Dear Bossip: He Collects A Disability Check & Says He’ll Get A Job When I Graduate College, But I Can’t Wait That Long

- By Bossip Staff Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships


Dear Bossip,

Well, I can’t believe I’m writing this. I have read other peoples stories on here and you ream them, but I respect your opinion, so here goes.

I am a beautiful black woman in her mid-thirties. I am educated (currently back in college) and raising 4 kids (toddler to teens). I met this man (37) in 2008, we didn’t date then, but reconnected in 2009 and stated dating shortly after that. I thought the world of him. Tall, dark, handsome, fit, God-fearing and respectful of women. Comes from a good home, the whole shebang! I thought he was the right man for me. At the time I had 3 kids and had been single by choice for years. I was waiting to meet the right man to settle down. Along comes this man who embraced my kids, me…everything.

Well, things were going good until I got pregnant with his child (he has 2 other kids from previous relationships). After I got pregnant I was too sick to work and he had to start helping out more financially (which we weren’t living together at the time so I was taking care of myself). He moved in with me shortly after I got pregnant to help out and that was it. Control, control, control. He never was one to want to help out financially, but now that I asked him to and he would throw every dollar spent in my face. Mind you, he doesn’t work, he collects a disability check and refuses to go back to get a job.

I dealt with his crap because I had to while I was pregnant. After I gave birth, he changed back into this sweet, loving man. Fast forward a few months, my father died and I came into some money. All of a sudden his hand is out all the time, asking me to buy things for him if I’m doing them for myself and the kids. He even wanted a new car because I bought one. I gave him $5,000 to buy a better car and he never bought one. He said, “it wasn’t enough.” I never got my money back either.

Long story short here I am 4 years into this relationship and I have lost all respect for him. He’s still not working a real job. Just odds and ends for cash, nothing with a w-2. I am no longer sexually attracted to him. He plays video games all day and wants me to please him sexually when he wants it. Otherwise, he is on his game or at the gym working out and playing ball with his friends.

I’m fed up! I started cheating last year. It started with one encounter with an old friend, to many encounters with someone new. I have no desire to have sex with my man anymore. He doesn’t ever provide foreplay. Its whack!

Oh, one more thing….he asked me to marry him a few years ago and I called it off earlier this year. I’m sad because I truly feel if he changed things could work out. But, now I really only need him around to watch our kid while I’m in school. I cannot afford daycare right now given that I’m a full-time student.  I’ve told him how I feel, and he says he will get a job when I graduate. I need him to work now. I know I should leave, that’s the plan….but what happens with me in the meantime? What should I do? I’ve never been a cheater.  I wanna breakup, but I need him here until I graduate. Help! Thank you in advance. – Need Him For Now

Dear Ms. Need Him For Now,

Welp, if you keep convincing yourself that you need him until you graduate, then he will be there until you graduate. If you’re so tired, fed up, and can’t stand him any longer, then I don’t understand why you would keep him in your home. What’s the purpose? Why come home and be bothered with someone you can’t stand? Why live and occupy the same space with someone you’ve been cheating on, don’t respect, and don’t love any longer? Seriously, y’all be making this –ish harder than it really is.

Honey, the only thing you’re doing is making yourself miserable, unhappy, and sad. He isn’t doing anything but being himself. As a matter of fact, he isn’t doing anything. Nothing. Nothing at all. And, that’s the story of his life. Nothing. He does nothing. Has no ambition to do anything. And, will not amount to anything. You can’t get something out of nothing. Therefore, get rid of the nothing, and you can start having a life of something, plenty, and abundance. As long as you keep nothing around you will always have nothing. A nothing man breeds a nothing relationship. BOOM! BAM! POW!

And, I want to reiterate that he isn’t doing anything but being himself. He has always been the way that he is. His behavior today is nothing different than he was when you first met him. He wasn’t working when you met him, therefore, he will not work while you are with you, or after you graduate school. He’s lying. He’s lazy, and is collecting a disability check. The government is paying him to at stay home (YOUR HOME), therefore, why would he proactive to go out and get a job. He is content with his life the way it is. Therefore, his contentment and complacency will only result in him doing nothing to change his circumstance because you have put up with it for several years. So, please note, that you’ve contributed to his lackadaisical poor existence of a trifling good for nothing lazy a**. You took him when he didn’t have a job, or any ambition to get one. Therefore, he won’t get a job, nor get the ambition to get one. You’ve accommodated him, procreated with him, and now you’re playing house with him.

Then, on top of it, you took your inheritance money and spent it on him. The same man who doesn’t want to work, won’t work, and has no interest in working. The same man who didn’t want to contribute to you while you were pregnant, and didn’t want to help out financially. The same lazy a** good for nothing man who took your $5,000 that you gave him for a car, and he told you that it wasn’t enough. The same trifling a** baby nuts bum who didn’t even thank you, or make any attempts in paying you back. He just held his hand out and took from you, and your children, and he’s laying up in your house playing video games while you’re in school. Girl, please, just please use the little college education you’ve acquired and stop playing the victim.

So, to change your circumstance and situation, girl, you already know what to do. Put him out! Put his a** out and watch him scramble and do what he has to do to survive. Put his good for nothing a** on child support, and he’ll get the shock of his life when the courts start deducting child support payments from his disability check. And, though you may not be able to afford daycare, I’m sure there is a relative whom you can call on to watch your child while you’re at school. There is a good friend who will be willing to help you out. Hell, they have vouchers for women to put their children in daycare. Be proactive and search out these resources. Stop playing the victim and thinking you need him. YOU DON’T NEED HIM! STOP TELLING YOURSELF THIS LIE!

As soon as you get rid of him your life will change. As soon as you let him go, and start moving forward, you will get your happy back. You will get your joy back. You will get your home back. At the root of your misery is HIM. Therefore, get rid of the root, and you end the problem. And, for the record, he is not the end all or be all. The truth about him is that he is not, will not, and is incapable of being ambitious and getting a job. He’s lazy. He’s trifling. He’s a bum. So, what type of life do you really think you will have with this man when he has shown you consistently for years who he is? – Terrance Dean

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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