I broke up with my ex well over a year ago; and we are both in our 40’s.
It wasn’t a messy break up; we basically drifted apart and went our separate ways. One of the reasons I started to drift away from him was that while he pursued me, he went above and beyond to get my attention and “make me his.” About 7 months after he “got” me, his efforts to “keep me” began to slack off to the point where I started to feel like perhaps he was seeing someone else. I didn’t really care about that, though, because by this point, I wanted
him to leave me alone (you’ll understand why in a minute), so I let the drifting apart continue and we eventually stopped contacting each other totally.
Well, lo and behold, he’s started calling/texting me again. After not responding back at first, I decided to say hi via text because honestly, he’s a nice guy, we had loads of fun together (except for the problem I’m about to mention) and I wouldn’t mind us hanging out on a platonic
level, but he wants more and here’s where the problem comes in.
During the time we were together, his sex was WACK. And I hate to say it like that, but it is what it is. When we talked before dating, I hadn’t been with anyone sexually in over a year, so by the time we had dated for about 2 months, my glands were ready to see if what he kept talking about in regard to his skills was true, and oh my goodness!!! It wasn’t
I tried introducing things into the mix–nothing freaky because I just wanted to see if he was at least good with the basics. He was fine with me showing him how to keep me “revved up”, but after that, I didn’t expect to have to show him all of
the time, but that’s what it turned into. Everything else between us was alright; not perfect, of course, but I couldn’t get past this issue right here because it seemed like the sex part of the relationship was more for his pleasure
and not for both
Now that he’s starting to bark up my tree again, I want to relay to him that we will not
be dating like that again and why. I’ve already expressed that I didn’t want to date him again, but along with repeated invitations to dinner and drinks that I keep declining, he keeps pushing me for a reason why I don’t want to date him again-which is totally understandable. But how in the world do I tell this man that he does not satisfy me sexually without crushing his ego? I don’t want to be mean; I just want a way to relay this to him without hurting his feelings; which may be too much to ask for. Any suggestions? – The Whole-Package-Seeker
Dear Ms. The Whole-Package-Seeker
Well, you gave it the good run the first time around. However, you drifted apart. He didn’t satisfy you sexually, and as you stated, “I wanted him to leave me alone.”
So, my question to you is if you wanted him to leave you alone, then why did you answer his text? Why did you start this communication up with him again? If you weren’t friends before you started dating, then why do you think you can be ‘platonic’ friends now? That doesn’t make sense. It was a 7-month relationship that fizzled out faster than it started.
Ma’am, don’t go back. He’s an ex for a reason. And, you’re smart and savvy enough to know why he’s an ex. So, stop entertaining him, and playing with this man! Ugh! But, the real Tee-Hee-Hee-Hee-Hee-Hee is that you like him chasing after you. You like him pursuing you, begging you, and running behind you. You are enjoying this attention because I’m sure he is the only man giving you any attention right about now. So, because you have nothing else to do, or better yet, you have no one else occupying your time and slaying your walls, you’re entertaining your ex!
Don’t play with me this morning! I’m not your ex. These little games of “I don’t want him and he keeps calling me, and I don’t know how to tell him that I don’t want to be with him because he didn’t satisfy me in the bedroom,” is all Bull-ish! You’re a grown a** 40-something year old woman. I am quite certain you know how to articulate with your Big Adult Words, and express yourself.
So, I want you to Stop it! Stop this behavior right now and grow the damn hell up! Because trust and believe, if you had a man in your life, you know, Mr. Total-Package, and he was blowing your back out, and servicing your every need, giving you the “D” in the morning and at night, you wouldn’t have time to be stringing your ex along. Your focus will be on Mr. Total-Package and looking forward to what new position, and how many orgasms he’ll be giving you. BOOM! BAM! POW!
Look here, your ex has not changed. The man he was in the relationship with you, he will be the same man as a platonic friend. BORING and GETTING ON YOUR NERVES! And, from what you’ve shared about him, he is repeating the same behaviors he did to get you the first time. He is chasing after you, wearing you down until you finally give in. You don’t see this pattern?!? HELLO!
Ma’am, you can’t be friends with this man. He will not be your friend. He is not interested in being friends. He wants to strike up a relationship with you again, and unfortunately you both left the relationship for various reasons, yet, you didn’t have any closure. So, with no proper closure, he figured it was an open door to return.
This is the opportunity to close the door for good, and be honest with him. I know you don’t want to hurt his feelings, and you don’t have to. Just be honest with him and say, “Look, you’re a great guy. You deserve to be with a woman who will love you and give you what you deserve. However, I am not that woman. I have needs, desires, and wants. Unfortunately, in our relationship I found that our sex life was not satisfying for me. I attempted to introduce you to various things, and ways of how to please me, and it was apparent that we were not sexually compatible. I think it’s best we simply part ways. I wish you the best.”
You see how easy that is? Instead of stringing this man along for another several months, playing with him, toying with him and giving him some hope of reconciliation, you just end it. If you don’t end this relationship, close this door, and move on, then unfortunately, Boo Boo, your Mr. Whole-Total-Package won’t be able to come into your life because you’re still holding on to Mr. Didn’t-Satisfy-Me. And, no man wants to enter into a woman’s life with another man lingering around in the margins. So, end it. Stop playing with him, and seeking his attention. Give him closure. Be honest and truthful with him and yourself. And move on! – Terrance Dean
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Nove
l (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop
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