There are two kinds of Black people in this world: Those who LOVE Tyler Perry (and support everything he does) and those who HATE the fatsuit-wearing filmmaker and his cinematic junk food. Filthy rich and powerful, he feeds his flock unrealistic life lessons that only make sense in his mind and nowhere else. Here are ten valuable lessons learned from Tyler Perry films. Take a look.
If you cheat on your spouse, you’re automatically cursed with HIV. In Tyler Perry land, HIV is a punishment for husbands/wives who cheat. So don’t, because if you do, you’ll be lonely and AIDsy. Forever.
Awkward dry cough = HIV Janet (who was basically the Black version of “Miranda Priestly” in “Devil Wears Prada”) had this awkward dry cough throughout “For Colored Girls.” Yep, she had HIV. No, seriously.
The grass is never greener on the other side In Tyler Perry land, Alicia Keys and Swizzy would have the deadliest strain of HIV ever. Swizz would lose his ability to scream over records and Alicia would lose her already worthless voice, pianos and fame. Cold world.
It’s only OK for a man to hit a woman when she’s nasty or evil In “The Family That Preys,” Sanaa Lathan’s henpecked husband finally snaps and slaps her over a table. So nasty and cruel, she deserved it, right? In Tyler Perry land, she does.
Dark-skinned men are EVIL (and beat, degrade and drag women across the floor by their weave) The darker and ashier the Black man the more abusive and wicked he is. Science.
Light-skinned men were designed by God to save women from their problems …which explains why Drake whispers “Baby girl, you shouldn’t be here” in skripper’s ears during lap dances.
A troubled woman can only be saved by a light-skinned man Because, again, dark-skinned men were created by the Devil to terrorize decent women.
The perfect man will always fall from the sky and save a woman if she prays (and pays her tithes) With prayer and faith in God, the man of a woman’s dreams will fall from Heaven onto her doorstep and be everything she needs to overcome her struggles.
Black folks don’t care about movie quality, they just want a soul-warming message. Tyler’s movies cost $10 million to make and gross over $80 million. His fans don’t care about cringe-worthy dialogue, awkward camera angles, plot holes or raggedy cornrow wigs. ALL TP movies critic-proof? Sadly, yes.