Dear Bossip: My Husband Treated Me Badly & I Started Seeing Another Man, But I’m The Sidepiece

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Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Black Woman worrying

Dear Bossip,

He was a liar from the day I met him.

After we married, he would be deceptive about small things; who he was on the phone with (other women), videotaping girls a**es at the store, befriending/talking to people that liked him on FB, his whereabouts, and etc. He hung out at the club on most weekends and my friends/family said don’t nag, let him have fun. So, I did.

I was very heavy then and when we were out he was disrespectful, short with me, booty watching, and when we got into arguments he would say that nobody would want me. I would get mad, argue, not speak to him for a few days and we would get past it. Until he had an affair and caught something. My reaction was no reaction. I was numb, completely devastated and months later found out I was pregnant.

Fast forward several years and I’m 125lbs smaller, we now have two kids and I’m done! I’m tired of being ignored, disrespected, mistreated, unappreciated, lied too, and etc. Problem #1: I’m done and want out but now he wants our marriage to work. Now I’m the most important person in his life (yawn). He begs me stay for our family. We haven’t had sex in month. We sleep in separate bedrooms and I could care less!

Problem #2: I felt so alone, so sad about my life/myself, then about two years ago I met a man and am in love with him and care about him a great deal. We have a friendship and sexual relationship. He has a girlfriend and says that he is only with her for “loyalty” reasons. Terrance, I already know this is code word for he is never leaving her. Ever. But, mentally, emotionally, physically we connect. Some days things get so low and he is my only reason to smile. I am very depressed. I tried counseling but don’t know what to do. I want to walk away. He says he cares for me deeply but is not in love with me.

This is not how I was raised and I know it is not right but then what? It’s hard to know you are someone’s side piece and that is all you will ever be. I know I deserve better. Please help! How do I walk away? For those that will reply, be kind, and know that I am a good person who has tried to find light in a very sad situation. I cry almost every day. – Ms. Bleeding Heart

Dear Ms. Bleeding Heart,

The mistake you made was listening to your friends and family dictate to you about your relationship with a man who was disrespectful and deceptive from the beginning. Chile, you folks will learn about involving other folks in your relationships, and they don’t know the full extent of things at home. They only see that person in small intervals out of a day, and do not interact with them on the regular. So, those small glimpses do not tell the full story. No ma’am!

When you learned he was watching other women’s a**es and videotaping them, that should have been your cue to flee fast and in a hurry! When he was lying about his whereabouts, and hanging in the clubs that should have been your other exit notice to get the hell out of dodge and leave that bum alone.

Next, he cheated and caught something and brought it home to you. Girl, I don’t know how you could have gone numb. You should have numbed his d**k and nuts and cut them off. When a man brings home a disease, it is time to go! No amount of sorry, apologizing, or I won’t do it again should ever make you feel compelled to stay with him. Get out! Get out! Get out!

The final straw should have been when you were heavier and he told you that nobody would want you. WOW! When a man will berate you, beat you down, talk down to you, and verbally assault you, then please note that he is an insecure weak a** man who has no control over his life and wants to control you. He is a spineless little d**k man who knows no woman will want his trifling out-of-shape weak minded nimble nuts a**! I can’t stand a man who will talk down to a woman, berating her, attempting to destroy her self-esteem. He is weak. He is a coward. Run from these men!

And, I don’t understand why you women will put up with nonsense and behaviors you do not condone. Do you think these men will change after you come along? You devote yourself to being the loving and doting girlfriend, showering him with love and affection, and making a home for him. Then you keep catching him in lie after lie, woman after woman, and you think if you just hang in there and keep loving him that he will change. And, he promises to marry you, and things will be different, yet, he keeps doing the same thing over and over again, and once you get married he’s still doing the same bull-ish, yet, you feel he will change? Chile cheese! If this woman is you, sounds like you, or you know this woman and she is your friend, and today is New Year’s Eve, then I am advising you that nothing will change in 2013.

Whatever your man is doing now, yesterday, last week, and last month, then he will continue to do so on January 1st.  He is not changing. He is not going to be the man you want him to be in less than 24 hours, 36 hours, 7 days, 3 months, 6 months, or 9 months. He is who he is. The best thing you can do for him and yourself is to leave. Get out of the relationship and go do you!

Now, Ms. Thang, the new man you are having sex with has told you that he is not in love with you. He is with his girlfriend and is with her for “loyalty” reasons. SMDH! Why are you dealing with this fool? His girlfriend is loyal to him, yet he is not loyal to her. So, why would you want to be with someone who is not loyal? Basically, he is telling you that he doesn’t trust you because you are cheating on your husband, and he doesn’t want a woman whom he can’t trust. Therefore, he won’t ever be with you. That’s just being real. But, his tired trifling a** is disloyal and you are running after him? Girl, please stop this short bus riding and get off today!

The only reason you found comfort with that man is because you wanted to do what your husband has been doing to you for years. You wanted revenge. You wanted to make your husband feel what you’ve been feeling all these years. Uhm, boo boo, you can’t do dirt just because someone else is doing dirt. The best revenge would have been to just packed all your –ish, moved out, filed for divorce, and got alimony and child support. Hit your husband in his wallet so that every time he saw the deductions from his check it would be a constant reminder of his infidelity.

Chile, I swear you women think too damn small. You better start thinking like these wealthy rich women who get half of everything from their men. They let their husbands think they are getting over, and then BAM! After sitting at home smiling, and nodding, they plot and get all the financial papers, bank statements, and make sure that their name is on everything, the house, car, bank accounts, cell phones, wills, boats, second homes, credit cards, and anything else. Then you present everything in court. Walk away with half of his –ish!

So, I’m telling you to stop moping, and hanging on to something that is not working. If you’re done, then you’re done. Let it go and move on. Neither of those men, your husband nor your lover, are going to be the man you need or want. Neither is going to be able to provide for you mentally and emotionally. It’s time to invest in yourself and heal. You’ve been wounded by your husband who has beat you down and made you feel less than. He made you feel that you are not deserving, or can have a man who is loving, committed, and nurturing. Your lover is just another form of your husband, and he is treating you the same way. He will not commit to you, and is hurting you emotionally and mentally. See the pattern? You think he’s a good man, but he’s not. He is trifling, and cheating on his woman, yet, he says he wants loyalty. That is freaking contradiction right there. And, please don’t allow yourself to be someone’s sidepiece. You’re better than that. You deserve more. Don’t ever make yourself an option for someone and you make them a priority. Don’t allow yourself to be too downtrodden and self-defeated to allow yourself to play second fiddle in some man’s life. That’s not who you are. Stand up and stop being a doormat for men.

And, girl, tell your husband he has to go, that you’re done, you’re tired of him and tired of the marriage. You’ve done all you can, and it’s just not serving you any longer. You deserve happiness, joy, love, peace, and sanity. And, in order to have this you need to get rid of the things that are causing you drama, stress, anxiety, unhappiness, and pain. Clean house, Ms. Honey. You’ve got less than twelve hours until the New Year. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

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author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Mogul     Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

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