My daughter’s mother and I have been off and on for 4 and a half years.
Although a long term relationship never developed we have remained to be close and supportive on raising our daughter as a team. We’ve gone through so many problems and fights that I highly doubt we would work out as a couple, but recently I have actually overlooked the past problems we’ve had (the disrespect of each other’s family, the late night one-sided shouting matches, the phone calls to the authorities) and have tried to clean up my trysts to be a quality boyfriend.
In the past, I was not interested in committing long term to anyone. I’m only 23 years old. Two months ago, she has made it clear that over the 4 1/2 years she has had a friend that she loves and grown interested in being with. I mean she pulled out all of the stops to make it known that she is heavily interested in him, going as far to mention he wanted to marry her and she regrets not going forth with it. I will admit that it stung given I do deeply care for her, but I understand that if I do not commit someone else will and if it bothers me then I have no one to blame but myself. I voiced my feelings but I was supportive of her decision. Her seeing my genuine aspect on the situation, she elected to break it off with him and pursue something with me. For once I was apt to it. But, now I do not know what to do.
A few weeks ago she had left a conversation open that she had with him. Curiosity got the best of me and I read it. After such, I did approach her about it, but I expressed that it was none of my business. I was wrong to even invade her personal privacy and sincerely apologized. I could have easily just chalked it up and kept it secret but I’m trying to be upfront and honest more. My point is I recognized that it was not for me to see because it didn’t concern me (regardless some of the conversations were about me).
Now that the back story has been provided… Those 2 months prior while we were having major issues, I must stress that we were not in a committed relationship (that’s evident since she was entertaining marriage with him). I am pretty proud of my “lower region” and during one night of extreme boldness, I made a video of myself showing off my package. I then sent it to any friend who had an interest in seeing what qualities I possess below the belt. I have no shame in what I done because that’s my personal business that doesn’t affect anyone but me and the persons I sent it to.
Well, recently, my daughter’s mother was going through my e-mails and found the string of outgoing e-mails of me sending it to people. Mind you this happened 2 months ago so she would have had to search to find something incriminating. Her findings led to a one-sided argument wherein I had no remorse over the situation. In fact, I felt it was similar to me violating her personal space. However, not once during the argument did she admit her wrongdoing or even apologized. Also, in the group of people was a bi-sexual male friend who enjoys seeing such. I don’t mind because with most friends it’s a “look at what you can’t touch.” But, her noticing his name, she proceeded to call me gay and wondering if I am really bi-sexual. I have no attraction to him at all, or any male in that regard. I’m guilty of just showing off, no matter what gender the eyes are.
My questions are: What’s the difference between her snooping and my snooping? Am I wrong to not feel an ounce of remorse? Am I really gay and just don’t know it!?! I need it straight from my gay best friend! – Trying To Make Sense Of It All
Dear Mr. Trying To Make Sense Of It All,
Uhm, wow, okay. So, you just going to pull your d**k out, make a video of it, send it to all your friends, including your bi-sexual male friend, and you want to know if you’re gay or bi-sexual and don’t know it, and if your should feel any ounce of remorse? Hmmm, what do you think? Chile, I tell you the slow gene is running rampant. I’m so glad I didn’t eat those school lunches. The kids today are digesting those hormonal injected products and it’s affecting their brains, i.e. you, Forrest Gump, whose brain in your manhood is larger than the brain on your shoulders.
I mean let’s re-evaluate what you did. And, I need for you to sit your behind in the front row of this class. And, stop rocking back and forth clapping your hands and making those funny noises. I don’t have time for this.
You sent a video of your d**k to your friends, and in particular to one of your male friends whom you know is bi-sexual just to let him know big you are in your lower region, and to say, “Hey, look what you’ll never get and can’t touch.” I’m sorry, but err uhm, I don’t know any straight man who would send a video of his d**k to another man just to show him what he has and to flaunt it for another man. So, are you gay or bi-sexual and just don’t know it? I really wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. I was really rooting for you and thought to myself, “Well, he’s young. He was just showing off and wanted to do something bold and outrageous. And, perhaps he was upset over his child’s mother and the situation she had with the other guy.” But, then I thought about it long and hard, and then I asked some heterosexual men. Yes, I took a poll (much bigger than yours I bet. LOL! Pun intended).
When I told these men what you had done their first response was silence. Yes, each man got quiet on me. And, of course I got the blank stares (* *). Sort of like every reader who has read your letter and thought, “What the ‘F’!’” So, after these men went silent, I repeated what you did. Then, ironically, each man said to me, “He did this intentionally? He knowingly sent it to another dude?” I swear to you they all asked me these questions. So, I said, yes that you knowingly and intentionally sent it to another dude. And, you know what all of these men said about you, “HE’S GAY!”
Now, you said you are not attracted to him, and that you have no attraction to any guy whatsoever. But, ask yourself this question and then I’m done with your silly “wanting to experiment but scarred narrow a**,” part of your letter. If you are not attracted to him, have no interest in him, and you don’t like men, then why would you send a video of your d**k to another man? What is the purpose in that? Obviously something within you wanted to get some pleasure out of it, and if you get pleasure out of letting another man view, admire, and desire your man meat then maybe, just maybe there is something you are denying within yourself. You can digest it, marinate on it, and let it simmer while you figure it out, but I’m moving on. And, by the way, it’s a violation of friendship to send naked pictures, videos, and another thing to your friends. Who wants to see that? I know I’m not interested in viewing my friend’s private regions. And, I would be offended if they sent it to me.
Now, here is the thing: You and your child’s mother don’t belong together. Let her go. Let her be with the other man. The only reason she got a response out of you and got you to show some interest is when she mentioned to you that another man had asked her to marry him. Besides, she it’s been going on for the four and half years you’ve been together. So, therefore, she obviously has been keeping her options open because she doesn’t feel you are the one for her. So, why do you want to interrupt her happiness and her well-being if she is in love with someone else besides you? If she is keeping her options open and is not certain about her future with you, then why not re-evaluate your relationship and recognize that though you may be good parents to your child, you may not be good to one another in an intimate and personal relationship.
And, besides, you two don’t trust one another. All this snooping around and invading each other’s privacy. What the “F”? And, no there is no difference between her snooping and your snooping. You’re both wrong! And, please tell me why you want to be with someone and you can’t trust them? SMDH! But, you know what, both of you got exactly what you deserved. That’s what happens when you start checking someone’s email, phone, pants pockets, purses, and bedrooms. You’re not going to be happy with what you find. Y’all are truly special and I mean special needs. I don’t understand how you two were able to procreate with your helmets knocking into one another. Maybe that’s why you’re developed so largely in your lower region because every place else you’re severely lacking.
Look, Mr. Trying To Make Sense Of It All, you’ve already mentioned that in the four and half years in an off and on relationship with your child’s mother that you highly doubt anything would ever manifest into something serious. So, what’s the problem? What are you asking me? Your past problems with her are tell-tale signs of what to expect in your future. Sure, you can change, and so could she, but in the four and half years of drama, is the stress and aggravation really worth it? Chile, puhlease! You better get yourself together, move on, find a dude, I mean a woman, who loves you for you and wants to be with you. Find someone you are willing to work on building a relationship with, and let him, I mean her, be a part of your life. Continue to be a father to your child, work with your ex on maintaining a good relationship of open communication and support for your child. That is what really matters in the long run. And, don’t fret, you’ll find the right guy, I mean girl, to call your own. In the meantime, stop sending videos of your d**k to folks. It’s time to grow up and act your age, and not your d**k size. – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!