Dear Bossip: He Told Me I Didn’t Have To Work, Now I Sit In The House & He Threatened To Kill Me

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Woman Waiting

Dear Bossip,

First, I love your advice and I wanna get right to the point. Me and my fiancé have been together three and a half years.

Before we got together we were just friends. I mean strictly friends. He has four kids from a previous relationship and I have two. I love this man so much because he tries so hard to make sure that I don’t need or want for nothing. He told me he didn’t want me to work he would take care of everything. Prior to this I was working and had been laid off and was actively searching for a job. I reluctantly obliged and decided to try this housewife life. I hate it!

I have always had a job and I always prided myself in the fact that I can take care of myself and my kids all by myself. Now, all I do is sit in the house and suffer in silence. He has become somewhat controlling and crazy. One example is we went to the grocery store the night before Thanksgiving. I’m sure you can picture how crowded the store was. Anyway, we were standing in line and I promise you I was not looking at anybody. I look up at him and he had this sourpuss look on his face. So, I’m like what’s wrong with you, and he says I’ll kill you and him! So, I’m like what are you talking about! And we get into a big argument which he later apologized for. This was pretty typical of him.

Long story short, I don’t think he is cheating on me and he does do everything I ask him to concerning me and my kids. He cooks and cleans and pays the bills, but I feel as if I’m losing myself in this relationship. I have alienated myself from just about all my family and friends because my family really doesn’t like him and he thinks all females are deep down hoes especially my friends. Which I find totally ridiculous. I just go along with it because I love him so much. My question to you is his not cheating enough for me to stay and try to work it out despite my unhappiness? Or, should I leave and do me like I feel deep within my heart?  Thank you in advance. – Is It Enough

Dear Ms. Is It Enough,

Get out! Get out! Get out!

Don’t wait another day.

Get out!

Re-read your letter, line by line. But, pay particular close attention to your last paragraph. He does everything for you, thus, making you dependent on him. You’ve been alienated from your family and friends. He thinks all females are deep down hoes. So, I ask, what does he think about you? Oh, yeah, he demonstrated how he feels about you at the grocery store when he said he will kill you and him. He suspects you are cheating, will cheat, and in his words, you’re just like your friends and all females, that deep down you’re a hoe. GET OUT!

I want you to notice the changes you’ve gone through since you been with him. First, he takes care of you and your kids making sure that you don’t want for anything. (Clue number 1)

You were working, but unfortunately lost your job. Then, he tells you to stay home and that he will take care of everything. Chile, that’s because he thinks or suspects that you will meet a man while you’re at work, or at lunch, or in casual meetings, or other various places. (Clue number 2)

Now, all you do is sit in the house while he’s at work. You ain’t got nobody. You’re isolated and alone. HELLO!! And, he probably calls you all throughout the day to see what you’re doing. (Clue number 3)

He has become somewhat controlling. Girl, puhlease. He’s not somewhat controlling. He is controlling. (Clue number 4)

When you’re at the store, you notice him with a sourpuss look on his face. He says he’ll kill you and him. That’s when I would have packed all my –ish and got the hell out. Not waiting around to make good on his promise. (Clue number 5)

So, ma’am, I have to be the bearer of this BREAKING NEWSFLASH! He’s always been controlling and manipulative. A man who has control issues manipulates women and slowly over time changes the dynamics of the relationship whereas you become totally dependent on him. Why? Because he doesn’t want you working, hanging out, socializing with friends, or even being with your family members. Because you are dependent on him, he controls every aspect of your life, household, and relationship. Eventually, he will start abusing you.

Just notice how he’s slowly been taking you away from everything you love – work, friends, family members, and the world. He is isolating you. GET OUT!

Let’s start with the subtle ways YOUR MAN has been changing the dynamics of your relationship, and controlling you. However, you haven’t noticed these small little things because you are SOOOOOOO in love. SMDH!

First, verbally. He will say negative things about your friends, family members, and yourself. This is his way of making sure that you have no one but him. He slowly takes you away from your family and friends. He talks about your friends, calling them names, and that he doesn’t want you hanging with them. (Sounds familiar?) Eventually, he will start verbally abusing you.  Saying little subtle things to you like, why don’t you to keep the house clean, you’re home all day. Why don’t you cook and have dinner ready, you’re home all day. Why isn’t the laundry done, you’re home all day. Or, he will make snide comments telling you that you need to lose weight. Or, he tells you what you shouldn’t wear something, or picking out what you should wear. On top of that, he tells you that he will kill you if he ever catches you cheating. (Trust me, he will. Even if you’re not cheating. The fact that he suspects that you are will drive him to harm you) GET OUT!

Second, emotionally. He’ll tell you how much he loves you, yet, at the same time when you argue he makes you feel small. He’ll be hot one day, then cold then next. He’s playing you’re your emotions. When you confront him he is over-the-top angry. Yelling, screaming and throwing things. Then, hours later he is apologizing with gifts, flowers, and sex. (Sounds familiar?) Again, I repeat, if he suspects you of cheating, he will often make threats against your life. Even if you’re not cheating, his angry and suspicion will drive him to harm you. GET OUT!

Third, physically. When you don’t do what he says, or he suspects you’re cheating, or doing anything without him, he will start pushing you, slapping you, and then punching you. Don’t wait until this stage. GET OUT TODAY!

Look, I’m just giving you the facts about what’s going on. And, for the record, things are not going to change when you get married. As a matter of fact, and like most women who think their man will change after marriage, it only gets worse. He will feel as if he owns you, and can do whatever he wants to you because you’re married to him, and you’re not going anywhere. So, you sit up there and try to justify him and his behavior, and say, “But you don’t understand. I love him, and he loves me. His good outweighs his bad. And, he will never put his hands on me.” Whatever! You stay and you will pay. Your heart is telling you what to do. Get out of your head and listen to your heart. If things don’t feel right, and you’re not happy, GET OUT! It will continue to go downhill. He is dangerous. He is insecure. He is jealous. He will hurt you. Just re-read your letter, and go over everything that has happened thus far. Open your eyes! – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

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author terrance dean
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Mogul     Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
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