Dear Bossip: After 3 Years Of His Cheating I Went Cold, But He Left Me

Dear Bossip,

I’ve ruined my first relationship I’ve ever built with my boyfriend of 3 years over his past scandalous ways.

I had met my now ex-boyfriend (let’s call him Scott) back in 2009 through his brother who was a co-worker of mine. His brother and I were extremely close. I knew everything about his player ways – he was in an 8 year relationship and he was cheating on his girl. So, knowing this information, knowing their bond, hearing the constant “be careful” advices – I went with my gut and started seeing Scott.

I fell! I fell head over heels in love. We were inseparable. We couldn’t stop seeing each other. Hand on the bible! In the last 3 years I can only count of 30 days max that we did not see each other. Which isn’t healthy I get it, but I loved him – I couldn’t help myself.

Now, 3 months into our relationship, I had accidentally come across a text message he had sent to one of his girl friends’ who had asked about me, “How’s your girl?” Scott’s response, “Oh her, you know she’s just to pass the time, right? Different culture – it’ll never work out.”

I was in shock, I was hurt. I didn’t know what to do. He said he said it because of “pride.” I can’t remember how or why but I forgave him. Then came his brother’s engagement, where he right in front of me was picking up a girl – which then became a constant thing inside clubs, even shopping! I could go on forever about the two and half years worth of things I took in and continued to forgive him over, but that would be a novel of the same bull-ish over and over again

I reached my breaking point in August of 2012, a point in which I felt numb. I felt heartless, I just didn’t care anymore. And, just when I went cold, he all of a sudden started to care. He came clean to me about everything. He had never physically cheated on me – but he had admitted to emotionally cheating, flirting and what-not. He broke down. He did nothing but cry to me. I’ve never seen a tear in his eyes prior to his apologies and it hurt me. It hurt me because I didn’t know how to be not cold. I knew he was sorry and I know I need to forgive him, to trust him in order to fix things, and I tried! I tried so hard, but I don’t know why I was continuing to be soooo cold to him.

This went on till just a few days after our 3 year mark, but eventually he left me. He couldn’t handle the way I treated him anymore. How I wasn’t myself anymore. How I didn’t prioritize him anymore or sexually satisfy him anymore. And, while I sit here missing him, I still cannot figure out what I could have done to fix myself. The issue is me, and I don’t even know what my question is to you or what I need to hear from saying this but a part of me feels like I lost the love of my life and the other half of me …I’m just numb. Help! What do I do? Do I go back to him? Do I try again? Is the issue me? Do I need to fix myself? I’m truly a lost soul. – Simply Lost

Dear Ms. Simply Lost,

Look, I feel for you. I do. I know how it feels to love someone with everything you have, and they just don’t seem to care. They hurt you. They don’t acknowledge you. They don’t reciprocate the love. Yes, we’ve all been there.

I’m just concerned that prior to dating him, and having all the information about his philandering ways, his player ways, the fact that he was cheating on his girlfriend of eight years, and everyone warning you not to date him, yet, you still jumped into a relationship with him. Why would you think he would be different with you? Why would you not think he would treat you like he treated every other woman?

This is of concern to me because I receive so many letters from women like you who know that the men they want to be with are not right for them. You know this man’s behaviors and mistreatment of women, yet, you will pursue these men hoping you can change them. Hoping you can make him the man you want him to be. Hoping he will see the good in you and turn around and change. Why do you women knowingly put yourself through this drama, heartache, and pain? It boggles my mind.

I’ve said it a thousand million times – When someone shows you who they are, believe them!

This man has shown you repeatedly who he is over the three years you were together, you should have believed him the first time. When you “came” upon the text he sent to a friend saying that you were something to do to pass the time and that it will never work out, you should have left. And, true to his words, it didn’t work out. He left you.

And, it’s normal to grow cold after being mistreated by someone you love. Eventually, you will get tired of being used a doormat and will want to get up and get the mud and dirt off you. You even said that you reached your breaking point and finally had enough. You were done. Fed up. Enough was enough. We all have our breaking points. It took you nearly three years to get to yours, but you finally got there. Hell, there are women who get married, and remain stuck in marriages because they hadn’t reached their breaking point. Everyone has their breaking point. I know I wouldn’t have waited three years. The first time you lie, cheat, or mistreat me I’m out!

And, here’s the thing, he saw the change in you and that you turned cold. He realized that he had worn you down and out. So, he wanted to get you back to the naïve and vulnerable you were when he met you. He didn’t like the woman you became. But, it was because of him. His lies, emotional cheating, and mistreatment of you finally was enough for you to open your eyes and see him for who he really was.

Now, let’s answer your questions. You said, “While I sit here missing him, I still cannot figure out what I could have done to fix myself. The issue is me, and I don’t even know what my question is to you or what I need to hear from saying this but a part of me feels like I lost the love of my life and the other half of me …I’m just numb. Help! What do I do?”

It’s normal to miss someone you’ve been with for a long period of time. But, now it’s time rebuild yourself. Surround yourself with positive motivating people who can encourage you with a positive and loving word. Let them shower you with reminders of how beautiful, smart, intelligent, and wonderful you are. Then, keep a journal and write to yourself. Express yourself in your journal of what you’re feeling. Also, each morning, and before you go to bed, look in the mirror and tell yourself that you’re beautiful and smart. Tell yourself how wonderful you are. Tell yourself that you deserve the best, and you deserve goodness. And, smile at yourself and embrace yourself.

“Do I go back to him?”

No, you don’t go back to him. He’s shown you who he is. He is not going to change. You’re a grown woman, and he’s a little boy still playing games. You don’t have time for children’s games.

“Do I try again?”

No, you don’t try again. You gave him all you had. You were faithful, monogamous, and believed him when he led you to believe you had a relationship. He wasn’t faithful. He emotionally cheated. He played you, and continued to mistreat you. Why try again knowing this information? It’s not worth it. Look how you’ve become. If you try again, you’ll only end up bitter, angry, and callous. You’re too beautiful and wonderful of a person to become that type of woman.

“Is the issue me?”

No, the issue is not you. He is the issue. He doesn’t know how to be in a relationship. He doesn’t know how to treat women. He doesn’t know how to be a man, a good man, a monogamous man, a respectful man, a loving man.

“Do I need to fix myself?”

The only thing you need to fix is your emotional and mental well-being. You need to recover and heal. You need your mojo back. You need to refuel and energize yourself into a new woman. And, don’t allow yourself to get back into this type of situation or relationship again. You teach people how to treat you, and they will only do to you what you allow them to do to you. You’re worth more than that. Stop allowing men to treat you any type of way, and you will teach them how to treat you as the woman you deserve. Now, stand up, celebrate yourself, and be good to yourself – Terrance Dean

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!