Do you really think the universe would’ve let us have a Black U.S. President AND Black Pope at the same damn time? Naaaaaaah, baby steps, guys. Baby steps. Here are ten reasons why the world wasn’t ready for a Black Pope. Photo credit: Twitter
After the way we behaved during Black History Month, we don’t deserve it Black America has been on timeout since February 28th. Why we even entertained the notion of a Black Pope after that 900-pound super-bear threw a whole table across the room (and ate several others), we just don’t know.
Black Pope Bash at clubs The possibility of “Black Pope bash” and “Turnt-up Thursdays” on the same club flyer made Cardinal Turkson’s snub seem more like a blessing in disguise than anything else. Boosie’s head photoshopped onto the Black Pope’s body on club flyers? NAH. NOPE.
Wounds are still fresh from the Chris Dorner saga Cardinal Turkson probably would’ve been elected Pope had that angry Black domestic terrorist-commando-super spy Chris Dorner not scared white America sick. Yeeeeea, block’s a little too hot for a Black Pope. World is still scarred from RamBro’s rampage.
Black Pope Rap punchlines The Pope is a globally-adored Catholic mascot who represents everything Holy and pure about Catholicism, not a slick Rap punchline. “Went from slangin dope to poppin Mollies with the Black Pope?” Why even make this possible?
Pressure to be “Black enough” from Black community Like Obama, the Black Pope would’ve had to prove his Blackness to his own people or risk getting his Black card revoked. Can he hoop? Does he say “can I get uhhhh…” before ordering meals? Has he ever reneged during a Spades game? We would’ve needed to know this. Photo credit: Instagram
You wouldn’t be able to tell US isht with a Black President AND Pope DeAndre would stroll into work late with his du-rag cape flapping majestically and tell his boss what he AIN’T gon’ do. Meeka would finish all her tweets and “bored at work” selfies before acknowledging customers. Nothing would ever get done. Customer service would crumble. Photo credit: Instagram
Increased levels of racism Bitterness over Obama’s victory still lingers with millions and the election of a Black Pope would’ve divided our fake post-racial nation even more. If you think racism doesn’t exist, it does, and is even more overt and deeply-rooted overseas. Photo credit: Instagram
Another excuse for random gunfire into the sky The election of a Black Pope would’ve given Quantavious & nem a reason to fire shots into the sky like complete fools. Remember when Obama won the 2008 election? Rained bullets for days. Photo credit: Instagram
21 questions about Black Pope from friendly white people “So, how does it feel to have a Black Pope? Exciting, huh? Kinda feels like Obama winning in 2008? Crazy, right? The world is soooooooo different now than it was during the Civil Rights era. So exciting, I’m sure? How are you going to celebrate?” Nah, bruh. Waaaaaaaaaay too stressful.