Dear Bossip: I Learned My Man Was Texting My Cousin & I Ended The Relationship, But How Do I Get Closure From Her

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Categories: Dear Bossip, Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Black woman thinking (2)

Dear Bossip,

I was living with the father of my kids for four years. Last October I sensed something wasn’t right.

He was not happy to see me when I got home. All of our conversations were as though I was getting on his nerves. I happened to go through our phone bill and I saw all the text messages that were sent at night when I was sleep. I was upset. I found him talking to various females.

However, one of them was even more devastating as I recognized the number being sent to her from him. It broke my heart to find him texting my cousin most of all. The other girls I didn’t care about. But, no one hurt worse than my family.

This happened months ago, and we no longer live with each other. We talk but our conversations are due and limited to our children. My cousin and I aren’t talking and the family is divided. I tried reaching out to her. My question is do you think I should ask for an apology or do away with our relationship? The text messages between my cousin and my kid’s father happened for over a month only at night with pictures, messages, and all. Of course I know he would lie about what they were texting about.

I just don’t know how to handle the situation. I don’t know why I’m seeking closure to a bad situation especially from her? I did threaten her but at the time I was furious. I felt betrayed so now everyone sees me as trying to hurt her so again I’m left without closure. How do I get over this? – My Man and My Cousin

Dear Ms. My Man and My Cousin,

I’m sorry to hear what happened to you, and I’m sorry that you have children involved with this. But, the good thing is that he is not in your house (Thank you for putting his trifling a** out), he is now your ex, and the only communication you have to do with him is centered around your children. Bravo to you!

And, honestly, I don’t know why you want closure. You already got it! Why would you expect a man who is cheating to give you the reasons why he is doing so with your own cousin? You shouldn’t expect anything from him but to know that he is a low-down dirty dog, and a liar. I get that you have history with him, and that you have children with him. But, ma’am, he was cheating and sending texts, pictures, and messages to not only other women, but your cousin! HELLO! You don’t need closure, it was given to you the moment you discovered he was sending out text messages while you were asleep. The trust had been violated. And, once the trust is violated, and he’s cheating with other women, then it’s time to end the relationship. Especially with a family member! Uhm, bye-bye! (Waves with sinister grin)

You say that you are not upset and didn’t care about the other women! Sweetie, you should have been upset and cared he was cheating with other women. What if he would have brought home a disease? Would you have cared then? Ma’am, a man cheating with any woman is cause to leave the relationship. I don’t care who she is, and how long it’s been going on, LEAVE HIS A**!

And, for your cousin to be texting, sending messages, and pictures to your man is a No-No! That can be really hurtful knowing your own family is creeping with your man behind your back. And, I don’t understand how the family can be divided. Over what? Unless your family knows something you don’t. Were you and your cousin close? Did she feel any obligation to you? Did she know he was your man or did she meet him randomly on the street and he lied and told her something otherwise?

Regardless, you did the right thing. You put your ex out of your home, ended the relationship, and you only communicate about your children. That’s all you need to communicate with him about anyway. Don’t engage him with any other business about his personal life, and don’t let him engage you about anything related to your personal life. Don’t act interested now in what you’re doing and who you’re doing. If he was so interested in being committed and monogamous then he would have been faithful in the relationship with you.

In regards to your cousin, girl, there is no love lost. Why call her up and ask her for an apology? She should have been woman enough to call you up and ask you for an apology. But, the fact that she has not reached out to you, then she probably doesn’t feel as if she did anything wrong.

I do suggest that if she does reach out to you, then listen to what she has to say. If she apologizes you can accept it, and move on. It’s over, the situation is done, and it’s time to move on and keep healing. But, I don’t suggest that you become best friends and let her get close to you again. She’s shown you who she is. Just be cordial at family gatherings and events, and keep it moving.

I strongly urge you to do not allow the anger and hate to manifest. Don’t allow or give anyone that much power over you. When you hold on to anger and hate for someone over something they did, it gives them power over you because every time you see them, or hear their name you become upset and angry. You remember the situation all over again, and relive it every time. And, nine times out of ten they are probably not even thinking about it, and they have moved on from. So, forgive her and your ex. Forgive them both and thank them for the lesson. They taught you a lesson, and you can learn from it. And, one thing you can say is that your ex gave you some beautiful children, but he is not the man for you, and his behaviors and actions helped himself to eliminate himself out of your life. Now, you can focus on doing for you and your children, with him paying child support (Get his a** on child support), and now another man can come into your life who will love, honor, and support you. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

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author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
Mogul     Hiding In Hip-Hop cover    Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
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