I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We have known each other for 8 years.
Through the 5 years we have been together we have had many ups and downs and trying times. He works construction so many times he’s without a job. He pays mostly all of our bills. But, during the time he’s not working I help out. We have no children. I have a full-time job and also have recently graduated with my degree. Before I graduated he made many comments that he thought I was going to leave him when I found a job with my degree and I constantly told him no.
One day I came home and he told me he had something serious to talk about. I thought he was going to ask me to marry him. Boy was I wrong.
He told me that he had cheated on me months ago and was recently contacted and told that he had a baby that had just been born. He said it was a one night stand and it meant nothing to him. Now the chick had went the whole pregnancy and hadn’t contacted him. She didn’t even have his number. He had blocked her after he cheated on me. He says he did it because he knew he was wrong. The chick contacted his mother on a social network. After the paternity test was done, it was found out the baby was his. I told him people make mistakes and I would stay with him. Before we found out about this baby everything was changing for us. We were in a good place. But now it’s weird because he really did cheat on me and now there is physical proof. Every time I look at this child it’s proof he cheated on me.
How can we start our own family when he made a family with some random girl? He says he wants to marry me but how do I know this won’t happen again? His family, who loves me, told me if I left him they would still be there for me. They even offered me a place to stay to get my head together. I love this man but this was the ultimate betrayal. – Miss 2 Confused
Dear Miss 2 Confused,
Honey, that is some blindsided –ish right there. WOW! A random one night stand turns into a lifetime commitment of your man being a father and tied to a woman he barely knows. Some random a** woman he stuck his penis in without a condom and now he is a father. For the next 18 years he will be responsible for child support. He will be responsible for the care, and medical health of his child. He will have to be responsible in helping raise the child. Yes, this is a lifetime commitment and you should feel a certain type of way. And, no, you shouldn’t make it so easy for him to get back into your good graces. He done “F” up!
Your man betrayed your trust. He betrayed you in that instance when he failed to use protection and had sex with a random chick. What if he not only got her pregnant, but came home with an incurable disease. Then what? He failed to use his better judgment and now he wants you to stick by his side for his failure to hold up his end of the bargain in being faithful and monogamous. Chile, puhlease! It’s going to take more than an, “I’m sorry.” Like you said, every time you see the child you will be reminded of the fact that your man cheated.
If this is something you feel you can’t deal with, then you’re not obligated to stay. He strayed and impregnated someone. You were upholding your end of the bargain. He didn’t. When someone reneges on a contract, then the terms can be either renegotiated, or the contract is voided. So, perhaps you take some time apart and you get your head clear. Perhaps you take some time to think about what you want to do next and if this is something you want to spend a lifetime dealing with. Or, you both get into counseling and get to the root of why he did what he did, and why you feel a certain type of way.
But, let’s examine some facts. You were starting to do well together as a couple. When he works he pays majority of the bills. But, when he’s not working you hold him down. You stand by his side. You’re faithful. You’re honest. You’re loving. You were hoping to build a life and get married. Then, BOOM! This MoFo does the unthinkable. SMDH!
I would like to add this for measure as consideration as to why he had random unprotected sex with this woman. You stated that, “Before I graduated he made many comments that he thought I was going to leave him when I found a job with my degree and I constantly told him no.” This is the telling part of your man’s insecurity. He felt that as a man he was not enough for you. He felt that once you got your degree that you would want to move on to a man who was educated, smart, had something going for him other than a construction job, and a man who would be able to provide and care for you. He felt that once he stopped working, again, that you would walk out on him because you’re beautiful, smart, intelligent, and any man would want to snatch you up. You’ve held him down, and been there for him, so he felt that you would get tired of him and move on.
So, what does he do? His insecurity, low self-esteem, and his inability to be honest and communicate with you and tell you that he’s scared caused him to have unprotected sex with a random woman. No, it’s not an acceptable excuse. And, no, it doesn’t excuse his behavior. But, consider this while you’re trying to understand why he did what he did. Take into account that he’s probably more afraid you’re leave him, and he doesn’t want to lose you. And, he didn’t know how to say that.
Therefore, take all the time you need. Process this and think about what you want you to do next. This is your life. You’re young, and have a lot to look forward to. You can take him back and work on your relationship. In which I strongly suggest couple’s counseling. Or, you walk away and do you! Either way, you need the time to process your emotions and feelings. He violated your trust. Every day he should be asking for forgiveness for what he did. He has to earn back your trust in him. But, it’s going to take you being honest with yourself and what you want and what you think you deserve. – Terrance Dean
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