Every year, people reheat the same 9 NYE resolutions like leftovers to seem “progressive” while ignoring the purplish-blue elephants in their room. Everyone wants to grow but very few actually want to stop living the trife life.
Here are the ten most unpopular New Year’s Resolutions. Take a look.
More reality, less delusion –
No, “everyone” doesn’t say you look like [Insert celebrity here]. No, “everyone” didn’t “beg” you to start that corny blog. No, “everyone” isn’t jealous of you and your Juicy Couture management position. Grow up.
Care more about YOUR OWN kids than celebrity kids –
Arguing with complete strangers on the internet about lil KimYe while your kids fight over the last Vienna Sausage? Don’t let this be you.
Stop being a terrible friend –
Waaaaaaaay too many sloppily-obese chicks squeezed into glittery ziplock bags for NYE parties and the proof is on Instagram. Be a better friend in 2013.
Embrace Privacy –
Screenshots killed chivalry and destroyed millions of lives in 2012. Adults don’t share personal interactions with everyone, 6th graders do.
Stop living outside your means –
Living like a KING (or QUEEN) on a minimum wage salary has to be stressful. Do you really NEED 7986 TV channels? DO YOU?
More respect for your fellow man (and woman) –
Paying with cash (or checks) in the express lane, swerving across lanes without turn signals and farting in crowded elevators are three things that, if stopped, would make the world a much better place.
Stop smashing everyone, and everything, Ho –
Smashing the homies, strangers from clubs and Twitter followers in the name of YOLO doesn’t make you a “free spirit,” it makes you a stone-cold slore. Slow down and respect yourself or live with ALL the STDs.
Follow through when
fake outraged –
Blink and you missed the uproar over Chick-fil-a funding anti-gay groups. On Monday, everyone united, held hands and vowed to never eat there again until Sunday when it’s impossible NOT to crave Chick-fil-a. Stand strong or STFU, please.
Turn your ratchet down –
At some point between 27-30, you should evolve. And by evolve, we mean stop letting your inner-Juicy J flourish when you have to work in the morning. You can’t be ratchet forever.