Dear Bossip: He Had Immigration Issues, So We Married & Now We’re Lying To Our Parents About It

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Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Young woman older man

Dear Bossip,

I have been with my husband for two years now.

We moved pretty quickly in our relationship and moved in together eight months after dating. He is from Africa and was having some immigration issues so we decided to get married. My parents do not know we are married they just think we are engaged because I know they will think it was too soon. We are having a big ceremony next year for all our family to attend.

My husband is ten years older than me and sometimes I feel he is scolding me like a child. He’s always saying I’m irresponsible. People warned me that African men have tempers and believe me I have seen it. When he is angry he turns into another person. He has locked me out the house, thrown my purse out the window and pushed me. These things only happen when he has been drinking.

On top of that he doesn’t like to spend time with my family. I have to practically drag him to family functions. When my mom calls he doesn’t want to talk on the phone. He says it’s because she is gonna ask too many questions. I don’t know if this marriage is doomed. Please help. What should I do? – In Love With An African Man

Dear Ms. In Love With An African Man,

Sigh! Let me get my bearings together for this. (Sips tea mixed with a little sumthin sumthin)

Ma’am, you are a child. That’s why folks treat you like one. You’re hiding secrets from your parents. That’s childlike behavior. You’re with a man who is ten years older than you, and he scolds you like a child. Hmmmm. He says you’re irresponsible. Well, duh! You moved in with him after eight months of dating. Mature grown folks don’t do things like that. Then, you up and marry him in a haste, and then lie to your parents about it. Yes, you’re a child. Oh, but it gets better. You have to drag him to family functions, and when your mom calls he doesn’t want to talk to her. Uhm, ma’am, why are you handing the phone to your man like you’re some little a** girl? YOU ARE A DAMN CHILD!

Chile, I swear some of you folks are silly and slow. Let’s look at this other –ish. Your man who is from Africa was having some immigration issues, so you thought it was best to get married to resolve the issue. Hmmmm, okay. Then, you’re both lying to your parents about the marriage, and you’re keeping up a charade by having them think you’re still engaged. I’m confused. If you were engaged to be married, then you jumped the gun because he was about to be shipped off back home, then what’s the problem with sitting down with your parents and explaining to them what happened, and why.

Why not explain to them that you will still have the big wedding next year, but because of unforeseen issues you had to get married sooner. A simple explanation and some planning will get this matter resolved. Why continue to lie? Why keep up the charade of faking being married?

But, I know the real tee hee hee hee hee hee. Is it because there is more to the story and you feel guilty because the real reason your parents don’t want you to get married to him is because they know he’s probably using you? Your family has caused some concern about his intentions, and it’s got you thinking that he is perhaps using you. He doesn’t want to be married to you. He just wants you to be his wife for the sake of him getting his Visa and Green Card. So, do you think he is using you to stay in this country? Is there a small part of you that wonders that perhaps he will leave you once he gets his official papers? (Giving you the side eye)

(Sips tea) Let’s move on. He’s ten years older than you. You feel like a child who is being scolded. He’s locked you out the house, thrown your purse out the window and pushed you. And, these things only happen when he’s been drinking. Uhm, ma’am, this will only get worse before it gets worse. (Yes, I meant to say worse).

Why is he pushing you? Why is he locking you out of the house? And, why are you putting up with this? Put this –ish on ice and get him right together. I don’t care who, what, why, and how come, but putting his hands on you and locking you out of your own house, but err ma’am, you better let him know how American women handle their business. You allow this to continue and you will find yourself being pummeled by him. Check this –ish right now! Let him know that you know how to put roots on people too. If he wants to act crazy, then you can act just as crazy! Start that old school negro spiritual humming, and stirring your pot, putting in them chicken feet, gizzards, and pigs feet. He will learn tuhday!

LOL! Let me stop!

But, for real. It’s time to get his behavior in check. You’ve married this fool without really knowing him, and now you’re trying to figure out what to do. Welp, from what you wrote it’s adding up to a man who doesn’t really want to be married to you. He doesn’t want to inherit your family or get to know them. He’s lying and using you. He’s been using you for a while, and your family is hip to him. That’s why he doesn’t want to talk to your mom when she calls and asks him all those questions. He doesn’t have answers, and he knows your mom sees through his lies and bull-ish. And, it’s also the reason he doesn’t want to be around your family. He knows they are talking about him, and pulling his card about his real intentions. He’s avoiding them like the plague.

You’re the only fool who refuses to see him for who he really is. You’re stuck on stupid, and wanted to be married. And, in your blindness for love and wanting to be married, you’re failing to see what’s so obvious. And, your parents were trying to help you see this before you jumped and made this mistake. Now, look at you. You’re having regrets. Wondering how to fix this marriage. Wondering how to fix this man. YOU CAN’T! The only thing you can do is fix you. And, you do this by recognizing the mistake you made, and getting out before things get worse.

You don’t really know him. You don’t really understand his customs, ideas, and thoughts on marriage. You never sat with him and got to know anything about him nor what marriage is about. You were living in this fantasy world thinking you’d met your prince from Africa. Well, he’s not a prince. He doesn’t have a kingdom or riches running the Nile River. Either you get into counseling, or you get out of the marriage. Either you realize he’s using you, and ask him to be honest about it, or you remain in denial and keep up the charade of lying to yourself, and your parents. Either you make yourself a priority and build yourself up, or you allow yourself to be treated like a child, and being pushed around. The choice is yours. The power is within you. Grow up and stop acting like a child and folks will stop treating you like one. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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