Dear Bossip: He Hustles Because Of Setbacks & I See His Potential For Better, But He’s Taking A While To Get There

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Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

black urban man

Dear Bossip,

I can’t believe I’m doing this, but I’m a single mother who’s at the point in my life where I know what I want.

I’ve been dating this guy for about a year. He is really sweet and great in bed, but I’m not sure if it could ever be more. He is an educated athlete that I’ve known for awhile who got hurt right before we started dating. He now “hustles” to make ends meet. I have kids and that’s not something I want them to know or be around. I see his potential but he’s taking a bit long to get where he should be. I should also mention that he has had several setbacks in the past year which would include his home being destroyed by a natural disaster. My question is am I wrong for wanting him to do better? And, how long is too long to wait on him to do better? Sincerely – Got Mine Together When You Gon’ Get Yours

Dear Ms. Got Mine Together When You Gon’ Get Yours,

Ma’am, uhm, ma’am, listen here – if he is an educated athlete and he got hurt, which seems to have disabled his athletic career, then how does “hustling” becomes an educated choice as the next step to make ends meet? Please explain to me how educated of a choice is that? Do you really believe in all your infinite knowledge that hustling would be the intelligent choice of someone who has some education, or some work capabilities? You’re a smart cookie. I know you are. So, ask yourself why are you putting up with this? Why are you sticking around debating about this? What are you gaining from this?

Now, let’s move forward and look at the statement that you made about your kids not being exposed to his hustling lifestyle. Girl, puhlease, your kids are not stupid. They know what’s going on. They know he doesn’t have a job, and he’s making money somehow. I’m pretty sure that if they are of an appropriate age, then they are not that naïve to believe that money just magically falls from the sky. They know about drug dealers and how they live their lives and the things they do to get money. And, I’m very certain that your kids have put two and two together.

So, if you don’t want your kids to be around when the po-po comes knocking down your door, or when customers find out where you live and come looking for him for their next fix, then do as any sensible and reasonable woman would do. You get out of the relationship. You don’t expose yourself, your kids, and your well-being to the livelihood of someone who doesn’t seem to make adequate choices in life. If he is dumb enough to hustle in 2013, then his a** is dumb enough to know the consequences behind his actions. He doesn’t care about his own life because any smart and intelligent person knows the dangers behind hustling, and the outcomes of hustling. And, if he doesn’t care about his life, then he certainly doesn’t care about yours. No ma’am. So, again, I ask, why are you still waiting on him? What are you gaining from this?

Furthermore, how does an educated athlete go from being educated to being a donkey? Well, could it be that he’s not as smart as you think he is. What is preventing him from making an educated choice and doing what most folks do when they have set backs in life? How about getting a job and doing what most educated folks do when they need to make ends meet? How about utilizing your skill-sets, your intelligence, and your talents to create additional income?

There is no excuse for him, and no excuse for you to be sitting around waiting on him. And, I’ve said it before, stop dating the potential in people! Stop being in love with the potential of people. UGH!!! You folks and seeing the potential in folks and falling in love with who you hope they will become one day. Potential doesn’t make a relationship. Potential doesn’t keep a relationship. And, if you sit around waiting on them to fulfill the potential you think they will eventually grow into, then you’re in for a big surprise. They will never reach their potential.

So, what do you do now? What educated and smart choice do you make for the well-being of yourself, your kids, and your own livelihood? You move on without him. You go do you and let him do him. You don’t have the time or energy to invest in someone who is not smart enough to make smart choices when life happens. Girl, we all have setbacks, and that’s a part of life, but smart and intelligent people make comebacks, and do what they need to do. Such as find a job, or they get an additional job. They create opportunities. They network. They utilize resources. They make contacts, and tap into their contacts who can help. And, they keep bouncing back despite the setbacks. They don’t hustle. They don’t put their life, or the life of those they love in danger. They don’t jeopardize their well-being.

Now, being equipped with this information, you tell me how long do you wait for him. You tell me how long you should sit around waiting on him to fulfill his potential. You tell me how long you continue to let your kids be exposed to his behavior. Because if you sit around long enough, and you maintain this relationship just know his choices and behavior will never change. Every time life happens, and you both experience setbacks, he will resort to behaviors he is familiar. It’s obvious he doesn’t adapt or do well under pressure. And, he clearly doesn’t know how to think or make adequate choices when times get hard. Donkey behavior will result in donkey actions. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

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author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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