Dear Bossip: Before We Got Married He Agreed To Leave The Streets & Women Alone, And He Hasn’t

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Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

black urban man

Dear Bossip,

I am a 31-year old woman married with two kids.

My husband is 37-years old, and we’ve been married for three and a half years, but we’ve been together for fifteen years. He is absolutely the love of my life. I’ve dated several men, but he is the only man whom I’ve ever given a title. He is a good provider, a loving and over protective dad. When we first met I was young and dumb and had no clue as to what I wanted or needed in a man. Now, that I’m 31, I want to take my life in a more spiritual direction, however he’s still stuck in the streets.

Before we got married we agreed that he would leave the streets alone. He did a six year sentence and I was there for him the whole time. He didn’t fully appreciate this because I had a fling or two while he was locked up, but I kept it real with him.  I clearly spelled out what I did and didn’t want in our lives before we married and he agreed. We’ve been through a whole lot.

My kids and I want for nothing. But this does come at a price. Infidelity has always been a problem in our relationship. It’s never been in my face. I’m noisy, so I’ve always been a snooper. I have never actually caught him in the act. He’s never burnt me. I mainly find suspect texts or calls from women. He’ll do good for a few months, or so, but just when I give him the benefit of the doubt something suspicious always pops up. All of the women go along with whatever story he comes up with or they say nothing at all. He does have female clients in his legal profession so it’s hard to differentiate the clients from the hoes.

He makes me feel like I’m crazy and insecure. He straightens up for a while after I do something crazy or drastic. I can never get the truth out of him regarding these women (except when he was in jail). It drives me crazy and makes me act out of my character. His motto is “That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.” He’s a heavy weed smoker and drinks a lil too much at times. He spends way too much time “working,” then tries to make me feel bad because he’s out providing for the family. I have a good job. I work full-time and I am a good mom. Recently, we had a domestic dispute (over a woman) initiated by me in a public place. He ended up getting arrested when a witness called the police. The crazy part is he didn’t get arrested for the dispute, but for something far more serious and now blames me.

I feel emotionally drained and empty from this relationship. He’s not willing to go to counseling, and randomly goes to church. I’ve invested so much in this relationship and in my heart I don’t want to give it up. I’m torn to say the least. – Mrs. Emotional Roller Coaster

Dear Mrs. Emotional Roller Coaster,

Let’s see here, pulls out bull-ish calculator. Now, let’s add and get the square root that he’s a hustler (Who the hell is still doing this in 2012 going into 2013?) and it equals he’s a dumba** with no ambition. Let’s divide him getting locked up constantly, and then subtract that he’s a heavy weed smoker and drinks a lil too much (He probably getting high on his own supply! LOL!), and this equals a no street-smarts donkey. And, let’s multiply that he’s cheating and letting these hoes think they wifey, and this equals he’s a broke-a** wanna-be pimp. He needs to take several seats.

What the hell are you doing with this damn fool? SMDH! Girl, the problem is that you went back on your word. You agreed that before you got married he would leave the streets alone. That didn’t happen. So now what? You spelled everything out what you did and did not want in your lives before marriage, and he agreed. That didn’t happen. So now what?

He is not a man of his word. And, you are not a woman of your word. Neither of you have any integrity. Therefore you get what you got. Why would you expect anything to be different if neither of you were able to keep your word? Why would you expect for him to be a new man if he is not able to maintain his word? And, why would you expect for your life and world to be any different if you did not commit to your own word? I’ll wait while you ponder that. (Files nails and hums a cute little tune).

Now pay attention to this important announcement. I don’t want you to get lost. I know I may go a little fast, so I’ll take this slow for you. You wrote, “He makes me feel like I’m crazy and insecure. He straightens up for a while after I do something crazy or drastic. I can never get the truth out of him regarding these women (except when he was in jail). It drives me crazy and makes me act out of my character.” And, then you wrote, “The crazy part is he didn’t get arrested for the dispute, but for something far more serious and now blames me.” You use the word “crazy” four times. You reference it when you say that he makes you crazy, he makes you feel like you’re crazy, and your situation is crazy. The definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Therefore, I pull out my bull-ish calculator and I deduce that YOU ARE CRAZY!  Ain’t nobody got time for all this madness. Get the hell out!!!

Why are you putting up with all his BS!?! It’s not worth your sanity or well-being. He’s not impacting your children with any valuable lessons, other than it’s okay to cheat, lie, manipulate, and deceive others, and the ones you love. Oh yeah, he’s in and out of jail, he doesn’t attend church, therefore there’s no spiritual foundation, and he’s not a man of his word, so, therefore he has no integrity. And, I’m curious to know what his legal profession is if he is getting locked up? What professional job will let him keep coming back after he gets out of jail? Girl, he doesn’t and can’t have a real legal professional if he is drinking and smoking all the damn time. Where he work, McDonalds? Wal-Mart? Maintenance at the school? Mechanic at Jiffy Lube?

Look, he’s still a little boy in a grown man’s body. I bet he’s running around with corn-rolls in his head, rocking throwback jerseys, and Timbs. He probably got rims on his car, and got his stereo turned up blasting Meek Mills, Jeezy, and Lil Boosie. SMDH! Ma’am, he’s trapped in a time warp trying to hold on to his youth, and you’re trying to get him to grow up and be a man. It ain’t going to happen. Men who run the streets are not husband material. They live and belong in the streets. He hasn’t and won’t mature. He’s trapped and mentally and emotionally thwarted, and he cannot let go of what should of, could of, would have been.

It’s time to wake your a** up, and remember the commitment you gave to yourself, and the commitment you decided on when chose to get married. Those commitments are not what you have. I want you to be committed to empowering yourself. Be committed to being a great mom to your children. Be committed to leaving the streets and that environment. Be committed to a life filled with joy, happiness, peace, and love. Your life does not resemble any of what you were hoping you would get. You’re miserable, unhappy, stressed, and dealing with drama. Now, according to my math, if a+b+c does not equal a+b+c, and you’re getting x-y/x, then it’s time to redo your math.  Well, unless you went to Up The Street Public School.

Ma’am, you cannot keep putting your children’s lives in danger because of the lifestyle your husband is committed to. Chile, you don’t know these streets like you think you do. One of his own boys can be plotting on him and may want to take him and you out. Hell, one of his customers or one of them ‘hoes’ may get the bright idea to get revenge and eliminate all of you. STOP PUTTING YOUR LIFE AND YOUR CHILDREN’S LIVES ON THE LINE BECAUSE OF HIM. It’s not worth it! And, you cannot keep sacrificing your sanity, and happiness for a man who is not committed to his marriage, or being a real man or father. He can’t commit to himself, therefore how in the hell can he commit to you and his children? His only commitment is to the streets, jail, and other women. Those are the only consistent things in his life. You are not a part of that equation. It’s time to leave! Save your coins, get you a house in the suburbs some place, get your kids settled into a new environment, and do it without him. Remain in church, keep getting spiritually fed, and nourish your soul. Trust and believe, after a year or two, and when you look back on your life with him, and you see how you’ve grown and he’s still doing the same thing from the time you met him, you’ll say to yourself, “What the hell was I thinking?” – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

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author terrance dean
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Mogul      Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

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