I need an outsider’s advice and I’m just praying that you understand where I’m coming from.
I am a 22-year old college student and right now I am struggling financially. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost three years now. He is 4 years older than me. Because my mom died when I was a child and I’m not really close with anyone in my family, I’ve always felt like I was alone and had no one to turn to, that is until I met him.
He has taught me a lot about becoming an adult; things that no one in my family ever took the time out to teach me. He’s done so much for me like giving me money to pay my tuition, taking the bus just so I can use his car to get to school and work, and giving me money to pay my rent whenever I needed it.
However, over the summer he started to put his hands on me. For months I had a bald spot in the back of my head from where he pulled my hair out. I’ve had to call the police on him more times than I can remember and each time they tell me I should press charges or get a restraining order. I feel bad and don’t want him to get in trouble. After this happens he’ll stay away for a little while, but then call me crying or show up at my house in the middle of the night literally on his knees saying how much he needs me.
I know he’s just doing whatever he can so that I don’t leave, but at this point in my life I feel like I can’t make it without him. I’m a very pretty girl and everyone tells me that I’m too good of a girl to go through this. My boyfriend has gone through my phone and seen messages that say I deserve better, but his response is always, “so and so is only saying that because he wants to hit, and after you let him you’ll never hear from him again. Nobody actually cares they all just want something from you.”
Whenever there is a problem regardless of what it is it’s my fault. I quit a good job so I could go back to school, and he says I’m a stupid little girl who is always making wrong decisions and then running to him when things don’t work out. When he hits me he says it’s because he doesn’t know how to handle the problems and if I wouldn’t give him such a hard time about everything then he wouldn’t feel the need to do it. He’ll tell me how bad he feels, but in the next conversation tell me he wants to punch my teeth out. This all comes from the man who has told me that he wants to marry me and start a life with me.
When I tell him that I don’t deserve to be treated or talked to in certain ways and I want it to be over, he gives me a guilt trip about how he didn’t put so much time and effort into this relationship to let it go. Like I said before I’m not close with my family and there is only so much help that they can offer. No one else is able to help me as much as he has. If I leave then I would have to drop out of school because I wouldn’t have a car to get there. He knows that so there have been plenty of times where he calls himself teaching me a lesson by not letting me use his car and causing me to miss classes and fail tests, and I hate the fact that he has so much control over my future.
I just don’t know what else to do. Getting my degree is the only thing on my mind, but I don’t want to compromise myself or keep putting myself in danger to attain it. It just doesn’t look like there is any other way. I don’t want this man to cause me to settle and give up on my plans, but I don’t want to be mistreated either.
So, should I just give up on school for now even though I’m already years behind, or should I just take the help that I can get and at the first chance I get high tail it out. Please help me because I’m just doing the best that I can with what I’ve been given. – Trying To Change
Dear Ms. Trying To Change,
Okay, Miss Thang, this is it! Your pity party is officially over! This letter was your pity party and now it’s time to get into some action. It’s time to make things happen, and it first begins with you boiling some grits in the morning in the big black pot, and tossing them on his nuts while he’s sleeping!!! The Hell!!
Chile, for you to be in college, you sure are lacking the intellect in real life. It’s time to pull it together and act like you got some damn sense!
I don’t care what you’ve been through, what your life has been like, and the separation you have from family, but NEVER let, allow, or put up with a man putting his hands you! I don’t care who the hell it is! Once a man puts his hands on you, he will do it over and over again. So, eliminate that bull-ish and get the HELL OUT of this relationship!
I don’t understand why you won’t press charges and get a restraining order. What is wrong with you? Ain’t no d**k that damn good! And, ain’t no man that fine, or whatever the hell he has, worth it! Chile, puhlease! You better lock his a** up! He wants to put his hands on a woman, then abusers need to be in jail. Let Pookie and Bubba handle his a** in jail. They know what to do with men who abuse women. They will treat his a** like the bitch he is!
Sweetie, he has emotional and mental problems that are beyond you fixing, worrying about, or dealing with. If he can’t control his anger, and he blames you for why he does the things he does to you, then the next time he is sleeping in bed you take a big a** skillet, or get you a baseball bat and knock him upside his damn head! It’s time to start knocking some damn sense into his damn head! Batter up!
But, seriously, it’s time for you to create an exit plan immediately and get out of this relationship. Change your locks. Change your phone number. Delete him from your Facebook. And, don’t open the door when he comes over crying and begging for you to take him back. The next time he gives you his car to go to school, you head straight to the police station and get the restraining order. They already have a documented account of them coming to your home for the domestic abuse calls. So, all you got to do is let them know that you are ready to get the restraining order. It will go into effect immediately.
Then, you go to school and after class you park the car at some parking lot like Wal-Mart, or at his home, and have a friend or a classmate drive you home. Let him know where his car is and keep that bum a** low life out of your life.
You don’t deserve what he is doing to you. I don’t care if he is giving you money, allowed you to use his car, and gave you some advice about life. It should not be at the detriment of your well-being, or your physical or mental or emotional health. He doesn’t love you. He wants to control you. He wants to make you so weak, so sufficient on him, that he is wearing you down to make you dependent on him. And, eventually he will beat you so bad that no one will recognize you, and you’ll end up in the hospital or six feet in the ground. It’s not worth it!
Regain your self-esteem and self-worth. You are too smart, intelligent, beautiful, and loving to have someone destroy your mind, body, and spirit. HE IS NOT A REAL MAN. HE IS A BOY WHO HAS NO CONTROL OVER HIS EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS. So, you get rid of this little boy and begin the work on you and rebuilding you!
And, stop all this damn whining that you have no family or anyone or anywhere to go. Yes, you do! You have a professor at your school that you can talk with. Tell them what’s going on. You have a classmate at school that you trust, tell them what’s going on. You have friends in your life that you confide in, so have them help you in providing a network of support. Stop playing the damn victim! Nobody wants to help you because you keep complaining. They give you advice on what to do but you don’t follow through. I know I will stop answering the damn phone, or I’ll hang up on you’re a**. Folks will get tired of you crying wolf and don’t do anything to get rid of the wolf. Eventually, no one will answer your phone calls, and the next time you call the police they will take even longer to get to your house because you won’t press charges or file a report.
Stop this asinine bull-ish of feeling guilty and that you deserve this. YOU DON’T! Get your big girl panties and get a backbone. If you have to take a semester off from school to get yourself together, then do so. YOUR LIFE IS AT STAKE! Create a plan. Hell, move closer to your school, get a part-time job to start taking care of yourself, and if it boils down to it you can always apply to a school in another state. You can transfer to another school and start your life over! You have options. Explore them!
Chile, you have a bald spot in the back of your head from him pulling your hair out. He would have knots all upside his damn head from me banging his head with a bat or skillet. And, he’ll have no balls because they’ll be scolded. Castrate his a**!!! If you don’t want to end up on the next episode of Snapped, then you better create an action plan and plan to move on. Call the women’s domestic abuse hotline and speak with one of the counselors. It’s anonymous and they will help. There are plenty of resources for women who are in domestic abuse situations. YOU ARE A DOMESTIC ABUSE VICTIM. Get help today! – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!