Dear Bossip: I Want To Get Married, So I Gave Him An Ultimatum Of Now Or Never And He Said Never

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Categories: Dear Bossip, Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Woman confronting man

Dear Bossip,

I recently read the article where the writer said, “He says he’s unhappy, but I can’t let him go, he’s my world.”

I’m struggling with what I fear is a similar issue. My boyfriend of two years says he loves me and wants to marry me and have children, but every time we discuss marriage he brings up problems and says he’s not happy. Finally, I put my foot down and gave the ultimatum, “now or never.” He chose never.

After discussing his choice he recanted and decided we should go to couples counseling. He is a good man and we are happy as long as we don’t discuss marriage. But, I want to be married and have another child! I have a son from a previous marriage and he treats my son like his own, worse my son is completely attached to him and when we temporarily broke things off my young son was in tears for days. We do have our problems, but everyone does. I don’t want to walk away because we have formed a family. I love him and he’s the only father my son knows, however I feel like I’m cheating myself out of the things I really want in life.

I’m too damn old to be somebody’s girlfriend! And my eggs are getting old too! I truly love him, but how do I know that he will EVER be ready to make a lifelong commitment. His longest relationship before me was 6 months and he is well over thirty years old. Do some men just never settle down? – Waiting To Be Married

Dear Ms. Waiting To Be Married,

Uhm, ma’am, if you read my response to the other advice article, and you say that you have a similar issue, then what is the problem? I’m failing to understand. Here we go with this damn madness, again! Chile, the tales of the desperate nagging girlfriend who thinks she is wifey material, but keep selling herself short by bending over backwards for a man, and spreading her legs, and making a home for him while he incessantly lets her know that he doesn’t want to get married and he’s unhappy in the relationship. And, her dumba** refuses to listen to him or hear what he’s saying because she is caught up in what she wants to hear and have in her life. Therefore, she’s that chicken running around the coup bawking up a storm. LMBAO!

Why do some of you women insistent on being with these men who harbor major issues and emotional baggage, and they don’t want to commit to you, and then they tell you that they don’t want to be married, and that they are not happy. WHY ARE YOU STICKING AROUND? WHAT ARE YOU HOPING WILL HAPPEN? You think he will wake up one day and recognize the great and awesome woman you are after all the time, money, energy, and resources you’ve invested in him? Yet, he’s not investing in you or the relationship. And, on top of it all, you move in together, play house, act like a family (all within a year’s time), and then you expect him to marry you when you are already acting like a married couple? What more is there to look forward to if you are giving him the milk, the cow, the land, and the damn farm?!?! You are damn hand maiden and don’t even know it.

Look here, sweetheart. Number one: The man has told you that he is not happy. Whatever issues or challenges he has that he is dealing with YOU CANNOT FIX THEM! He needs therapy and a psychiatrist to help him get to the root of his problems. Stop trying to be the girlfriend, woman, sex partner, maid, cook, therapist, and psychoanalyst. You cannot do it all!!!! That is not your job, so please stop trying to be all things for him. You can’t make him happy if he is not happy. And, if someone is unhappy and don’t love themselves, please, please, please understand that you cannot fix them, or make them love you if they don’t love themselves.

He’s offered to go to couples counseling, so why not go and work on the relationship. It will definitely get to the root of why he is unhappy, and why he said, “never,” when you demanded he marry you now or never. Yes, he recanted to make you happy, and not to disrupt his home situation, but the fact remains, he is unhappy, and he still said, “never.”

Number two: When you put your foot down and gave the ultimatum of “now or never,” and he said, “never.” Chile, I would have packed all his –ish and put his MoFo ass outside with his –ish and told him, “Well, take your never narrow ass on and live in never never land.”

Number three: Throughout your letter you keep stressing how YOU want to be married. YOU want more children. YOU want and want and want and want. Well, what about his needs? What does he want? It’s obvious you two are on separate pages in different books, and in different genres. You reading fairy tale books and he is reading science fiction. LMBAO! Get on the same damn page and start listening to one another.

I’m going to wrap this up and be done with you because it’s obvious you’re living in your own world and you want what you want without any regard to the bigger picture and seeing how forcing a man to be with you and marry you will ultimately lead to an even more dysfunctional and disastrous relationship. You said you feel as if you’re cheating yourself out of what you really want in life. You are absolutely correct. One hundred percent right. So, if you feel that you’re cheating yourself then why are you still there? Why are you waiting on a man who has made it abundantly clear that he doesn’t want to be married, his longest relationship prior to you was 6 months, he’s unhappy, and quite frankly you’ve made it comfortable for him to be where he is. If you’re too damn old to be someone’s girlfriend, and your eggs are getting old, then why are you still someone’s girlfriend? And, your eggs are about to rot, sweetheart. If he’s offered to go to couples counseling, then go. Work on the relationship, but please note that there will be some honest discoveries revealed, and he may say more than you can handle. Are you ready to hear the truth? Can you handle his choice of never getting married? Are you okay with being his girl forever, but not married? So, ponder those questions for a while and when you get the answers, hopefully you’ll be living with your son in your own place and working on healing yourself and moving on with your life. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

“LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Mogul     Hiding In Hip-Hop cover     Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

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