I am a single mother to a one year old boy.
Promising myself that I won’t have to sing the “single black mama” song for the rest of my life, I continued with med school and recently graduated. During this time, I met the man of my dreams. He’s open, generous, kind, understanding and forgiving. Besides the fact that I love him, I have never met another human being like him in my life. He is truly the type of person that no one can speak ill of.
When we met, I had vowed celibacy, maybe that it why things were different this time around. I got to know him in every single way without being intimate with him. He accepts me, faults and all and the reason I am writing you is because I whole heartedly want to be able to do the same for him.
About a month after we began dating, we were having a conversation about sexual transmitted diseases. He randomly adds to the conversation that gay men are not allowed to give blood being of the risks of HIV. At first I thought, “How horrible, gay men are people too and not all gays should be assumed to have HIV.” However, my second thought was, “Why would you be concerned about gay men being able to give blood unless you were gay?” Without even knowing I blurted out, “Are you gay?” He answered no. I then asked, “Are you bisexual?” He again answered no. I left his apartment that night feeling very uneasy.
The next day he said he wanted to talk. While we were in school, I’d asked him if he ever slept with anyone in the school and he told me he didn’t want to talk about it. I pressed him and he said he was involved in a horrible love triangle that would’ve ruined his career but he refused to tell me anymore. Well, today he was ready to tell me the whole story. He was sleeping with a girl who wanted to be his girlfriend. They were good friends with another couple in the school. My boyfriend began “hooking up” with his friend’s boyfriend. He had a sexual relationship with him, but he says he has never had sex with a man. Long story short, all parties are made aware of the undercover relationship. Both females involved are scorned (understandably) and tell everyone in the school, essentially outing both men who no one knew were gay before.
When I found out I was heartbroken, angry and embarrassed, I felt as if I had been dating a gay man and no one felt the need to tap me on the shoulder and say, “Hey, you know he’s gay right?” He says that he is bisexual but prefers women. He tried to explain that his attraction to men differs from that of his attraction to women. I don’t know how I managed to get over it, but I did. It took time, and a lot of Googling, but I eventually accepted it, or so I thought.
I recently met his parents and we are supposed to be taking our first vacation together later this summer. He has yet to meet my family and son. I don’t know if I mentioned that I am African and he is Jewish. At first I thought this was the reason I have been hesitant to bring him home, and also the fact that my family is crazy, old school and will ruin a relationship they don’t approve of. But, lately I have been thinking maybe it’s because I have a bisexual boyfriend. Am I afraid he will be improper with my son? Am I afraid that his openness about his sexuality will cause my family to disown me? Can we get married if I’m Christian? How will that work? I have all of these questions. I feel like I am at a point in the relationship where if I cannot see myself spending my life with him I should not drag it out. BUT I sincerely care for him, and minus his bisexuality, he would be perfect. I don’t know what to do. – Sexuality Obsolete
Dear Ms. Sexuality Obsolete,
So, let me get this straight (no pun intended) LOL! Your man is bisexual, but he did not come out forthright to disclose this information to you until you pressed him about it? And, when you did question him, he lied, then eventually told you the truth? And, though you say you’ve gotten over his sexual preference, you’re considering marriage with a man who is bisexual, and you’re wondering if your religion will impact your lives?
Girl, you obviously missed the short yellow bus this morning. I’m going to call them and have them swing back through and wait for you. I swear these letters get better and better every day.
Well, let me ask you this – What do you stand to gain in marrying a man who is bisexual? He has revealed to you, that though he prefers women, he has an attraction for men. So, are you going to throw on a strap-on and bang him out? What happens when he feels the need to satisfy his attraction for men, and need some stiff loving? What happens when he’s out and about, or gone for long extended periods of time, or you’re gone for long extended periods of time, and he wants to get his man meat satisfaction? How is he supposed to shut off the part of him that has an attraction for men just because he marries you?
No matter what you think, hope, or want to love him enough to be with just you, he has a desire to be with men. There is nothing you can do to make him only want and desire just you. He’s going to fulfill his desires for men, regardless of what he tells you. Unfortunately, you don’t have the necessary equipment to satisfy his long dong desires.
Now, being the educated, smart, intelligent woman that you say that you are, I’m concerned that you would put yourself in this situation knowing all this information about his bisexuality and, yet, you will continue the relationship. Obviously, there is something missing within you that you feel he is the only man that can bring you love, happiness, joy, and monogamy. So, ask yourself, “What am I missing within myself? Why do I feel the need to be with a man who is bisexual and needs the comfort, and pleasure from another man? While I’m giving him 100% of me, I will only be getting 50% of him. Is that enough for me? And, when he comes to me and tells me that he is desiring a man and needs to satisfy his desires am I strong enough to let him get his back blown out and come back home to me?”
But, this is a sidebar question: You say that you completed medical school and your boyfriend randomly adds to the conversation that gay men are not allowed to give blood being of the risks of HIV. And, at first you thought, “How horrible, gay men are people too and not all gays should be assumed to have HIV.” Uhm, hmmm, if you just finished medical school wouldn’t that be something you learn in school? How could you not know that bit of information? I’m just asking because that seems so odd that you, someone who has finished medical school, would not know. (Giving you the side eye) What medical school did you attend? (Lips pursed rolling eyes)
Anyway, there is nothing that can come of your relationship with this man. He is bisexual. He will never be completely yours. He has a desire and attraction for men. He will step out and get his fill regardless of how strong he tells you that he is or wants to deny himself. He’s lying. Just like he lied to you when you asked him about his sexuality. He has no problem lying, and if he did it once he’ll do it again.
You say that you’re wondering and are afraid that he will be improper with your son. Then, you need not be with this man. Besides, him being bisexual has nothing to do with pedophilia. He has an attraction for men, not little boys. Therefore, please educate yourself. And, again, if you’re thinking he’s going to do something with your son, and this will always be on your mind, then why even entertain continuing the relationship, let alone marriage? SMDH! Chile, I swear you’re not as educated as you think you are. Did that short yellow bus arrive yet?
Next, you’re afraid that his openness about his sexuality will cause your family to disown you. Uhm, you think! Of course they will disown you. They will be giving you the side eye, and probably will knock some damn sense into your head. They will never accept him. That’s the truth of the matter.
Can you get married if you’re Christian? How will that work? It won’t. Ma’am, he’s Jewish. If he’s traditional Jewish, you will have to convert. Otherwise, this will not work.
But, let me wrap this up. You say that you care for him, minus his bisexuality. Well, boo boo, that is a part of him. You can’t ignore it and hope it goes away. It’s not. Therefore, by my deductions and calculations this relationship is not going to work, last, or endure. Why drag this out? Honey, get out and move on. Otherwise, you’re going to find yourself like his ex-girlfriend and discover your man is sleeping with your best friend’s boyfriend. – Terrance Dean
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