I read your column as much as I can and love it! Ok, I would love some advice on my situation.
OK, this is how it goes. I have two kids 16 and 13. The very first man I ever fell in love with I was with for 12 years. I got pregnant by another man while in that relationship. He was abusive physically and mentally. He ended up telling me if he couldn’t have me no one would. So, one night he broke in and cut me twice. Did I mention my first child wasn’t his but I did have a second child a boy his only boy. Anyway he did five years for cutting me.
I moved on and met someone else. I should have left this one where I found him. He stole from me and my kids. He was a drinker and smoked a lot. He didn’t keep a job. He was so busy worrying about what I was doing. He ended up being abusive. I was with him for 10 years.
Fast forward I told myself that I wasn’t going to be in another relationship again. By that time I was 37 years old I met this young man who was 19 (but told me he was 22). It was just sex. I told him nothing more. We chilled everyday with each other all the time. But, after awhile we got feelings for each other so he put a label on it. I started finding out things about him and brought it to his attention. He denied it. So, me being who I am laughed about it and started pushing him away. I let him know how I felt and left it alone. He started showing me I was his girl. I didn’t fall for none of it.
So, one day I got a call from my cousin asking for a favor. His friend is a truck driver and he wanted somebody to chill with when he came into town sometimes. I talked to him and told him about a friend of mine, but he wasn’t trying to see her he wanted to meet me. I hope you’re with me I’m trying to sum it up as little as possible. So, he came over to see her but he ended up wanting to holla at me. We ended up hooking up after he told me several times her never dealt with a dark skin woman before. We talked and talked for weeks. Wherever he was there I was right by his side. Bonnie and Clyde is what everyone started calling us.
I told him somewhat about the other guy. He told me everything about himself and what he been through in life. He has 4 kids and three baby mommas. They are another story. He provides for them and all. OK, one of the baby moms got evicted so by him being with me I told him that the kids can be here and I’ll look after them till she get back on her feet. Bad mistake! I had it out with the baby mom told her to come get the kids. Soooo, he has child support taken out his check for the kids but every chance she get she have the kids calling asking for money. I cut that out quick!
Oh yeah, did I mention that one of his daughters got rabbit in her. She tends to runaway a lot. It happened once when she was here with me. Mind you she is very disrespectful and nasty amongst other things. We began having it out lately about him rewarding the kids. He’s the type of dad that if you do right or wrong he rewards them with gifts. You name it. I don’t feel that’s right. He was doing my kids like that and I stopped that quick! He lost his job and things fell behind. Things got cut off. So, for a month he did odd jobs and borrowed money. Instead of paying bills he smoked and drank. He’s back on the job now trying to catch back up on bills.
Here is where things get crazy. Me and my two been here living with no lights, but he’s been chilling at his momma house while we here. I say something to him about it and he freaks out. Then he calls when he wants some and he’s glad to come over and stay the night. Lately he haven’t been talking to me. He gets his kids and they ball all out while I’m like that money you balling with can go towards my bill. Oh yeah, I still got my side piece but I’m tired of him, too. I love Guy # 2 but I feel like I’m in competition for a little time with him. All of a sudden things change when he got his job back. What should I do? It’s lots of other stuff going on that I don’t want to get into but I want it to be like it was. – Feeling Jilted
Dear Ms. Feeling Jilted,
I simply can’t!
There are so many things that I can’t even begin. SMDH! Let’s start with the first. You are a 37 year old grown a** woman and having sex with a 19 year old boy!?! Are you mentally challenged? Do you collect a disability check? Why are you having a sexual relationship with a boy who is nearly half your age? And, then he tells you that you’re his woman and you go along with this!?!? Something is clearly really wrong with you. I’m going to start demanding that some of you readers send in your IQ evaluations, and copies of your school’s records. I know some of you were evaluated by a counselor, or the school put something in your records about your special needs. SMDH!
