Dear Bossip: We’ve Been “Friends” For Two Years, But He Decided We Should Be Celibate & It’s Been 8 Months

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Categories: Dear Bossip, Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Woman unhappy in bed

Dear Bossip,

I have been “friends” with this man, “Monty,” for two years.

While we both admit we have very intense feelings for each other, Monty decided a few months ago that we should become celibate. Now, ever since I’ve known him he has never lied to me about anything. Monty has even told me about other women he has messed around with since we’ve started dating. He swears there is no one else and he doesn’t want me to walk away. Trust me, I have given him many chances to walk away.

While he has had a rough life and have been done wrong many times, sometimes, I wonder if it’s just that Monty is scared of being hurt or he just doesn’t care. See, I’m so confused. Sometimes he treats me like a queen and other days he acts like he could care less. And, if we were actually having sex I would say it was just about sex, but we have been celibate for eight months now.

Am I completely in love with Monty? YES! But, I wonder where all this is going. Does he love me? Does he just see me as a friend? Do I stay and continue to work on things, or do I just cut my loses and move on? Help! – Do I Move On

Dear Ms. Do I Move On,

So, let me get this straight:

1.)    You’ve been “friends” with Monty for two years and all of a sudden he ends the sex with you and says, “We should become celibate.”

2.)    Monty has messed with other women while you were dating.

3.)    He says there is no one else and he doesn’t want you to walk away.

4.)    Sometimes Monty treats you like a queen and other days he acts like he could care less.

Sounds to me like Monty never thought of you as a girlfriend or anything serious. You are the one who thought the situation was more than it actually was. You were a jump-off for two years. WHY? Why would you allow yourself to be someone else’s option? Why would you play yourself and allow yourself to be just a sex object? You were someplace to dump his seed, and you laid on your back and spread your legs for someone who only used you. He told you about the other women, yet, you continued to share community d**k, and all along you were developing feelings for him and being faithful to him as a jump-off. Yous a silly a**.

It seems like you are the one who caught feelings and decided to change the dynamics of the relationship. I mean, and let me get this correct, you wrote, “Do I love him? YES!” Girl, you stated, and in all caps, that you are in love with Monty, yet, you don’t know if he loves you. I’m going to go with, NO, he doesn’t love you. But, have you asked him? If you did and he says he’s not in love with you, then guess what, he’s not in love with you. But, I also come from the old school whereas if you have to ask if someone loves you, then chances are that they probably don’t.

Also, have you asked him if you two were ever a serious monogamous couple? Why am I asking you this question, you knew you were “just friends,” so, you were nothing more but a friend with extra benefits, just like the other women he was with, and now he’s taking a break.

Now, during this eight months of celibacy I can guarantee you that he is getting very clear about some things, and one thing is painfully clear, he got you feigning for the “D.” Let me ask you this sweetie: How could you possibly love someone when your entire relationship was nothing more but a sexual relationship? What do you know about him other than what position he likes, and where to let him skeet on you? And, of course he doesn’t want you to walk away, who is going to let their booty call go? He is keeping his options open, meaning you, just in case he decides he wants to start having sex again. Girl, BYE! You better keep your options open, too!

It pains me to hear people equate sex with love. Yes, ladies, many of you equate sex with love. You think if someone likes you, then of course they want to have sex with you. Sex does not define a relationship. Let me tell it to you straight, Sex is just sex. Any man will tell you that. Sex is not love. It doesn’t mean they are in love with you and want to be in a serious relationship with you. It doesn’t mean they want to marry you and have this fantasy life with you. IT IS JUST SEX!

And, then you wrote, “See, I’m so confused. Sometimes he treats me like a queen and other days he acts like he could care less.” All I’m going to say is this, “A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways.” You better ask somebody!

But, this is where I say that you are disillusioned and twisted about your situation with Monty. You are asking, “Do I stay and continue to work on things, or do I just cut my loses and move on?” GIRL! What are you working on? You don’t, didn’t, and couldn’t have had a relationship with him beyond sex! HELLO!!!!

I want you to ask Monty to define your relationship. Ask him if you’re in a relationship and if you’re his woman. Then, I want you to notice if in the two years you’ve been with him have you ever met any of his family members? Have you met any of his friends? Does he take you out on dates? Does he treat you to dinner, roses, and special gifts and trinkets? In those two years you’ve been together do you have a key to his home, or does he have a key to yours?

You see, boo boo, you’re so concerned about the celibacy and this eight month hiatus from sex that you’re focusing on the wrong thing. But, that is what d**k will do to you. Instead of questioning the dynamics of the relationship, and if this man has ever claimed you as his woman, you’re wondering when he’s going to lay the pipe again, or if he is laying it in someone else. He’s got you so disillusioned and confused that you can’t think straight because you think he’s afraid to commit due to his past. Bwahahahahahaha! What if Monty has another woman? Then what? What if he decides to move on? Then what? Yeah, you’re waiting on this man to decide the fate of this so-called relationship, that you put your life on hold. And, for what?

Girl, let’s move on. Are you a therapist? Are you a certified psychologist? Then, why are you trying to psychoanalyze his life and the rough life he’s had, and how he’s been hurt many times? Who hasn’t had some rough spots? Who hasn’t been hurt? What are you going to do, fix him? Listen, Ms. Do-I-Move-On, you better get him a list of reputable therapists who can help him resolve the issues from his past. That is not your job. You can stay and be of encouragement, and empowerment, but a relationship with him is out of the question. Yes, move on because as much as you may think you can change him, fix him, and repair him, and ma’am, you can’t. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

“LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
Mogul     Hiding In Hip-Hop cover     Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

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