I have been with my boyfriend for about 9 months now and I am pregnant.
We connected instantly and love each other a lot. We are both happy about the baby and spending our lives together just sounds amazing. My issue is that he smokes weed every day. He has done so for about 4 years and says he “wants to quit.” Let me inform you that this “man” cannot hold a job due to failing drug tests. We have yet to go on a first date because he “never has money.” He has anger issues and is rarely positive. He had a job for about a week then got fired because his drug test came back tampered with. He says he wants a job but can’t quit the weed.
It is so bad that one day me, him, his friend, and his friend’s girl went riding around. His friend saw a guy selling roses on the street and got his girlfriend one. I said, “awww,” hoping he would do the same. Nope, he instead says, “Man, why would you do that? You make me look bad. You know this is my re-up money for weed.” So, apparently $5 is too much to spend on me.
He never has money for me, but always has money for weed. I want to go to movies and out to eat, just basic romance. Romance doesn’t exist here! I fear the weed is making his anger worse. Our arguments don’t seem like arguments they seem like him telling me what I am doing “wrong” and his harsh words make me cry. I am starting to think that I decided to have a child with the wrong guy and I don’t know what to do. He is incredibly selfish and I think I am figuring this out when it’s too late. We’re about to have a child and I don’t want him to pick weed over my child because that is just ridiculous and I hope he has more sense. I need some advice please. – In Love With A Weed Head
Dear Ms. In Love With A Weed Head,
You’ve been dating a man for 9 months, and you’re already pregnant!?! Sigh! Here we go with this backwards asinine bull-ish, yet, again! Ladies and gentlemen, and all you tax payers out there this is where and what your money benefits. This is the support that you contribute to each year to help pay for.
Ms. Honey, you barely know this man, and you’re up here talking about y’all are so in love. In the beginning of your letter you’re saying how you both are excited about the baby, and how spending your lives together sounds amazing. Bwahahahahahahaha! Uhm, sweetie, notice that by the end of your letter you’re expressing regret that you’ve decided to have a child with the wrong guy, and you don’t know what to do. He’s selfish and your arguments are of him telling you what you did wrong and his harsh words make you cry.
Now, I may not be a rocket scientist, but, err, uhm, I do know this — if in one letter, you go from being in love and excited about having a baby to regret over your decision and the uncertainty of your future together, then by my math and calculations you’re not as happy as you say you are, and you’re hoping things will turn around, but you know they won’t, therefore, you’re considering if going through with this entire relationship will end up with you being another statistic as a BABY MOMMA TO A NO-GOOD TRIFLING ABSENTEE FATHER.
And, my answer is, yes, you’re correct in your assumption.
Now, let me see if I can get this short yellow bus to pick you up and bring you to my school, The Women’s Academy For Transformation From Donkey To Lady. I’m holding a spot especially for you!
Ma’am, by reading your letter, and from what you shared about him and his weed habit, as well as his behaviors, I’m surmising that he may have a mental health problem. Now, I’m not a specialist, psychiatrist, or expert, but from what you’ve described about his erratic behavior, mood swings, anger issues, inability to hold a job, and his need for weed every day all day is a typical sign of someone who is self-medicating themselves who suffers from a mental health issue that he may not have been diagnosed. But, again, I’m speculating based on the information you provided.
Also, he has an addiction. That is certain. He is addicted to drugs, and if you can’t see that, and refuse to believe that he is, then you are just as in denial as he is. And, you are an enabler, along with his family and friends. Yes, all of you are playing a part of his drug addiction by allowing him to continue to use drugs, yet, no one is stepping in to help him see this, or even offer treatment. You all sit by and say, “Well, it’s just weed. So, what he smokes every day. He’s not hurting anyone.”
Despite what you think or heard, marijuana is a drug. And, if your man is using every day, and he is using his money, the very little he has, to buy it, and he is unable to maintain a job, and his behavior is affected when he is not using, then HE HAS A DRUG PROBLEM!
If he will prefer to buy drugs over food, or even to take you out and do nice things with you, HE HAS A DRUG PROBLEM!
If he refuses to stop using in the efforts of maintaining and holding a job longer than a week, HE HAS A DRUG PROBLEM!
And, if you think that he will choose weed over his child, then you are absolutely correct. HE WILL CHOOSE WEED OVER HIS OWN CHILD BECAUSE HE HAS A DRUG PROBLEM!
No, he is not a winner. No, you did not choose wisely with this man as a mate. No, you are not a priority to him, nor will your child. He will choose weed over you and his child every time. He is not fit to be a father. He is not suitable as a mate. He is not worthy to waste your time investing in this relationship because for the short 9 months you’ve been together, he has been consistent in one thing, and one thing only – buying and smoking weed every day. This is what you’ve known about him the entire time you’ve been with him, yet, YOU decided to overlook this and procreate with him. Why? I don’t know. The –ish people do for love, for a man, and for a relationship baffles me every day when I open my inbox and read the letters.
So, what woman in her right mind would continue to lay with a man, and have unprotected sex with a man who has no job, cannot maintain a job, and who smokes weed every day? Oh, yeah, that woman is you, and I’m certain that you are not in your right mind. Something is clearly wrong with you. At some point you have to take responsibility for your actions. You have to take responsibility for your part in all of this. You allow him to talk down to you, berate you, and make you feel bad. You allow him to buy weed every day, yet, he has no job, and the little money he gets, which is probably from you, helps him to get high and not take responsibility for his life, or the life he has helped to create with you. Therefore, he is not, will not, and cannot be accountable. He has no respect for you, nor are you are priority to him.
If he will not buy a $5 rose for you now, he will not spend $5 in the future on you, or his child. If he won’t take you out to dinner, movie, or do simple things, he will not do it later. And, he won’t even spend time with his child once the child is here. If he won’t stop smoking weed to maintain and keep a job now, then he will not stop smoking weed when the child is born to help take care of his responsibility. He has shown you who he is. Believe him. And, I believe that his only responsibility is to make sure he gets his weed every day to drown out whatever misery, pain, or mental/emotional challenge he has. You will be another statistic of a baby momma dealing with a no-good trifling man who won’t pay child support, or help care for his child. And, you will become bitter and angry because you will feel that he is doing you wrong. The cycle continues, and will repeat, yet again. – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!