I am an avid Bossip reader and a reader of your advice column. I am new to the relationship department and could use your advice.
I met a guy online and we have been dating for the past three months. He says he loves me and buys me roses every two weeks. However, most of the time when we hang out I am the one footing the bill. He states that he lost his bank card and had been waiting for a replacement card in the mail. However, after several weeks of not receiving it he had to go into the bank. At that time, he learned that his account was ceased and no one would provide him with an explanation as to why he could not access his money. He also stated that he has since retained a lawyer to assist in the situation. He needed to borrow $500 to pay the lawyer and he asked for my assistance. Since I have been paying whenever we go out, I told him that I did not have the money. Anyhow, he claims that the situation is still ongoing.
He also claims to be working at a jewelry store. He states that his boss has not paid him in the past three months. He stated that his boss constantly states that he will get paid with every coming week but this has not happened. I asked him why have he not filed a complaint with the labor board, but he claims that if he does that his boss will terminate him. I don’t see this logic because he is basically working for free.
I also encouraged him to job search and offered to help him with his resume. He first stated that he couldn’t find his resume and since has stated that he found it, but has not had the time to e-mail it to me. I am not sure if he is being honest with me and whenever I bring up my concerns he claims that he is being 100% honest.
He has met my parents and is quite fond of them. However, every time I am supposed to meet his mom, something happens. The last two times it was that she was in the hospital. He constantly talks about wanting to get engaged and get married. I have told him several times that I will not get engaged or married unless his financial situation is stable because I am unwilling to financially support any able bodied man.
I do have feelings for this guy and if his financial situation was stable I could see myself being with him long term. However, I don’t know if I am being played. I don’t want to get hurt and I don’t want to waste my time. I would value any input you can offer. – Not A Bank
Dear Ms. Not A Bank,
Chile, guuuuuuurrrrrrrl, stop this –ish immediately and disconnect from this fool. Delete, delete, delete him out of your life. He’s a con artist, and you are his con!
The hell you paying for your dates and footing the bill?!?! That’s not how the game works, boo boo! But, this scheming mofo tried it and pulled a fast one. It’s time to check this wanna-be player’s moves and give him the, “Boy bye!” If you don’t want to get played, then stop playing! If you don’t want to get hurt or waste your time, then reflect on your letter, and the last three months. YOU THINK YOU HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. HOWEVER, HE IS NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. HE IS USING YOU FOR YOUR MONEY!
First his bank card goes missing. Then he has no access to his money because his account is ceased and no one will tell him why. (That is a lie! The bank is obligated to tell you why you have a hold on your account, or why it’s frozen). Then, he needs to borrow $500 from you to pay the lawyer whom he hired about his frozen account. He has a job at some jewelry store, but his boss has not paid him in three months. And, when you’re supposed to meet his mother, he has an excuse that she is, “in the hospital.” SMDH! They still use that line and get away with it? (On the real, he doesn’t want you to meet his mother because he isn’t trying to make you his woman).
Here’s the thing: 1.) He is broke! He is a bum! He is trifling! He’s a liar! He is a womanizer! Kick his a** to the curb! He is no good now, and will be no good for you tomorrow, or later in the future. Move on!
2.) Find out the name of the jewelry store and call them to see if he works there. DUH! That will end that little, “My boss hasn’t paid me in three months charade.” Besides, who the hell works for three months without getting paid? I know you don’t believe that. I truly don’t want to think you fell for that ole okey doke. But, let me ask you this: If after a month without pay, would you continue going to your job if your boss told you each week that they would pay you next week? Would you sit and wait for month two and three? (I’ll let you ponder on that).
3.) Ask him for the name of the lawyer he hired, and then get the contact number. Then, call the lawyer to see if he is representing him. Again, the unfolding of his lies will begin to crumble right before his eyes.
4.) Ask for the name of the hospital his mother is in. “Oh, your mother is sick. She is in the hospital? Which one? Where? I want to send her some flowers.” (Evil grin)
Look, honey, your womanly detective instincts better kick into high gear and you better get your, Mama-Ain’t-Raise-No-Fool sleuthing skills together. In the three months you’ve been with him he has fed you one lie after another. And, on top of it all he has no job and no money. Why are you wasting your time entertaining him? Why are you engaging in conversations and letting him feed you bull-ish about getting engaged or married? Ma’am, if he is lying to you now, he will lie to you again and again.
And, the reason he doesn’t send you his resume is because you will see the list of menial jobs he’s held, and the last time he’s had a job. DUH!!! Sending you his resume will put his a** on blast and you will see his whole entire employment history. HE DOESN’T HAVE AN EMPLOYMENT HISTORY!
Ma’am, be smart and follow your gut. Your instincts are on point so don’t disregard them. This man is using you. He is playing you, and you better get hip to his game. Don’t dish, dole, or hand any money over to this man, and stop footing the bill. As a matter of fact, to end all of this, the next time he invites you out to dinner I want you to get dolled up. Get fancy on his a**! Make sure you drive and meet him at the restaurant. Then, order yourself a wonderful appetizer, a couple glasses of wine, and a big dinner. Laugh. Flirt. Let him think he’s getting some at the end of the night. Then, as the evening winds down excuse yourself to go to the restroom, or to make a call. And, then you dash on his a**! Leave him sitting there and get in your car and hit it! Block his number, block his emails, and block him out of your life. This loser doesn’t deserve you! – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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