I have been dating a man for the past 3 years. When we met it was utter bliss!
He told me he had an 11-year old daughter and he was in Real Estate, never married and just dating. We had an immediate connection. Dinners, movies, and quality time. Things started to get strange when we were about 6 months into the relationship and he never invited me to his home. We spent our nights together in hotel rooms because I refuse to take him to my place without knowing where he lives. And he said that he didn’t like to take women that he was dating to his place right away. He had like this “6 month rule.” I thought it was cool and we were just having fun. Until we went on our first vacation together.
He was really distant and seemed withdrawn. On the last day we were there he told me that he had something to tell me when we got back. He confessed that he had 2 other kids with 2 other baby mamas that he didn’t know how to tell me about before. An 8-year old daughter as well as a 2-year old son. I was upset and cut him off for a few weeks. He started to beg and ask that I don’t judge him. He claimed that he didn’t know how far things would get with us, and now that he knew that he had strong feelings for me he wanted to be honest. I decided to give things a chance.
He immediately arranged for me to meet all 3 kids and spend time with them. Everything was going great for a few months. Then I received a phone call from a random chick who says she’s his fiancé. He immediately confessed that it was a crazy ex-girlfriend who had his 4th child less than a year ago. He now says that he was not sure that the child was his and thus, never told me about this new son until now. I cut him off again for about a month before he came begging and pleading that it was not a planned pregnancy and this chick was crazy and he did not want to be with her.
I went through a lot of emotions because by this time I have already fallen for him. I have no children, a great career, and a bright future ahead of me. There is also an 8 year age difference between us. Was love enough to take on all this baggage? At the time I decided yes only because I did not want to judge him and I had strong feelings for him. Before you know it, we started going on vacations every few months, looking for a home together and talking about becoming more serious (marriage).
This was great until one of the baby mamas showed up on my front door step one morning driving his car that he told me was in the shop. He was sleeping in my bed when she knocked the door and asked if he was there. I took this opportunity to have a long talk with her. In this discussion I found out that he was giving her the impression that they were still an item. He was paying her bills and loaning her his car since the lease on hers was up. When he woke up to find her there he became livid and dismissed her abruptly. She left.
This was very confusing for me. He explained that he only lied about the car because I would not understand that he had to lend it to her to take his son to and from daycare. After a long talk and a new set of commitments, I brushed off that episode and continued the relationship. But from that point on, there was a lot of breaking up and making up.
I have since left him after getting fed up with all of the drama and the emotional roller coaster. It’s been about 6 months since we have been in communication. I have tried dating while committing to celibacy, but find myself having a hard time finding someone to take the place of this man that I loved dearly despite his flaws. I think about him every day and often dream about him. I don’t want to be back with him, but I do want to find a way to get over him. What should I do? – Letting Him Go
Dear Ms. Letting Him Go,
Girl, damn! It took you long enough! All of his lies, bull-ish, and drama of dealing with baby momma’s, pipe dreams, several children due to unprotected sex, which means he’s a walking infestation waiting to happen, and it took you damn near a year to break it off with him! SMDH! Whew!
I’m glad you got your bearings and walked away. I’m so happy that you had the strength to pull yourself together and leave all that madness where it is, BACK THERE! But, I’m concerned that you’re still harping and holding on to the memories of what you had with him. You’re having what I’d like to call, “Residual Penis Overlay.” This is when although you know a man is no good for you emotionally, mentally, and physically, however, the sex you had with him lingers in and throughout your spirit. The co-mingling of spirits, because your spirits become one when you have sex, and if a man is having sexual relations with several different women, then they exchange spiritual energy, and he brings this energy back to you. And as you lay to receive him, you receive everything attached to him. He releases into you and you collect his energy, their energy, and here you find yourself becoming hopeless, in despair, and sexually addicted to him.
Now, I want you to notice the six month rule about neither of you inviting each other to one another’s homes. The hell! He made that –ish up, for real! But, I digress. He had a six month rule (Which was bull-ish. He was living with his one of his baby momma’s), and you didn’t invite him to your home. Yet, during the six months you allowed yourself to engage in sexual relations with him, inviting him into an even more sacred space, YOUR BODY! So, it’s okay to invade your body, but he can’t invade your home?
You see how reflecting on this and the hindsight of what people will do all for the sake of wanting love, and companionship. You’ll sacrifice your own living BODY, knowing the dangers and risks you put yourself into all for the sake of having a man. You discovered that this man lied about having three children, and a possible fourth. Which, thus, means he is having unprotected random sex with women. And, I’m sure you were also having unprotected sex with him. And, the thought never crossed your mind that you were putting your BODY at risk with the potential of what this man could do to your BODY.
This is why, though, your mind is strong enough to leave him, but your BODY is still yearning for him. You want a cleanse of him, then cleanse your complete BODY of his and become spiritual renewed. Release him. This means verbally, mentally, and emotionally. You’ve already done it physically. Now, it’s time to get into the serious work of letting go of this man’s lingering spirit clinging to your spirit and BODY.
I suggest writing him a letter. Say everything in the letter you want to say to him as if he was standing right in front of you. Let him know how he hurt you. The lies he told you and what they did to you. How you felt for him, and how you believed in him and the relationship. Be completely honest and as expressive as you can. Let it all out. Pour everything into the letter. And, at the end of the letter you let him know how you’re done. You’re over him and the relationship, and that you release him so that you can be free. And, when you’re done, you either tear it up into a million pieces, or you burn it. Don’t mail it to him. Burn it or tear it up and throw it away.
It’s going to take you some time, but once you fully release him, and continue to move on it will get easier. And, instead of trying to replace him with another man, how about filling that space and energy with some positive spiritual reinforcements. Take up yoga, meditation, go to church, attend spiritual services, or join a women’s group. You’ve done the work of eliminating him physically, now get to moving in eliminating him for good! – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!