I always giggle and agree completely with you in all the relationship advice you dish out.
I enjoy the “bar none, fades all” way telling folks where to go and how to get there. So, I need you to give me the bidness straight with no chaser to my “issue.”
In 2004, I met the only man I ever wanted to marry and have children with. We were together for a total of 3 ½ years. We have a very spiritual connection, not religious, but very connected. We understand each other without words, we both want the same things in life and we just have so many big and small things in common. Well, during our relationship he was overseas a lot working. He would be gone between 3 – 6 months, while I stayed here in the States working and holding us down. I visited him in all the places he has worked.
Okay the Obstacles: During his “vacation” time here at home he was a very busy boy! When I met him in 2004 he had 1 son. When we broke up he had a total of four kids: 1 son and 3 girls. He had 2 children with one of his “side chicks”. He does not have any children by me and I don’t have any children to this day. I was pregnant by him twice but I refuse to be a “baby momma” and we made the choice to terminate both. He also got into some legal trouble and put on probation. While on probation he went back overseas to work. We have gotten into it, physically, before, about 3 time total and it wasn’t all his fault either. I had to get away from him and that treatment before I started to doubt myself.
Well, we have been apart for 4 years now. We have kept in touch a little. I would hear from him every 3 – 6 months while he was overseas. A year ago he decided to “come home” aka answer for the probation violation. He is currently in prison. He called me when he was first incarcerated and being the person I am I answered the phone, been there for him every step of the way and visited him when he was near. I have been single the entire 4 years since this relationship because it left me very emotionally unavailable and I just could not meet a guy who is worthy or that I have a connection with. I was enjoying the “love em & leave em” lifestyle until September. I met a guy (younger) who is just so cool. We have no problems, we communicate well, he is smart and worthy. I like this person but I’m not sure how much yet. And, my new boo works out-of-town so I’m apprehensive about another long-distance relationship.
The question: My old boo will be released within the month or early next month. My new boo is wanting to take things up a notch. The old boo wants to get out and make things official, start a life and family together. We have good and bad history together but he is still the only man I ever wanted to marry and have children with. He will do anything for me and give me anything I can ask for. He has treated me like a queen in the past and honestly, I could not be the confident woman I am today if he did not gift me with the experiences I have been blessed to have. I have always said “I don’t go back, I only move forward,” so, what should I do? I don’t want to lose this new boo but I have lingering feeling for old boo. And I would hate to kick a recently released man while he is down. What to do? – Too Boo’d Up
Dear Ms. Too Boo’d Up,
Chile, you women will learn in this New Year that trying to raise up a man while he is down will only bring you down. In order to bring him up, you have to get down and dirty with him, and, unless you want to revisit the gutter, then I suggest you keep your red bottoms from the mud and keep it moving.
Why go back? Girl, the man had three children with other women when you were together. So, according to my reasoning he’s not faithful. If he cheated then, he will cheat again. Next, he’s in and out of trouble, i.e., he is prison because of his probation violation of leaving the state and going overseas without permission. He obviously hasn’t learned his lesson because the first time he got into trouble he would have followed things to the “T” about his probation terms and did what he was supposed to do. Thus, because he can’t follow instructions, then this should let you know that he is going to do what he wants to do anyway. If he can’t adhere to his probation terms, then how the hell do you expect for him to deal with his parole terms. Yes, ma’am, when he is released from prison he is going to be on parole. He won’t be able to do anything without reporting to his parole officer. And, it’s going to be difficult for him to find a job. So, you want a man on parole, with no job, no income, and not contributing to your home IN YOUR HOME!?! And, talkin’ ‘bout he wants to start a family. Uhm, no ma’am.
And, the only reason he is reaching out to you is because you are the one constant and stable thing in his life. He needs a place to live when he gets out on parole. He needs someone to vouch for him, and be responsible for him when he gets released. I bet he didn’t tell you that tidbit of information. Also, he needs to get a job, and pay restitution. He can’t do all of that with his baby momma’s because they are not going to put up with him. As soon as he gets out he has to pay child support, IMMEDIATELY! Honey, you’re the independent, care-free, and probably least drama free of his other options. I’m telling you to not be his option. Stop being his scapegoat. He got himself into this situation, so let him be man enough to get himself out of it and deal with the consequences he created.
And, chile, puhlease. Stop answering his calls and running up your phone bill, and putting money on his books. I know you are sending money orders for his books and sending love letters. I ain’t no fool, and neither should you. Girl, move on, and as you’ve stated, “I don’t go back, I only move forward.” Please move forward. Don’t let your torrid and fractured past create a torrid and fractured future. He is not worth the investment. He is not worth your time or energy. He proved that when you were together previously. Nothing is going to change. It’s just prison talk he is filling your head with. Girl, don’t fall for it. It’s prison psychology 101. All of a sudden he wants to get his life together, and be the man you want him to be, but as soon as he gets his freedom, he running like a southern slave seeking freedom in the north. “Give him free!” LOL!
Now, as far as the new boo, you have to give him a chance, and don’t make him suffer because of what your old boo has done. The new boo sounds like a good man, but if you keep comparing him to your old boo, then it is not going to work. So, completely let go of your old boo. In order to move forward you have to let go of the old. It’s 2013, a New Year, and time to release old habits, old and past boyfriends, and old and past dramas. Write him a letter and let him know that you release him. You’re done. It’s over, and you’re happy and starting life anew. It’s time for him to let you go, and for him to get his life together. You’re no longer his fall back option. You’re no longer his safety net. You’re no longer his doormat. You’ve got a new attitude and new man. So, start treating your new man with the respect, and honesty he deserves. He makes you happy, he makes you smile, and he treats you like a real woman. Girl, open your eyes and recognize the winner you have, and leave the loser where he is. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean