Dear Bossip: I Knew Of His Baby Momma, But She Wants Our Kids To Be Together

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Categories: Dear Bossip, Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

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Dear Bossip,

I have a 1-year old daughter and I’m still with her father.

But, when we first met he told me he had a daughter with another woman who was 3-years old at the time. And, the way he explained the relationship between them was, “I pick up my daughter, and spend time with her; or, she drops her off at my parent’s house.”

Okay, but, when I first had my daughter coming around his family I noticed that at every family event the mother of his other child is there. I feel blindsided! If I would have known that she was very close evidently to his family like that I wouldn’t have dealt with him for the simple reason I stated while dating him. I don’t do baby mothers because the men I’ve dealt with and who had baby mothers was full of drama. And, I avoided it at all cost, even leaving a couple of men alone because of that issue.

He doesn’t see anything wrong with it and bluntly said, “What am I suppose to do? Tell her to stop coming around?” Mind you she has 3 other children who is constantly around them too. And, she had the nerve to say she wanted to watch my daughter and wanted the kids to be together.

I’m confused, and at this point tired of her and my child’s father because of this situation. Please help because I’m assuming things such like, are they still dealing with each other intimately? My child’s father and family went fishing and I didn’t go. Lo, and behold, she was there with her kids and he had the nerve to say, “Who else is going to do things like this for her kids?” WTH! I’m so confused. I never heard of or have been in a situation like this before. – Tired Of The Drama

Dear Ms. Tired Of The Drama,

HUH!?!?! Girl, you put yourself in this situation. Why are you confused and tired of the drama? Chile, I swear! The ratchedness is still alive and well, and replicating itself. SMDH!

You sat up here and wrote, “If I would have known that she was very close evidently to his family like that I wouldn’t have dealt with him for the simple reason I stated while dating him. I don’t do baby mothers because the men I’ve dealt with and who had baby mothers was full of drama. And, I avoided it at all cost, even leaving a couple of men alone because of that issue.”

Sooooooo, earlier in your letter when you stated that he told you that he had a child with another woman, uhm, please explain to me how were you blindsided?

You chose to lay with him, letting him run up in you raw dog, and you made the choice to continue sleeping with him even though you knew he had a baby’s mother. So, again, I ask how were you blindsided?

You said you don’t date men who have baby’s mothers, and that you don’t do baby’s mothers. So, if that was your moral gauge, and you had these standards of the type of men you would date, then I’m still confused of how you were blindsided?

But, you know what? You got exactly the very thing you didn’t want. You brought this very situation and circumstance into your own life. The thing you kept saying you didn’t want you focused on so intently that you actually brought it into your life. I am a firm believer that what you focus on will manifest in your life, be it good or bad!

But, even more so, you have to acknowledge the part you played in all of this. He told you upfront that he had a child. If you didn’t do, don’t do, and won’t do men who have baby’s mothers, then why did you allow yourself to remain in the relationship with him? Why didn’t you listen to your moral compass, or your values and standards that you created for yourself?

You are equally a part of this drama and situation. Own your part!

I do find it ironic that the baby momma drama you didn’t and don’t like, well, uhm, sweetie, you have become that very same type of baby momma. SMDH! The pot calling the kettle black.

You’re upset because he has both of you, his two baby mommas, coming over to his family’s house and the both of you are sitting up there looking at each other like Rin and Stimpy! Just two angry birds rolling their eyes at one another. LOL! But, what’s even funnier is that the other woman seems to be unbothered by you, and have come to accept her position in this matter. It’s you who has the problem. That’s why she said to you that she wanted to watch your child and wanted the kids to be together. And, she’s right. They are related. They are blood. They share the same father. So, what is the problem with your daughter getting to know her siblings? No, she doesn’t have to watch your child, but allowing them to get to know one another and play with each other doesn’t cause any harm.

So, all the temper tantrums, foot stomping, head rolling, teeth sucking, and neck popping that you’re doing, uhm, honey, your man is unbothered by it and has basically told you to get on board with the program, or get ghost! It’s obvious he is not going to tell her to stop coming over, and participating with his family. He appears to be a good dad to his other child, and to your child. So, he is letting you know that he is not going to get in the middle of any baby momma drama, and therefore, you either work it out, or you don’t.

I do wonder why she is there at the family gatherings instead of dropping off her child and leaving. If they’re not together, and you’re his woman, then why is she at the family gatherings, and hanging around? Perhaps he is telling her something or leading her to believe still exists between them. Or, maybe the family is inviting her, and she feels welcomed. Whatever the situation is you have to let your man know the boundaries of your relationship, and what you expect. If her presence makes uncomfortable, then he needs to know this, and he needs to let her know that you’re his woman, and she shouldn’t be at the family gatherings. Just drop off the child and leave. Or, maybe she’s like you and doesn’t want her child around you without her being there! Oops!

Besides, I get that you’re upset because you’re still together, and the other woman is around. However, she is and will always be around. He has a child with her. So, for the next 15 years, she will be around him and his family. And, now, you’re going to be around for the next 17 years. So, instead of asking what you should do, you should have thought about all of this before you laid with him and didn’t use any protection.

It’s time you put on your big girl panties, be an adult, and work it out. You can opt to exclude your child from the family gatherings, events, and special occasions, or you can go, keep the communication between you and her to a minimum, and don’t do the small talk. Don’t give her too much energy, or waste any time being mad over a situation that you’re all a part of. And, if decide that you don’t want your child around, then you are preventing your child from seeing her father. Just know it’s because you’re the one with the problem. You’re the one with the issue. You’re going to have to go along to get along. You don’t have to be her best friend, or her new Facebook friend, and confiding in her. Just be civil. You’re going to have to create this relationship, and work with the dynamics. Be the bigger woman. You be the smart, intelligent, and wise one in this situation. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

“LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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