I want to start by saying I LOVE the advice that you give. So, here I am.
I am having serious relationship problems and I really don’t know what to do. Me and my boyfriend have been together for about a year, and before we got together he told me about his past relationships and how he usually dates older women and he has cheated on most of the women that he’s been with.
Now, I’m only 21 and he’s 24, but he told me that he prayed and he asked God to send him a good woman and promised God that when she came he would never do anything to hurt her. He doesn’t hide anything from me; we have each other’s emails, we don’t lock our phones or anything of that matter. So, I felt pretty secure about him being faithful. BUT, one day he asked me to do something with his phone because his text message memory was filling up. So, I scrolled through his conversations (I did this in front of him) and I noticed an unknown number that he had been exchanging text messages with, in which he was asking to take a woman out sometime in September. So, I confronted him, and he told me that the messages were old and were only on that phone because he transferred all of his information over to his new phone in September. So, I just left it alone. But, it did make my mind wonder.
Then, I was snooping on his Facebook and he was writing so many women asking to take them out and I knew at this time we were having relationship problems at the time. So, he admitted it and said that our relationship problems were the reason why he was trying to talk to other women. So, I moved past it and we have been doing really good lately. But, now I noticed that he has moved to a different level. He is now emailing women asking to take them out. He knows that I’m the type of person who won’t tolerate cheating, so I believe he is just lying to me about what he’s doing.
He admitted that every woman that he had been with before didn’t mind him cheating as long as he didn’t bring them anything back. Besides that, he’s a sex fiend and I don’t think sex is that serious nor should it define a relationship. I’m just not that type of person. I am senior in college about to get my bachelor’s and I have big dreams. I don’t know if maybe I’ve stuck around because he helped me get money to go back to school and I feel like I owe him, or if I think I’m the woman that is going to make him change his ways. I haven’t confronted him about the emails, and I don’t plan to. But, I don’t know whether to stay or leave. – I’m Confused
Dear Ms. I’m Confused,
Chile, these folks and them using God as an excuse to continue doing what they do, talkin’ ‘bout, “I prayed to God and asked for God to send me someone and I promised I wouldn’t cheat on them or hurt them.” Stop this MoFo madness. Ugh! Stop using God knowing good got damn well you are not going to change. I’ve said it once, twice, and many times before, in the name of Lauryn Hill, “If every day people lie to God, what makes you think they won’t lie to you.”
Girl, folks make promises, and tell these untruths to God, yet, they keep doing the same thing over and over again. Perhaps you don’t want to change. Perhaps you enjoy the drama, cheating, and mess you keep up. So, please stop lying to yourself, God, and others with this asinine bull-ish!
And, Ms. Honey, you are a joke. You wrote, “He knows that I’m the type of person who won’t tolerate cheating, so I believe he is just lying to me about what he’s doing.” Uhm, boo boo, you caught him the first time when you were scrolling through his phone messages, and saw the messages he was sending to women asking them out, and what did your silly a** do? You believed the lie he told you and continued the relationship as business as usual. Then, on top of that, you snooped on his Facebook and saw the emails he was sending to other women asking them out. You confronted him, he admitted to it, and what did your dumb silly a** do? You believed him again, and continued the relationship as business as usual. So, yes, Donkey, you do tolerate cheating. I swear for you some of you to be in college, and claim to have some common sense, I wonder if too much exposure to lacefront wigs, weave glue, or sucking on some man’s nut sac is causing delusions of grandeur.
Let’s move on. In the beginning of your relationship he told you, “About his past relationships and how he usually dates older women and he has cheated on most of the women that he’s been with.” Two things: First, he’s cheated on most of the women he’s been with, thus, by my calculations he will and has cheated on you. Second, he usually date solder women, and you’re younger than him. Thus, by my calculations, he will and has cheated on you.
This man told you from the beginning who he was. I’m just curious at what point did it, or has it dawned on you that he was telling you the truth. And, again class, what should you do when someone tells you who they are? BELIEVE THEM! Ugh! I swear this recurring lesson is going to be necessary for every letter I get. Please come inside from out in the fields grazing, and get you some education.
Then, he is a sex fiend who enjoys sex, and because you’re oh-so-pure, and sex is not that important to you, nor is it serious and it doesn’t define a relationship. Bwahahahaahaha! Thus, by my calculations, he will and has cheated on you.
Look, I’m done with you because obvious you’re not the brightest crayon in the box. He doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t love you. Hell, he probably doesn’t even like you. He is just tolerating you. You’re just something to do. If a man has told you from the beginning that he has cheated on nearly every woman he’s been with, then that is the cue for you to run for the hills. You’re no different than any of those other women. There’s nothing magical about your vagina that will make him commit and be faithful to just you. He is a cheater. That is who he is and will always be. Next, if he doesn’t respect you, then he doesn’t respect himself. He doesn’t have any morals or values. He doesn’t respect anyone, and if he doesn’t respect anyone, and not even himself, then he certainly will never respect you.
You don’t owe him anything. Why do you women stick around with these bum a** men who treat you like trash, and feel as if you owe them something just because they did something for you? Girl, please move on and stop feeling guilty thinking you owe someone for something they did. YOU DON’T OWE ANYONE ANYTHING EXCEPT YOURSELF! With that, please dump him, and focus on these last few months before you graduate school, and get your G.P.A. up! If what I’m reading in your letter is a tell-tale sign of your comprehension level, then I do hope you will put forth a very strong and concerted effort in finishing this semester with more than a C average. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!