I met my boyfriend of a year almost two years ago. For the first year we knew each other it was not serious.
I wanted more and he was fighting a relationship for a long time. He was not ready to be in a relationship and was not ready to settle down at that time. As we got closer and more serious, we had the discussion about not sleeping with other people, prior to actually becoming “official.” Once we were official and he was ready to commit to me things were wonderful, and I had no doubt that I was going to marry him.
I recently found out that he was sleeping with other girls prior to us becoming official, not long before though. One of which was just a one-time thing, and one was a girl he went to college with that he had a history with, she was also married. He claims he never cheated once we became official, but it was after we had the talk about not sleeping with other people. He lied about this particular female throughout our entire relationship because I had questioned why she texted him if she was married and he claimed they never slept together. They no longer speak, he has completely cut her off but finding this out has been completely devastating to me.
It’s two-fold. First the betrayal, I have no way of knowing the technicalities, if he truly did cheat when we were “official” or if he cut it off before that but he did continue texting her a few months into us becoming official because we would fight about it. Either way he betrayed my trust and lied to me about it for months and months about never sleeping with her. Second, he has always claimed marriage is very sacred to him. Not just a comment here or there, we have had many serious conversations about marriage and he states that he hates how nobody respects marriage anymore and marriage should be taken seriously…yet here he was having an affair.
Apparently this was a girl he slept with years before throughout her whole relationship and it just never stopped when she got married. It just makes me wonder if his values and morals are really what he claims them to be if he’s willing to sleep with a married woman and this makes me questions if he’s the type of man I want to marry. I know she would text him after we got together and try to see him but he would never do it…as far as I know but I never knew about the times he saw her before we were official either.
I’m not quite sure where to go from here, like I said since we’ve been together and gotten closer and he’s gotten to the point where his heart and mind were truly ready to be committed to me things have been wonderful. It’s just knowing that betrayal and his lack of morals that I can’t get out of my head. And if he can lie to my face about something like that what else can he lie about?
He told me he never slept with her and used her being married as an excuse for it not to bother me while he was sleeping with her the whole time. We obviously weren’t as close as a year ago as we are now but I would have had no idea that he ever saw her. I’ve lost a lot of trust, I’ve lost a lot of respect and I don’t know if I’m working on something worth it or if I’m settling for someone who possibly cheated on me with a married woman.
To him it’s something that was over a long time ago but to me it’s new since I’m just finding out. Since finding out it’s been in my head every day, I just don’t really know where to go from here. I love him very much and never finding this out I think I would be blissfully happy moving towards marriage as we speak. I’m not sure now if I should move forward or move on. – I Don’t Trust Him
Dear Ms. I Don’t Trust Him,
Uhm, and the wretchedness continues.
Why the hell would you remain in a relationship with a man you don’t trust? Someone please, please, please dear Lawd tell me why?
Like I say all the damn time, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first damn time.” He has shown you his true colors. He has shown you who he is.
Singer Lauryn Hill has a line in one of her songs and it goes, Every day people lie to God, what makes you think they won’t lie to you. Believe it, live by it, and don’t stray from it.
He has no morals or values. He is a boldfaced liar. He was sleeping with a married woman, yet he claims he upholds the sanctity of marriage. Get the “F” out of here with that bull-ish. If he was so morally conscious and full of values then he wouldn’t have been sleeping with a married woman! And, I don’t care how long they had been having sex prior to her getting married. If he respects marriage, then respect all marriages, not just the ones that are convenient for you! Homie is a walking contradiction.
Look here, stay in the relationship if you want to. But, do know this, he will cheat again. He will lie to you, again. He will have no problem of lying to you about it to your face because when you confronted him about the other woman, he lied to you to your face. And, he did it for a long while. Sure, you were not ‘official’ when he was sleeping with her, or so he says, and you have no way to verify it other than by his word. Now, if his word is all you have, and you don’t trust his word, and it holds no grain of salt, well, then, err, you already know what to do.
And, if you get married, just know that he will sleep with another woman, and of course she will be a single woman, and he’ll tell you some cocka-mamie story like, “She isn’t married. So, it’s not really cheating.” LMBAO!
And, why, oh why, do you women say, “I don’t know where to go from here?” after you’ve discovered your man lying to you, betraying your trust, and cheating with another woman? Look at your question, then read my statement following, and then you tell me how absurd and asinine you sound. The hell you mean, “I don’t know where to go from here?” How about to Stupidville!
Ms. I Don’t Trust Him, you don’t have a relationship. You are dating a man who is buying his time with you until he finds another naïve woman to rest his loins in, and then, like you, she will buy into his lies and drama and bull-ish about his views and opinions on marriage, and she’ll be hopeful and wishful that he will marry her because she can change him. Just like you’re doing now.
You can ask your man to go to couple’s counseling, and you can address these issues before you get married. You can let him know how he betrayed your trust, and how it made you feel that he lied to you about a woman he’d been sleeping with even after you questioned him about her. And, hopefully during these sessions you will get to hear him contradict himself about his values on marriage, and the sanctity of it, yet, he was sleeping with a married woman. Why didn’t he stop sleeping with her after she got married? Why didn’t he end their relationship if marriage is so sacred to him? Is it because he wasn’t married, so it didn’t matter? He wasn’t the one cheating, she was. You need to find out these things before you strongly consider marriage with him, or continuing the relationship. Because I’m certain there are some other things he may have a warped sense of values or morals regarding relationships, and/or what men can get away with versus what women can do in relationships. And, that’s some straight up bull-ish!
Look, and I’m keeping it real with you, no relationship can sustain or last if there is no trust. Like you said, “It’s been in my head every day.” Uhm, hmmmm, if it’s in your head every day, then guess what, you’re not happy. You’re not at peace. And, he doesn’t make you feel secure in your relationship. Now, you tell me if this a good place to be in your relationship after a year? I’ll wait while you contemplate that question. I know it’s going to take you a minute. But, while you’re thinking about that, if you have to ask the question if you think you should move on or move forward with him, then guess what boo boo, you don’t love him. Love doesn’t question or doubt. BOOM! BAM! POW! – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!