So, I was dating this guy for two weeks. Then he just up and left me and moved to another state.
He moved because of his living situation, but he did it with no warning whatsoever. Then, all of a sudden, two months after that he called me talking about he loved me and was so sorry, that now he is willing to move back and be with me. So, I allowed him to move in with me in my place and we lived there.
I was happy, but then all of a sudden he started to be controlling and verbally abuse me. When my lease was up, I was in love with him for some reason, so we decided to get another apartment together. When I moved in with him again he only got worse. He never did anything around the house and everything was about him. I was in a controlling and abusive relationship with this man. I felt that if I stayed I could help him, and he couldn’t do this to anybody else. I knew based on his childhood growing up with his sick father that he was an angry person, and that deep down inside he was a sweet fun loving man.
Over 8 months nothing got better. I was in this horrible relationship, cut off from everyone, and being the women and man in the house. He was physically and emotionally unavailable. And, I was stuck in a lease. One day I had enough and I left. After 9 months of living with him in our new apartment I left. The first couple of months were very depressing. I blamed myself and felt like I wasn’t worthy of being loved. At the same time, he threatened me that while I was back at home in another state I needed to continue to make my rent portions for him since I had signed the lease agreement. And, I didn’t even have a job yet.
A few months later after I finished making my payments, by coincidence, I don’t know, but all of a sudden he changed. He started calling me crying instead of cussing me out. He started trying to beg me to take him back and that he was sorry. Over time I could see slowly that he has gotten it. Slowly, that he gets that it’s not all about him and for the past month we have gotten along, something that never happened while I was with him.
He asked me if he could visit, and although I’m still healing, I like what I’m seeing. He is showing me that he has changed and is completely different than before and do believe in this last chance. I don’t know if I should let him come see me and show me as well, or if I should just tell him to leave me the hell alone? Help. – Thinking Of Giving Him Another Chance
Dear Ms. Thinking Of Giving Him Another Chance,
When people show you who they are, believe them. I repeat: When people show you who they are, believe them. I will repeat again: When people show you who they are, believe them.
You were dating a man for two weeks, and he up and moved without any warning, and didn’t communicate with you none whatsoever, yet, he calls out of the blue because he “Loves you, and wants to move back and be with you.” And, being dumb as hell, you let a man who you’ve only been dating for two weeks move in with you, however, this is the same man who up and moved without any warning, then didn’t communicate with you none whatsoever until he needed some place to live. Yes, boo boo the fool, the man only called you with this love story because the place where he moved, those people put his a** out and told him he had to leave. And, he thought for a moment who is the most naïve and gullible person he can manipulate and use, oh yes, that will be you (By the way I know I’m repeating myself. It’s because women like you don’t get it the first time. It needs repetitive saying until you get it).
Ma’am, you say that he moved because of his living situation. This means that unlike you, others he lived with put his trifling no good a** out, and was tired of his low-down good for nothing ways. He had no place to go, and guess who the fool was that let him move in when he had no place to turn? Yup, that’ll be you! SMDH!
You then go on to write, “I was in a controlling and abusive relationship with this man. I felt that if I stayed I could help him, and he couldn’t do this to anybody else.” Sooooo, let me get this straight: You opted to be the test dummy for a man so you could save others. Thank you for your commitment and sacrifice in allowing yourself to be abused mentally, emotionally, and physically for the sake of all women. Girl, SMDH! I truly don’t get it or understand. You think this is commendable and deserves some type of reward? You want to be acknowledged for knowingly remaining in a relationship with a man who is physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive toward you? Does that logic make any sense to you? Do you really know how you sound?
Ms. Thing, you are not a licensed therapist, psychiatrist, or psychotherapist. YOU CAN’T SAVE HIM! YOU CAN’T COUNSEL HIM! Stop trying to play a role you have no credentials or skill-sets in which it requires educational and field practice. And, for all you women out there who think you can save these abusive and controlling men by simply being loving, kind, and the best girlfriend you can be to these men with the hopes that they will change, you are truly delusional, and you’re the ones who need professional help.
An abuser will always abuse a victim he can manipulate, deceive, and control. As long as there are women out there who are naïve, and with low self-esteem, and no self-worth, there will always be men who can manipulate them and repeatedly do the same thing to them. These men always do the crying game when you leave them, and claim they will change. Let me tell you this, they won’t and they can’t change without any professional help and counseling. Please don’t believe them when they tell you this. And, they did not, cannot, and will not have an epiphany and wake up to the err of their ways. That doesn’t happen. They need help.
He is lying to you to get you to come back because no one else will put up with his trifling a**. No other woman, in her right mind, will be willing to be the test dummy in letting a man pummel her head, and bash her verbally and physically. So, I’m asking you, no I’m urging you to stop being the test dummy. We don’t need you to be the willing victim for the sake of humanity in putting your life at risk to a little a** boy who has no self-control, and feels it’s okay to abuse a woman. Please resign your post immediately.
But, this is what also caught my attention. You stated, “He is showing me that he has changed and is completely different than before and do believe in this last chance.” Uhm, boo boo, you’re talking on the phone. How is he showing you that he has changed if he is another state? You have not seen him in action. He can tell you anything over the phone. And, if history is a reminder and lesson for us all, your past with him has been consistent of him feeling sorry for himself and what he did to you, then him calling and whining, and begging for you to take him back. Don’t get back into this pattern with him. It’s only a rouse and he’s going to do the same thing he’s done before to you. Life is about moving forward, not going back and in a circle.
And, do you know what the definition of crazy is – it’s doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. You will be a crazy dumba** to think you will get a different result from him. He’s shown you who he is. When people show you who they are, believe them!
For the record, he’s not a man! He is not a man! He is not a man! No man puts his hands on a woman. No man feels the need to control the woman he loves. No man verbally abuses the woman he loves. No man will use a woman for a place to live, and then do nothing around the house, nor contribute to the household. Wait, I’m sorry, that is your little boy who does this. Girl, take him back if you want to, but as I started my response to you: When people show you who they are, believe them! Change your number, stop answering his calls, and don’t answer his emails. Get rid of him. The next time you won’t be so lucky to be able to get up and leave. You’re going to either wake up in a hospital, or you’ll be six feet under. Stay away from him! – Terrance Dean
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Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean