First off, let me start by saying that I’m an avid reader of your advice column. Never thought it would be me writing in for advice but here goes.
I’ve been in a relationship with a wonderful man for 7 years. We’re high school sweethearts. He’s everything I want in a man. He’s a hard worker, great provider, excellent lover and the list goes on and on. The only problem we have his mother who constantly interferes with our relationship. We recently got engaged and not long after, the baby we’ve been trying so hard for we finally got.
Life seemed to be perfect until his mother once again interfered with our relationship. She has a house that’s in his name that she cannot afford so she agreed to move out of the house so that we can move into the house and take over the mortgage. Needless to say she wants us to pay all of the bills, the mortgage and sleep in separate rooms while still living in the house with us. I refuse to take care of and provide for a grown woman who spends her money as she pleases while we’re carrying the burden.
His mother is making our lives a living hell. She tells him all the time that I want him for his money, which aggravates me so much because I have a decent job and I equally contribute to our household. I’ve tried my hardest to be respectful to her, but she doesn’t feel the need to be respectful to me. I won’t make it seem like I was an angel because we have passed words a few times and we both said out of pocket things, but because she is the mother of the man I love so much, I’ve never taken it to the extreme like she has.
She’s constantly made negative comments about my pregnancy, and the stress of living with her caused me to lose my baby. When I returned from the hospital, she said things like, “That’s why you lost your baby,” in a very mocking tone.
I love my fiancé with all of my heart and I would hate to lose him over his mother’s pettiness, but at this point I feel like I can’t take much more. He tries to defend me, but his mother makes him feel as if he has to choose between me and her. She’ll say things like, “If you want to be with her, don’t ask me for anything (not that he does anyway).” Or, “She’ll say that he’s not her son anymore (very childish).”
I would never want to be the cause of my fiancé having an estranged relationship with his mother, but I’d rather not deal with all the extra, unneeded drama. He and I don’t have any other problems, which is why I want to fight for my relationship. What should I do? – I Didn’t Sign Up For This
Dear Ms. I Didn’t Sign Up For This,
Uhm, ma’am, I hate to break it to you, but you did sign up for that –ish! The moment you agreed to move into the house while his mother was still there, you signed up for it. The moment you started going tit for tat with her, you signed up for it. And, the moment you entered the picture and realized his mother was still treating him like a baby, and him acting like a momma’s boy, you signed up for that –ish!
You mean to tell me that all those years you’ve been with your man, and she is just starting to act like this? Girl, please. She has and was always been acting this way. You were able to avoid her because you lived in separate homes. Why the hell you moved into the house with her I don’t understand. Put her a** in a senior citizen’s home, or find her an apartment she can afford. But, living with your soon-to-be mother-in-law is not the tee!
Then, on top of it, you knew your man was a momma’s boy. He’s always been between you and his mother, which is why it took him 7 years to put a ring on it. She was all up in his ear telling him not to marry you, and he was listening to her. Finally, something happened and he asked you to marry him. Was it because he knew that he was going to have to ask you to move into the house his momma is living in? He knew she was suffering financially, and he was probably paying all the bills, and it became too much for him, so since his name is on the home and he didn’t want to lose the home or his mother’s love, they concocted this plan of having him move in with her. He knew that he would have to get you on board and the only way to do that is to get you what you wanted, which was a ring. He’s trying to make everyone happen, yet, making everyone miserable at the same time. (But, this is all my speculation. There is something underlying in this story, and I would get to the bottom of it. It doesn’t sound right. I’m just saying.)
Moving right along; I wouldn’t put up with all that nonsense, and her snide comments, especially after losing your baby and she had the nerve to say, “That’s why you lost your baby.” I would have politely turned and smacked the –ish out of her and then said, “That is why you don’t have a home. Your last day in here is today.”
You’re going to have to sit with your man and have him put an end to this, tuhday! Let him know that you can only take so much, and that he needs to work on finding alternative housing for his mother. He should sit with his mother, and explain to her that it’s impossible for him to be a man, and trying to start a family with the woman he loves, while living with his mother. He should let her know how much he loves her, and he feels it is best she moves into her own place. He can help her look for a more affordable and reasonable living situation, and he will continue to visit her, and spend time with her, but he needs to make his home more of a home for his soon-to-be wife.
At some point he is going to have to choose, and his mother is putting him in an awkward and uncomfortable situation. She is making him feel guilty for something. And, he is buying into it. Who knows what it may be. She could be ill. She could be hiding a prognosis from her doctor and is afraid of losing her son. She could be afraid of ending up alone. You didn’t mention if he had other brothers and sisters. Perhaps she feels she will lose everything. Does she have any friends? Does she have any hobbies? Instead of worrying about you, and his relationship, perhaps if she had a social life, and a man of her own, she wouldn’t be concerned about you and your relationship.
But, there is a laundry list of things that can be going on. However, it’s time to put an end of this roommate living situation with his mother. It’s not working, and it’s already caused you to lose one child. Don’t wait until it’s another pregnancy and she’s stressing you out again. Your man has to see the severity of this living situation, and look to create a more harmonious relationship with you. It’s time for him to get off his mother’s tit, and suckling like a little a** kid, and start being a man, and building his life with you as his new woman. And, you have to put your foot down, and not relent to anything less than what you know you deserve. And, that is a happy home for you, he, and your children-to-come. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!