I live in Nashville TN and I have a question for you. The answer may be what I already know but I need some help.
I met a man on a dating website. He pursued me pretty hard and then eventually we started texting off the site, DAY and NIGHT. He was very receptive to me, asking me what I was looking for (we agreed we wanted to find a companion not necessarily marriage overnight or anything, but a commitment) and he was very talkative and sweet and funny. He even said he thought he was having some feelings for me even though we hadn’t yet met. We had exchanged pictures over the course of the 2 weeks.
Well, after 2 weeks of this texting and calling each other we met. He revealed to me that he has only been in town for 5 months and he is working on securing a good job and a secure living situation. None of which I care about. I am not a gold digger at all. I care more that he is a good person.
During the date he was GREAT, talkative, affectionate, polite, but after a good night we went back to my place, grabbed some beer and made a night of it (probably my 1st mistake). Well, we ended up being intimate and I feel like that was mistake # 2. We went to sleep around 4 am and woke up around 11 am, and I took him home.
Now my question is: Are my chances of making this serious, DOOMED? I made it clear that I wasn’t going to be intimate, but I gave in after his very tempting advances. We have a lot in common and the conversation is great, but now that we met he isn’t sending any texts messages like he did up until we met. We had such a good time! This was Saturday and now its Monday, no word yet from him. Should I chuck it up as a loss and move on or am I judging it and him too soon? Will he call me on day 3? If not, what do I do: send him a text asking if he is done? I am lost. I need some help on what I need to do now. – Confused in Nashville
Dear Ms. Confused in Nashville,
Chile, I can’t believe we are starting the New Year off with this mess. SMDH! The hell! You folks and this online dating will learn one way or the other. Meeting folks online, then texting, calling, and sexting, which leads to sexing on the first night. Then, he disappears and you’re upset and wondering what happened and why he disappeared. Why is he not texting and calling like he used to. What happened to all the promises he made, and all the gooshy talk we did about being in a relationship and finding that special someone. It’s all a damn lie!
Here’s the problem: You take a huge risk and chance when you meet an unknown person online. The chances are 1.) They are liar. 2.) They are not who they say they are. 3.) They lack social graces and are not good in public spaces. 4.) They are just out for a quick “hit it and quit it.”
Ma’am, it’s only been two days since you haven’t heard from him. Slow your damn roll and pump your brakes. But, I get it. You’re having buyer’s remorse. You regret sleeping with him, and now that he hasn’t hit you up in two days you’re getting the suspicion that he is not going to call. LMBAO! Well, you’ll learn the next time won’t you. If you say you’re not going to be intimate, then don’t be intimate. If you want a man to call you the next day, then don’t sleep with him on the first night.
When he revealed to you on your first date that he had just moved to your city within the past 5 months and had no job, and was trying to secure a living situation, then your red flags should have gone up. I don’t care if you’re not a gold digger. But, a man with no job and no permanent resident does not deserve any permanent p***y. The hell you giving up the goods to a bum for? That’s what he is. Would you go out in the streets and pick up a homeless man and take him home? Would you go on a date with a man you met on the street and he had no job or residence? Hell no! You would walk right past him. So, I don’t understand why you would lay down with a man you met on the internet, revealed to you that he has no job or permanent residence, then bought you a beer and you took him to your house and had sex with him, and then had to drop him off the next morning! You tricks have got the game all the way f****d up!
Yes, you do deserve a no return call. You don’t deserve to be in a relationship with any real man who has his own –ish, and is about his business. You belong with the bums and tricks who ain’t about nothing because you ain’t about nothing. If your minimum requirement is that a man is good to you, yet, he doesn’t have a job or residence, then find yourself a trailer and park your car and live your life, boo!
Next, you said to him that you would not be intimate on your first date, yet, you spread your legs wide and let him climb on top of you. And, you over there talkin’ ‘bout, “I gave in to his very tempting advances.” Girl, what advances? A can of beer and him saying, “You look pretty gal! Come over here and give me some sugar!” LMBAO!
Then, you say that you have a lot in common and great conversation. What do you have in common? He doesn’t have a permanent home. He doesn’t have a job. Do you have a permanent residence? Do you have a job? He’s broke. You have money. You have car. He doesn’t. Again, what do you have in common?
And, what great conversation? What did he say to blow your mind? Was he talking about politics, spirituality, philosophy, the state of world, bringing world peace, discussing poverty and hunger? Chile, that man was telling you what you wanted to hear. He knew you are weak, vulnerable, and desperate. He knew he could play on your low self-esteem, and that you hadn’t had any good d**k in a while, and he knew the right words to say to get what he wanted from you in two weeks.
So, let’s wrap this up so others can get 2013 right and proper. He is not going to call or text, expect when he wants to hook up again. It will be in a few weeks. He’s going to have an excuse that he was busy looking for a job, or he was in the process of moving. Some lame excuse, but he will get horny again and hit you. Trust me. By the way, he is not into you. He is not feeling you, or being in a relationship. Especially not with a chick he met online, and he smashed on the first night. He thinks that’s how you get down. Even if you don’t, the fact that he smashed on the first night, he thinks you’re easy. He doesn’t want you for long-term relationship. You’re a jump-off.
With that, I want you to stop meeting men off dating websites, chat lines, Facebook, Twitter, or any other social media outlet. It will not end well. If you do, then SKYPE with these men. It’s free. It’s doesn’t cost a thing. SKYPE with someone and you get to see them in real time before you meet. And, have some real and serious conversations. Ask about his employment. Ask for pay stubs from a job. Ask about his residence. Ask for a copy of his lease. Ask if he has a car. Ask to see the registration for the car in his name. Ask if he’s married. Does he have any children. How many. Is in presently in a relationship. Does he have many girlfriends. What is his take on monogamy. Hell, when was the last time he was checked for STDs, or had an HIV test. And, you want to see the results. In 2013 it’s time to do this right and do it your way. Don’t let anyone dictate to you how the relationship is going to go. You have a say in it. You’re just as much a part of what is going to happen as the other person. Have some standards and dignity about yourself. Have some respect. Have some integrity. And, please up your standards beyond those basic minimums. You looking real cheap and easy right about now. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!