Me and my soon-to-be ex husband were together for about 7 years, and married for 4 years before we separated.
We ended up separating because he told me that he felt as though he was bi-sexual and wanted to try to be with a man! I was devastated! He said he never had sex with a man, but wanted to try it.
So, we separated and went our separate ways. Now, almost a year later our divorce is almost final. He admitted to me that since our separation he had sex with a man, but didn’t like it. And, was sorry about everything and wants to try and work on getting back together. I love this man dearly with all of my heart and I want to be with him, but it’s hard for me to overlook the fact that he had sex with a man. He even said we can go to counseling. Up until this incident everything was perfect. Am I being unreasonable for wanting things to be done and not trying to fix what has been shattered? – Hurt and Confused
Dear Ms. Hurt and Confused,
WOW! What a story! I’m truly sorry for you, and I know it must have been devastating to have your man tell you that he felt he was bi-sexual and wanted to leave you to go and be with men.
So, now he is back because he had a sexual encounter with a man and didn’t like it. Hmmm, well, what happens when he gets the urge or feeling to want to try it again because the one time experience wasn’t what he expected? If he had the thought and desire to be with a man before he actually did it, then I’m certain he’s been having this thought of being with a man for a long while now. He can’t fight who he is, and he can’t deny who he is. Just because he didn’t like it the first time doesn’t mean he won’t go out and try it again.
I feel he is in denial about who he is, and can’t accept that part of himself. It’s perfectly normal because culturally in our society homosexuality is frowned up. People are shunned and disowned by family members, friends, and loved ones. No one wants to be an outcast and ridiculed. And, I’m certain that is what he is feeling. He’s afraid of being abandoned and losing all his loved ones because of the judgments, and negative opinions people have with the issue of homosexuality.
Besides, I don’t know of any heterosexual man who fantasizes or desires to be with another man, and will leave his wife to go “try” it out. The ideas and thoughts have been innate in your husband and this is something he has been questioning about himself long before he met you, and married you. The counseling he needs is not with you, but should be for himself and getting to the core and root of himself. If you choose to support him, and stand by his side, then you can. He is going to need the support and nurturing as he comes to terms with his feelings and thoughts. He will learn a lot about himself in therapy and counseling, and ultimately he may come to terms with his truth. But, we don’t know what his truth is, only he does, and a professional therapist can be of assistance to him.
Should you run back into his arms and restart where you left off? HELL NO!! I don’t think so. He left you for a year to explore his bi-sexuality and to figure out who he is, but he didn’t receive any professional therapy for it. He had sex with a man one time and came to a conclusion that he didn’t like it. Uhm, ma’am, that one time can lead to a second and third time. What happens when he comes to you again and says that he’s been trying it again, and this time he found the perfect man and he’s leaving you for him? The one lesson your husband has given you and provided you with is that he has empowered you with the truth. He has a desire to be with men. He is attracted to men. If you get back together just know he will always be fighting his urges and desires. He will always look at men and wonder. He will question. He will yearn. Just know it has nothing to do with you. You didn’t do anything wrong, and there is nothing you can do to fix him. He is who he is. If you are okay with him being bi-sexual, and enjoy a marriage with him and want to remain with him, then at least you know what you’re getting. But, don’t make him wrong, and don’t think there is anything you can do to make him want you, and only you. Also know that if you do decide to get back together you will always be questioning and wondering what he is doing when he is not home. You will always wonder if he is thinking about being with another man, and if he will leave you again for a man. If you can’t handle that or deal with that, then you have your answer. And, you did sign your letter hurt and confused. There is no way in hell that you two should be considering reconnecting. You need time to heal and become clear on what is the reality, and the reality is that your husband left you for a year to go try being with other men. Hello!!!! – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!