Then, your cousin calls you and tells you about his truck driver friend who is coming to town and is looking for someone to chill with. Why is your cousin calling you? Are you the town’s trick? Wait, I forgot. Yes, you are. You meet this man and he tells you that he’s never been with a dark skin woman and you ended up hooking up with him because you wanted to give him some dark skinned meat? (Puts head inside my palms) I truly can’t. So, is that the new line on the streets? Dudes tell women they never been with a light skin or dark skin woman, and women actually fall for this? Girl, you clearly have no class, decorum, morals, or values. You have no self-worth. No self-esteem, and no self-identity. A man is up in your ear telling you that he’s never been with a dark skin woman, and you, a grown adult woman giggles, puts your hand over your mouth, and lowly drops your head hunching your shoulders. Somebody made Ms. Celie feel good about herself, huh? LMBAO!
Do me a favor: I want you to look over your letter and the pattern of men you’ve been with. All have been abusive mentally, emotionally, and physically. All have treated you like trash, and you’ve allowed yourself to be treated as such. All have used you, and you’ve allowed them to use you. Therefore, in my surmise you do not see yourself as valuable or worthy. You do not see or think of yourself as a person who has anything to give. When you were a little girl who took from you and stole your innocence? Who beat you and called you ugly? Who made you feel like you’re nothing and had nothing to give? You keep bending over backwards trying to prove to people that you’re some ride or die chick, or some Bonnie to some man’s Clyde, yet, no man is willing to ride or die for you. BOOM! BAM! POW!
Here’s the thing: You are seeking to be loved. You desperately want to be loved so badly that you will sleep with a 19 year old boy hoping he can make you feel wanted and loved. Then, you sleep with a man and start up a relationship with him, despite knowing he has four kids with three different baby mommas, and he tells you that he’s never been with a dark skin woman. Something in your head registered this as, “He wants to love me and my dark skin. I’m going to make him fall in love with me because no one has ever loved me before.” You were so desperate to make him fall for you that when one of his baby mommas was evicted you volunteered to take her kids into your home and care for them. Why? What was this going to prove? What did it prove? If he couldn’t take in and care for his own kids, why would you?
Then, he loses his job, bills get behind, he starts drinking and smoking. Hmmm, sounds like a pattern of your other men, don’t you think? He starts working again, your bills are still behind, he’s caring for his kids (child support), yet, you have no lights and ask him for money, but he doesn’t have any to give you, and yet, he comes and blows your back out, and you let him, but you and your kids are sitting in the house in the dark. See why I called you the town trick earlier?
But, this grown a** man is at his momma house, and laying up in your house, eating your food, contributed to your bills getting behind, and he won’t give you a dime toward the bills? He sees you as a trick and a hoe. And, you’re not even good at it. At least tricks and hoes get money upfront from their Johns. But, I’m curious, why don’t you have a job? What’s preventing you from going to work? Why are you dependent on some man who clearly has shown you that you are not his priority? And, true to when your cousin called to tell you about his friend who was looking for someone to hook up with, he is doing simply that, just hooking up with you! You are not his woman. You are not his girlfriend. He doesn’t owe you anything. Why would he take care of you and your kids when it was clear from the beginning that he was just looking to HOOK UP?
Ugh! Some of you women are just simply dumb.
Instead of looking for some man to make you feel worthy and valuable, why don’t you go to school and educate yourself. Why not go to school and get you a degree, or learn a trade so you can take care of yourself and your children? Why not empower yourself, and build your self-esteem? Why wait on some man to make you feel like something, and instead invest in yourself and build your value and worth. But, you won’t do any of this because at the root of your issues, there is something deeper that needs counseling and psychological treatment. There is a deeper issue that needs tending to, and therapy will help peel back the layers and reveal the truth. But, you’re going to run back to him, and continue to hope things will go back to where they were before. And, if you want things to go back to where they were before, then it’s clear to me that you are truly mentally challenged, and your self-worth and value is tied to opening your legs and giving yourself to men. – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!