Dear Bossip: We’re Getting Engaged & Moving In Together, But The Social Media Sites Hinder Our Relationship
Posted on May 7th, 2013 - By Bossip Staff
Dear Bossip, I have been seeing a guy since February of last year and in October we finally decided to make it exclusive. It has been a relationship full with lots of ups and downs because we are polar opposites. Everything from how and where we were raised, to education, and et cetera. To put it in simple terms, he’s more of the street savvy guy while I am more of the spoiled girl who had an easy life. His different perspective and outlook is what made me interested in him. However, I realized that his outlook on relationships differ from mine as well. I feel so dumb in writing about this, but social media has become a venom in our relationship. When we first started dating, I did not have a Facebook account, I was going thru one of those temporary phases of privacy I would like to say. Probably weeks later, I opened a Facebook account, and we joked around about not adding each other as a friend. At that time our relationship was still so fresh, I didn’t mind. We went on a cruise, I posted pictures of us together, and let’s just say some people were slightly shocked that me and him were seeing each other. Like I said he is very different from what I dated. After seeing the photos, some people took it amongst themselves to reach out to me, and disclose his colorful history in regards to women. I told him about it, and we had a discussion of what I was told. I am not really into the he said/she said gossip, and I also believe that everyone does have a past, as long as it stays there. But I will admit that I felt a certain way about it.As we became more serious with one another, I suggested for us to become friends, and he was adamant in saying no. He used the excuse that Facebook brought a lot of friction between his last relationship so he vowed that the next relationship he will delete his Facebook. Mind you, I know a couple of the girls he messed around with in his past, and they were all his Facebook friends. Fast forward, he deleted his Facebook, however, I still had mine. He would casually mention I should delete my Facebook, but I was insistent in saying no. Now moving to the main issue, and unfortunately Facebook wasn’t the only social media site we argued about. Here comes along Instagram, same thing, but this time I never asked him about being a follower. I just requested to be one, and he threw a huge fit, and ended up deleting his IG. This behavior was beyond suspicious to me. But I eventually got over it. So, he did not have IG for a while, until he reopened his account in December. Mind you, he never told me he opened his IG again. I found out because a mutual friend followed him, and it popped up on my timeline. I was beyond livid. I brought it up to him and we just got into another argument. The whole point is according to him, I can follow him, however, he will not follow me because he does not want to see guys liking my pictures and etc. And, on top of that he will not put any pictures of us on IG because he likes his relationships to be private…but then again he has pictures of his son. Am I getting played here for a sucker? We are about to move in together, and we just started shopping for engagement rings (because I do not play roommates) but I cannot stop letting his rules of social media bother me. I feel beyond insecure when it comes to it and I always bring it up in arguments. I feel like why is he hiding me? I mean I know all his friends, all his family is following me and etc, but I can’t help but feel insecure. Should I believe his rules or do you think he is using IG for other purposes, like to be unfaithful? – Instagrammed Insecure Dear Ms. Instagrammed Insecure, SMDH! I can’t with you all and these damn social media sites. UGH!!!! They are truly the bane of relationships. People fight, argue, break-up, divorce, and do all crazy sorts of –ish because they won’t change their status to “in a relationship,” or, someone puts, “it’s complicated,” and you won’t add them or follow them. Just delete the damn –ish and stay off the computer! How about that?!?! Y’all are acting like you’re thirteen years old. I can’t believe that you’re moving in together, and talking about engagement, yet, you can’t even manage your social life together. He doesn’t want you following him on Facebook. He doesn’t want to follow you on Instagram because he doesn’t want to see other guys liking your pictures. And, he won’t put any pictures of you and him together on Instragram because he wants his relationship to remain private. Then, he is adding, and deleting accounts because you follow him, but then he secretly opens another one without your knowledge. (You’re out of your league) Uhm, sweetie, if you can’t see and smell the deception happening here, then that poor little spoiled girl routine of trying to date the bad savvy street smart guy will only leave you strung out on some hood street fighting other ratchet birds your man is sleeping with. He is internet community d**k, and you’re sharing him with the other ratchet birds who fell for his asinine bull-ish talking about, “I don’t want anyone to know about our relationship and I want to keep it private.” Uhm, hell to the naw! Why does he need to keep you private and hidden in the shadows? If you’re his woman, then he will be happy and proud to show the world that you are his woman. (You’re out of your league) These silly a** games are for the birds. And, I need for you to stop all that damn chirping. UGH! Girl, stop trying to be cute chirping through the hood, and get a freaking backbone. He doesn’t want you following each other on Facebook because he doesn’t want any of his other women to know about you! He doesn’t want to post any photos of you and him together on Instagram because his other women will find out he is cheating on them!! HELLO!!! You stated that your friends called you up and told you about his sordid past, and you knew he was from the streets, so did you not think him being a player would cease because he met you? (You’re out of your league) Girl, I can’t with you! I swear some of you can have everything staring you right in the face, and won’t see the damn STOP sign because all you see is, “But, I love him.” Your man keeps up this internet charade and games because it’s a place to keep all his women in one locale and place to remain in contact with. He creates accounts without your knowledge because he doesn’t want you knowing or discovering his dirt. If you’re shopping for engagement rings, then don’t you think he would be happy and proud to share that he found a woman he can settle down with? A woman he loves and wants to share with the world? Thus, he will end all other relationships and boldly post photos, status updates, and the like about your love! Girl, you can’t be this naïve. You can’t be!! (Chirp, chirp) You’re out of your league. Obviously, and it’s apparent to me that you are the naïve chick who is willing to put up with his antics and games. You are the one woman who is probably not like the other girls he runs through, but, you’re not quite the woman to settle him down because he doesn’t want anyone to know about you. Yes, you may know the family and friends, but he has created this illusion for you and painted this picture of him being ready to commit, however, his actions are clearly not those of a man who is ready to be a one woman man. (You’re out of your league) So, get into marriage counseling before you commit to marrying him, and before you move in together. If he hasn’t changed, or is willing to change his player ways, and if his views on relationships are still different from yours, then it’s time to move on. You don’t want to add a headache of social media into your life because you will find yourself snooping through his phone and computer searching for his screen names, anonymous accounts, and other things he will be hiding from you. And, then you’ll be trolling the streets chirping looking for your man at some other woman’s house. Either you both end your social media pages, and focus on one another, and your family and friends, or you have one account each, and you follow one another. But, either way, stop playing the role of spoiled naïve girl because it’s not cute or attractive. No one will feel sorry for you. Open your eyes to this movie playing out because we all know how it ends. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: firstname.lastname@example.org Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!