some serious therapy and psychological help. Also, the fact that she is sleeping around aimlessly with various men should have also clued you in that she is dealing with issues that are deeply rooted emotionally and mentally. Or, perhaps you were benefitting from her relationships and living vicariously through her as she was spreading her legs from the east to the west coast.

If she is screwing rappers, and she is benefitting from those relationships, then guess who else is benefitting from them? You are! You’re her friend, and when she comes to you with some free tickets to a concert, or hanging out in VIP popping bottles, and she’s tricking off his money, guess who is right there with her enjoying those benefits? You are! So, did it bother then, or did you 12 years later develop some morals and values and think you’re better than her?

So, she is getting married, and her fiancé may or may not know about her lifestyle or past. What are you going to do about it? Reveal to him what she has been doing and break up their relationship. Maybe he knows. Maybe she has been forthright with him and it doesn’t bother him. Maybe he has his demons as well and she is willing to accept his, as well as he accepts hers. Just because you think he’s a nice guy that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a past. We all have a past. So, whatever arrangements the two of them, it has nothing to do with you. Their relationship is not your concern. Their relationship is between them. It doesn’t involve you or concern you. MIND YOUR BUSINESS.

I’m here to tell you that interfering in someone else’s relationship is a recipe for disaster. You may have good intentions and want the best for all parties, especially for your friend, but putting your nose into something you know nothing about, or don’t have all the details or information about, then do what you do best, MIND YOUR BUSINESS. Because if you say something, and get too involved in their relationship, and they end up breaking up, and she tells him what you said, but they end up working things out and get back together, then guess what? You’re the a**ed out friend who butted into their business, and they both will shun you and not invite you to their wedding. MIND YOUR BUSINESS.

If it bothers you that much what she is doing, and you don’t approve of her life or choices, then end your friendship. Don’t go to the wedding and you won’t have to be offended. Don’t sit up there in the front with your bridesmaid gown on rolling your eyes and sucking your teeth. Save your money, and wish her the best and move on with your life. And, unless she has asked you for your opinion about her life, and what she’s doing, and whom she’s doing, then you talking and giving your opinion and advice is all in vain.

I am a firm believer that unless someone asks you for your opinion and advice, then you do not offer it. Sometimes folks just like to vent, or share, therefore, you should reserve all your judgments and opinions because it has nothing to do with you. It doesn’t affect your life, situation, or circumstance. If they ask you what you think, then say something, but until then keep your mouth shut, and MIND YOUR BUSINESS! If she asks you for your insights, then you can let her know that you support her, and you want the best for her, but you cannot support her choices and decisions because they are detrimental to her and others. And, you truly want the best for her, and for her to have a happy life. And, if this is what makes her happy, then as my grandmother would say, “If you like it, I love it.” Don’t take her drama and issues with you into the New Year. Leave them in 2012, and you move on with a new attitude for 2013. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

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author terrance dean
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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