Help, Terrance Dean! I have a predicament!
I’m a 27-year old woman living in Montreal, Canada. My issue is pretty complex and I need some unbiased insight on what to do!
Basically, I met the man of my dreams- intelligent, witty, sensitive, and caring. He’s from the United States and plays for a Canadian sports team. We met when he was in my city 5 years ago and ever since then, what began as a casual sexual relationship turned serious. From the beginning, I knew he was involved and living with someone, but after he confided in me that he was unhappy in his relationship, I never considered ending it. I wanted to be there for him.
Basically after years went by, he ended up marrying the woman he was living with -only God knows why! We continued our relationship even after his marriage. I pretty much accepted his choices and continued to enjoy his company.
Five months ago I found out I was pregnant. I thought I had taken the precautions, but obviously something went wrong. After a lot of consideration, I decided that I was going to go through with the pregnancy and prepare myself for motherhood. My baby’s father wasn’t as supportive when I told him the news and he told me various reasons why I shouldn’t go through with the pregnancy. Regardless of what he said, I decided that I was going to do what I wanted and he eventually came around.
Here comes the issue – his wife is also pregnant. I’m not sure how this happened because he reassured me that they were not sleeping together. Anyways, he seems nonchalant about the whole thing. I’m not sure what to do- I’m not completely positive that his wife’s baby is his, but I don’t want to rule out the possibility. I want him to be there for his future daughter with me, but I’m not sure if he’ll be able to give my child the time and care she deserves.
Please- I need some words of wisdom! – Confused Mother To Be
Dear Ms. Confused Mother To Be,
Hold up! Hold on! Let me do some woo-sa’s and level my meditation. Chile, I swear no matter where you go in this world, there are some women who are just plain ole’ silly. And, I’m not saying you’re a donkey, but your behavior, well, let’s just see if this entails donkey behavior.
First, you sit up here and say “I’m not completely positive that his wife’s baby is his, but I don’t want to rule out the possibility.” Uhm, sweetie, why wouldn’t you think he wasn’t sleeping with his wife? Why would you discount the possibility of the baby not being his? Are you really serious in that you believe that bull-ish he is feeding you that he and his wife are not sleeping together, and he is unhappy? Really! Really?!? (Hee-haw hee-haw)
Know this: The lies he’s telling you are the same lies he’s telling his wife. The manipulative and deceptive games he’s playing on you, are the same games he’s playing on his wife.
From the very beginning of your relationship with him you have been playing second fiddle. You have never been his main woman. You have always been the side chick. And, if he was so unhappy in his relationship with his main woman, the real woman in his life, then why did he marry her and not you? I swear some of you women are truly stuck on stupid. You truly can’t be that damn dumb!
But, you are so ratched, that even after he got married you continued the relationship with him, maintaining your sideline status. You sat up here and wrote, “I pretty much accepted his choices and continued to enjoy his company.” Please re-read that statement and marinate on it. SMDH! Ugh! I can’t! You accepted his choices. Therefore, you don’t see yourself as someone who is relevant or number one in his, or your own life. You lack self-esteem, and self-worth. Your value and worth is tied to this man who is cheating on his wife. (Hee-haw hee-haw)
But, let me ask you this: If he is cheating on his wife for the past up-teen years, then what makes you think he is not cheating on you and her with other women? You only know about his wife, but he is in and out of Canada, and lives in the United States. Therefore, you don’t know how many groupies he has in Canada, and how many other sideline chicks he has in the United States. If he will check on his wife with you, then there is no doubt in my mind that he will also cheat and lie to you without any regret.
Let’s move on. You go on to write about your pregnancy, “Regardless of what he said, I decided that I was going to do what I wanted and he eventually came around.” Yup, you sound real silly, selfish, and dumb. No matter what your relationship is, was, and will be with him, you are determined to keep him around and have him in your life despite the fact that he is married. Despite the fact that you will never be number one, or the main woman in his life. You felt that having a baby with him that he would leave his wife and come be with you. Welp, how’s that working out for you? I guess your little plan backfired and you learned that not only is he not leaving his wife, but his wife is also pregnant. Donkey ideas only result in donkey tricks.
So, here’s what I surmise. Your man is not intelligent. He can’t be. He’s a jacka**! And, witty, yes, that he is. He’s lying and manipulating you and his wife. Sensitive and caring, Hell to the naw! How can he be sensitive and caring, yet, he has impregnated two women, which means he is having unprotected sex with you two. And, lawd, knows how many other women he is having unprotected sex with. Remember, he is an athlete who is running back and forth between Canada and the United States. He’s running up in many women, unprotected. He doesn’t care about his own health and well-being. He’s not caring, he’s reckless and arrogant.
And, ma’am, he doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t care about his wife. He doesn’t care about himself. If he has no regard for his own life, then how can he possibly care about you? If he was so unhappy in his relationship with his wife, then he shouldn’t have married her. But, he didn’t care. He still married her, and now she’s pregnant. If he cared about her, then he would leave you. You are his convenient piece of a** when he ventures to Canada. And, if you are okay with being convenient, then by all means continue to live a convenient and insignificant life with a man who will never marry you, leave his wife for you, or even think he will be in your child’s life.
You women are going to have to stop giving these men a license to parade in and out your lives haphazardly. But, no matter what I say, or what anyone else says, you’re going to do what you want to do anyway. You have made that abundantly clear in your letter. You want what you want, and you want him. You are willing to do whatever it takes to get him, keep him, and make him happy even at the expense of your own well-being, happiness, and the child you’re bringing into the world. You’re only using the child to keep him around with the hopes that he will leave his wife and be with you. You are truly sad and pathetic. Just be mindful of my words – He is not going to leave his wife for you. He is not going to be actively involved in your child’s life. Once his little sports career in Canada ends, so will his trips and interest in you. You won’t see him. Your daughter won’t have a father in her life. And, the truly sad part is that you will berate and demean him to your daughter, and she will grow up with the same resentment you have for him. And, ultimately she will repeat the same pattern in men as you have done. I hope you will wake up and get your life, and see the bigger picture and what you’re doing. – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!