Dear Bossip: I Let Him Know Up Front I Wasn’t With Sending Pics, Sleeping With Him, Or His Touchy Feely, Now He’s Pulled Back

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Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Black Couple Together

Dear Bossip,

I met this attorney about three months ago. He’s everything I like in a man, tall, good-looking, and very intelligent.

He first approached me and asked me out to lunch. We went to lunch and it was great! I knew from just the ease of conversation that we would connect. He’s seven years older than me, but I’ve always been mature for my age (I am over 23…I’m grown).

Needless to say, we haven’t been on a “real” date since. I’m a true Southern Belle. I don’t sleep around nor am I easy (we haven’t had sex). I carry myself like the professional, educated woman that I am. We use to talk every day, several times a day but he’d always say, “I want to SEE you;” not officially ask me out. He was very touchy early on and I shut him down. He also did the dreaded “send me a picture” text which always creeps me out. I had to reiterate to him that I was not that kind of woman. He eventually said he respected that and he calmed down considerably. I decided to continue on getting to know him.

We started to spend more time together (still no dates). He introduced me to his family and his son. It all happened quite fast and I began to fall for him. I would willingly send him “G” rated pictures of me and or text messages. I fell asleep over his house one night and he was so respectful. He didn’t try a thing. That’s when I started to feel like he respected me and wanted more than just sex.

Here’s the issue, we both have very successful careers that require a lot of time. Sometimes I’ve had to cancel plans and I know he didn’t appreciate it. He brings it up all time when I’ve canceled plans which I feel has turned him off. Don’t get me wrong it’s not like he had some romantic adventure planned…just us being together.

On his end, it’s always something with his son or his family. He’s like their “Great Black Hope” or something. On the weekends he prefers to drink and hang out with his family which is not ideal for me (I’m not invited). He usually wants to see me during the day (lunch hour). At first, I thought maybe he has a woman and can’t see me at night but I’ve been to his home…bachelor pad all the way. I’ve also hung out with him, at his home, at night so I quickly put that out of my mind.

Of course he has his draw-backs I’m sure I have plenty as well, but Bossip I could see myself marrying this man! We would be the perfect power couple. I’ve disregarded so many of my standards (i.e. age, his son, etc) to date him. My friends say it’s my fault because I’m not sexual with him. I mean we kiss, hug, and embrace each other. I just don’t engage in casual sex it’s 2013 not 1970.

Anyway, now he’s acting different towards me. The phone calls are infrequent. The sweet nick-names are scarce and I haven’t been around his family since the first encounter. What happened? I haven’t seen him in almost three weeks except once when I ran into him. We still talk and text but it feels like I’m the one putting forth the effort now. We aren’t in an official relationship but I felt like we were heading in that direction. What should I do? I want him back. – Submitting A Motion For An Appeal - P.S. If it helps he’s a Gemini.

Dear Ms. Submitting A Motion For An Appeal,

Did you say you can see yourself as a power couple? LMBAO! Girl, first you have to be a couple. Get your damn head out of the clouds talkin’ ’bout power couple. You’re living in this fantasy world and his fantasy is getting you in the bed with your legs behind your head. LOL!

First things first, zodiac sign has nothing to do with it. Sorry. I don’t know why you all are caught up in what sign somebody is, that is not an indicator for who they will be with you. If someone doesn’t like you, they just don’t like you. If someone is a cheater, that doesn’t dictate what sign they are. All signs cheat. And, this whole non-sense that Scorpios are sexual people, uhm, news flash, I’ve met Virgos, Libras, Cancers, and Aries who were extremely sexual people. That negates everything about zodiac signs. Don’t fall for that bull-ish!

Second, you said you can see yourself marrying this man. However, you’re not in an ‘official’ relationship. I’m confused. If you’ve only known him all but three months, but yet you’re talking about you can see yourself marrying him. Huh??? And, again, you’re not in an ‘official’ relationship. Uhm, sweetie, slow your roll and pump your damn brakes. Girl, I swear you women will start planning the wedding when you meet a man, and you don’t know anything about him. Yet, you’re talking about marrying him, after three damn months, and you haven’t been out on a ‘real’ date, and you’re already writing in to Bossip for advice on why he’s not acting the same when you first met him. Girl, please stop!

Third, let’s address the fact that you haven’t been out on a ‘real’ date. Why? Why haven’t you been out on a real date? Did you ask him? Oh, I know, he wants to hit and bang you out. You’re playing Southern Belle, and I’m-not-a-cheap-trick-hoe. So, you’re putting him off, which is a good thing. I do commend you on this. However, he has shown you his hand. He wants some nookie. He wants to play around and get up in them panties, and since you’re not relenting he’s decided it’s not worth the effort. Plain and simple.

Fourth, you want to know what he’s about. He asked you to send him some naked pictures. You declined. You put him in his place. Then, he tells you that he wants to ‘see’ you. You let him know that you are not that type of woman. Again, you put him in his place. He was touchy feely in the beginning, and you let him know to stop putting them paws on you. Again, you put him in his place. When you keep rejecting a man’s advances, he will eventually reject you. Thus, he didn’t try anything while you were at his house. You’ve already dejected him on several occasions, therefore, he figured why even bother.

But, let’s look at what you wrote in regards to you canceling on him, and his complaining about you canceling:  “Don’t get me wrong it’s not like he had some romantic adventure planned…just us being together.” That right there! WOW! He wants to spend time with you, and you brush it off and are dismissive about it by saying it’s just us being together. Welp, you’ve got your answer. You want this romantic, Hollywood movie fantasy, Mr. Save-Me and Treat Me Like A Princess, and a man who is Mr. Wonderful, Mr. Romantic, my prince.

The fact that he wanted to spend time with you, and you don’t really know what he had planned, but the fact he just wanted to spend time with you, and you dismissed it as it was nothing. Yet, again, you rejected him. And, he’s probably internalized all of your actions as a woman who keeps rejecting him. Think about this – you said, “On his end, it’s always something with his son or his family. He’s like their “Great Black Hope” or something. On the weekends he prefers to drink and hang out with his family which is not ideal for me (I’m not invited).” If he is the savior with his family and son. If he is their hero. If he is their “Great Black Hope” and they make him feel needed, wanted, and desired, then you come along and reject him. What do you think that does to him? A man who is always needed, wanted, and desired. You bruise his ego, and make him feel that he is not needed, wanted, or desired. You have rejected the “Great Black Hope” and he will find a woman who wants to be saved. He will find a woman who will need him. He will find a woman who will want him. He will find a woman who will desire him.

I’m not saying that you have to relent and become damsel in distress, because that is clearly not who you are. But, at some point you have to allow the man to feel like a man. You have to let him know that you do want him, desire him, and need him. It’s a subtle trick that you do for men. And, a smart, intelligent, and wise woman knows how to do this to a man. She can be strong, independent, and a woman, but at the same time she can seduce a man, be dependent, let him be a man, and submit just enough to let him think he’s saving her, helping her, and that she needs him. So, you can claim to be a mature 23-year old, but in reality, you’re acting like the young 23-year old. And, besides, you’re too independent for him. You have too many rules. You have too many “no’s,” and not enough “yes’s.” Again, don’t change for him. That is the wrong thing to do for a man. Maintain your values, morals, and dignity. It’s commendable. Besides, you’ve already done things that you normally wouldn’t do, such as date a man his age, with kids, and etc. You said that. So, don’t bend over for a man who is not bending over for you. There is a man out there who’s willing to accommodate you, and be what you want him to be, it’s just not this man. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

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author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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