I read all of your advice, and I love your candor, so hopefully you can give me some spot-on advice for this question!
I am a 32-year old corporate executive, and I have an apartment in Arkansas. About 8 months ago I accepted what I thought was a dream job on the east coast, and temporarily relocated there while I worked out the details of making a permanent move from Arkansas later.
The dream job turned out to be a total nightmare. It isn’t a company; it’s a temp staffing agency, and the “job” is a contract that can expire at any time, with no ability for advancement or growth, since it is only a contract. I had no idea about any of this at the time I agreed to work for them, and I left my job in Arkansas because I felt this would be a great way for me to advance my career and put this on my resume. It’s totally not.
In the midst of all this, I met the love of my life. We both work there, and it’s been going fine. He’s drama free, kid free and is very patient and kind. We’ve been dating for about 6 months, and I’ve met his family, he’s met mine, and we’ve discussed marriage. He, too, was duped when he came to work here, and he’s trying to find employment elsewhere, as am I. However, I still have my apartment in Arkansas because I realized very quickly this job was going nowhere, and it’s very difficult living on the east coast because everything is so expensive here. I have had to drastically alter my way of living that I’m accustomed to. I now live in a roach-infested attic apartment because anything more has me robbing Peter to pay Paul when it comes to my expenses.
My lease in Arkansas is up in November, and I’m seriously contemplating just cutting my losses here and going back to Arkansas and living my normal, stable, roach-free life there. However, I don’t want to potentially put a strain on my relationship with my boyfriend by throwing us into a long-distance relationship. Shacking is never an option for me, and I don’t want to be the bitter chick that moved for her man, it didn’t work out, and now she’s stuck in a city she hates and despises all men.
My boyfriend and I have spoken about this, and he understands completely. He has been looking for jobs in Arkansas so that we can stay together, and I have been looking for jobs here as well, but the jobs in my industry are very scarce, and it’s highly likely he’ll get a job here before I do (we work in two different industries). I have to make a decision by September, which is a little over 3 months away!!! By then we would have been dating 10 months. Do I stay and tough it out and focus on the relationship and try to forget that my life is miserable in every other way, or do I go back to Arkansas and try to work out a long-distance relationship? – Tired of Being Bi-Coastal
Dear Ms. Tired of Being Bi-Coastal
Chile, I swear. The things you folks do to yourselves is sad, comical, and a shame. Ma’am, you are miserable, unhappy, and frustrated because you choose to be. You made these choices and now you’re upset with the world, upset with the job you chose, hate the east coast and complaining how expensive it is all because you moved there and opted to keep your apartment in Arkansas and pay rent in two different locations.
I’m curious as to why are you paying rent in two different locations? Girl, you’re holding on to Arkansas, and trying to live on the east coast. Huh?? I’m confused as to why you’re making this more complicated than it really is. And, what type of income are you pulling in? Obviously not that damn much. Why would you pay rent in two different places, especially if you’re not living in Arkansas any longer? That doesn’t make any sense. And, it will totally explain why you’re struggling to live according to the accustomed lifestyle you’ve set up for yourself. You choose to live in a roach-infested attic apartment on the east coast. You don’t have to, but you do because you’re paying FULL RENT on an apartment in another state that you’re not even living in. WTF!!! I don’t understand you people sometimes.
You’re paying rent for an apartment you’re not living in Arkansas, and at the same time you’re trying to ball out on the east coast. Girl, really? Really! Does that make any logical sense? You mean to tell me that you couldn’t find someone to sublease your apartment in Arkansas? Or, you couldn’t get out of your lease early and focus your energy on the east coast? SMDH! I swear y’all make things more complicated than it really is.
So, for the past 6 months, you’ve been spending unnecessary money on a place that you’re not even occupying, but you’re living with roaches and living paycheck to paycheck, and barely able to feed yourself and do the things you really want to do because you’re holding on to an apartment that no one is living in? I CAN’T!!!
Now, you got a man whom you fell in love with, and you’re opting to choose between a man and your apartment in Arkansas? Bwahahahahaha. You’re complaining that the cost of living on the east coast is too much, however, it’s because you’re sending money to a rental agency in Arkansas for a place that no one is occupying. And, you’re complicating your life with this man, and wondering what to do because the easy fix to your situation is to either find someone to sublease your apartment, or get out of your lease early. You see how easy that is? Then, you can focus all your energies on one thing. If you’re trying to live on the east coast and in Arkansas at the same time, then guess what boo boo, it will make things complicated and difficult.
Choose one! Let go of one or the other. Let go of Arkansas, and your financial worries will be freed up. Your life will be less complicated. If you and this man are serious about one another, and you’re discussing marriage, and you’ve met one another’s families, then guess what, you can join forces, move in together, focus on searching for jobs/careers on the east coast, and be stress free of a financial burden that is causing you the stress. The east coast is not the problem, and yes, it is expensive, but of course it will be expensive if you’re paying to live in two different locations, and one of them you never occupy. Duh!!
And, if you really don’t want to shack up with him, then, again, let go of Arkansas and giving away money, and use the money to upgrade your living situation on the east coast. Continue to look for work, search other options in your field or in another field where your talents are transferrable, and I guarantee that it will relieve the stress of worrying about your finances.
It sounds like you have a good man, especially since he is understanding, and he is also looking for work in Arkansas. He really wants to make it work, and be with you. That is commendable. But, you’re going to drive that man away because I know you are constantly complaining about your life, your job, your living situation, and how you just don’t like any damn thing. Everything is an issue, problem, or challenge and in reality it is all because your finances is the root to the problems of your life, and you trying to paying rent in two different places. You are really frustrated with shelling out all this money, and unfortunately, you’re taking it out on everything else, including the east coast. Resolve the financial issue, and your life will change.
Talk with your boyfriend and express to him what you desire and really want. Explain to him that you’re not interested in shacking up, which I don’t understand, because if he finds a job in Arkansas then where will he live? I’m gathering he is going to move in with you until he finds a place. Right? So, why not move in with him while you’re on the east coast now? It will help both of you financially, and you both can focus your energies on your job search in both Arkansas and the east coast. Also, if you’re discussing marriage, then perhaps you can discuss a potential date/year of when you both would like to make that happen. And, if you hate the east coast that much, you can save money while living with him and when September comes you can go back to Arkansas. And, I say if he hasn’t found anything on the east coast by the end of the year, then perhaps he can join you in Arkansas. Don’t make this more complicated than it is. If you want to change your situation, then change your mind set, and stop paying rent in two different places. – Terrance Dean
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel
– June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop
– June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life
(Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!