Florida Crazies: Nekkid Robber Attacks Couple After ‘Stroking His Schlong’ On Them And Taking A Big Dump On Their Carpet

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Another day, another fawked up Florida story…

Intruder Attacks Couple After Exposing Him And Defecting On Carpet

Via HuffPo reports:

When Tony and LaDonna Land discovered naked carnival worker Gregory Matthew Bruni on their roof, the night had just begun. Bruni, 21, allegedly assaulted Tony Land, trashed the couple’s North Fort Myers Home, and then defecated and “spanked his monkey’ inside the house, WTSP reports.

The Lands told police they were in their bedroom at around 7 p.m. Monday when they heard a noise that sounded like thunder, according to Fox 4 Now. Tony went outside and says he saw Bruni on top of the roof, completely naked. Bruni allegedly jumped down on top of Land, ABC 7 reported, then knocked him over by hitting him in the shoulder.

The Lands say Bruni ran into the house, pulled a big-screen TV off the wall, and spilled the contents of a vacuum onto the floor. Around this time, LaDonna grabbed a gun and began firing at the nude intruder. She missed, and the couple called 911.

“I don’t know who the hell he is — he’s naked and he ran into my damn house,” Tony can be heard saying on the recording.

The Lands told authorities that after shots were fired, Bruni began ‘whacking the mole’ in their living room before heading into their son’s bedroom to rub some clothing on his face.

When deputies arrived, they attempted to control Bruni, who they say was wildly flailing around and speaking nonsensically. They also discovered that Bruni had defecated on the floor in two spots within the home.

At some point during the ruckus, investigators say, Bruni sucked up the contents of the vacuum, then spit it back out.

Bruni was taken into custody and transported to a hospital for evaluation, where doctors reportedly told deputies they planned to conduct tests to determine “what Bruni was on.”

Bruni has been charged with criminal mischief, battery, occupied burglary and resisting arrest without violence.

We’ll take “Bath Salts” for $1000, Alex.

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