I want to start off by saying I enjoy the site and Terrence Dean’s advice.
I would like to start out by saying I am a married man. My wife and I have been together for 9 years this year, only married for 4 years. My wife and I talk about everything, but she did hide a very important secret from me for about 7 out of our 9 years together. She is bi-curious and I am okay with that. It’s just the fact that she is not comfortable enough with herself to go through with it.
She has been hiding this secret well before she we became an item. She has tried to come on to women but didn’t know how to approach the situation. It’s only 4 people that know how she truly feels (me, her sister, and the 2 women she has come on to). She says I have inspired her to be open because I know what I like and I can speak on it and do it. I won’t cheat myself out of the experience.
We have talked about the hypothetical situation, “threesome.” We have set boundaries – I can’t touch the other women and that is perfectly fine. We have talked about it in detail what she would like to do and what she would like to have done to her. She has hid who she is and what she feels for so long that I think she is ashamed of it. I would like to know how do I help her come out of her shell and have this experience so she can actually see (in your words) is this who she truly is. I love her with all my heart and I just want us to take life by the horns and live it with no regrets. Thank you in advance for the advice. - I JUST WANT TO HELP!
Dear Mr. I Just Want To Help,
I commend you on being a man who is willing to do anything for his wife. That is truly admirable on your end. There are not too many men who will go to these extensive lengths, in particular, knowing that his wife is bi-curious and will allow her to explore her desires so that she may be happy. Again, I commend you.
Now, although I have some reservations, I am curious about the hypothetical “threesome,” that you and your wife have discussed. In this threesome, you can’t touch the other woman. So, how will it be a threesome? You’re just a spectator. You’re just an incidental aspect to the threesome. Basically, she will interact with you and the other woman. The woman will react and respond to your wife. Well, what if the other woman grabs, touches, or licks you. Can the other woman touch you, but you can’t respond in touching her? So, the other woman can please both you of you, but in the process of pleasuring you, you can’t touch the other woman? You are only to touch and work on your wife?
If this is the case, then your wife wants you and the other woman to please and satisfy her, and bring her orgasmic pleasure. So, really, if you can’t touch the other woman, then I guess what I’m saying is that you don’t need to be present. Your wife just wants to have an affair with another woman. Now, if you’re perfectly happy and content with that, then knock yourself out. But, what is the benefit for you? What are you getting out of this situation or deal? I understand that you love your wife with all your heart and you just want to her to take life by the horns and live it with no regret. But, what if the horns are without you?
Look, I’m all about people living their life and being happy in their own skin. However, I do find it deceptive of your wife that she did not tell you the truth before you got married. That is truly selfish. Yes, she came clean to you, but only after seven years of being together. And, you’ve been together nine years. So, let me ask you this – What if you decide to go through with this threesome, and she loves it, discovers that she is truly bi-sexual, and wants to explore it again and again. Then what? Do you keep up with the threesome activity with you not actively participating and not touching the other woman? What if your wife decides she truly wants to explore other women, and she wants to do this without you? I know introducing a third party in any relationship, especially sexually, is a recipe for disaster. Someone is going to catch feelings, and your relationship will never be the same. All I’m saying is just be prepared for what you’re setting yourself up for.
And, if your wife is interested in exploring her bi-curiosity, and the previous two women she has come on to her did not respond positively, then perhaps she is going about it the wrong way. There are a couple of options to fix this problem:
1.) She can go to a gay club for women. There are plenty of bi-sexual women there who she could approach and make the proposition. Not all women in the gay club will be bi-sexual. Many will be lesbian and only interested in women, and not sleeping with a man. But, if you can’t touch the other woman, and all you’re doing is watching then it wouldn’t matter. But, if you’re engaging in the process, then finding a bi-sexual woman will be in your best interest.
2.) You and your wife can go out to a swingers club, and meet other swingers. And, it doesn’t have to be a couple. There are single swingers out there. You can approach the other woman and introduce her to your wife, or your wife can approach a woman and let her know what you’re up to.
3.) There are lots of gay/lesbian/bi-sexual websites you can visit. You and your wife can place an ad on what you’re looking for. Or, you can peruse ads and specifically search out a bi-sexual woman. In either case, this option will help you in the process of elimination, and allows you to select whom you want without going to a club, and your wife enduring being embarrassed or putting herself out there if she is not comfortable with being in public.
But, if your wife truly wants to explore her bi-sexuality, and her feelings, then perhaps she should seek out and speak with a specialist. If this is something she has been struggling with her entire life, then I’m certain there are some other things that she is not telling you. She should be in a conversation with someone who can help her dig deep into herself and help her in coming to terms with who she truly is, and desires. She can reach out to an LGBT center in your area, and they have specialist, counselors, and therapists who can work with her. Or, she can find a private therapist or counselor. Either way, she needs to speak with someone to help her express herself. Sex with another woman will not be the cure, only a bandage on a deeper issue that she is not dealing with. The great thing is that she has a strong loving support system with you and her sister. It’s great she has you, her husband, lover, and friend in her corner. And, she will need that support system as she explores more of herself. The best of luck to you both. – Terrance Dean
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