Dear Bossip: We’re Officers Who Are Dating, But An Incident Happened With His Phone & I’m Not Sure I Can Trust Him

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Categories: Dear Bossip, Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Black police officers

Dear Bossip,

My boyfriend and I are both police officers. We work for the same department and also work the same shifts.

We met at work about a year and half ago and were attracted to each other instantly. We fooled around for about 9 months, and then finally made it official about 5 months ago. Our relationship has been amazing! He is hands down the best man I’ve ever been with. He’s established, mature, works hard, treats me like a queen and always respects me.

My issue is around the time we made it official a mutual male friend/co-worker made a comment to me that my boyfriend had dated a 911 operator, “Nisha,” for a short time during the last year. We hadn’t yet told anyone at work that it was official, so him telling me that wasn’t intended to break us up, it was just in general conversation.

Well, I asked my boyfriend about it and he said that they talked on the phone for a few weeks, but that she was “nuts” and he told her to stop calling him. I didn’t push the issue because I was seeing other people at that time, too. Okay, fast forward to last night. We are looking at his phone together and he’s flipping through windows, and a text convo comes up. It’s a convo with a contact named “dispatcher.” He quickly exited that before I could read the convo, but I asked him who dispatcher was. He FLIPPED OUT! First, he denied the texts existed, then he “couldn’t believe I went through his phone,” when he told me to look at it with him! Then, he says, “I ain’t got -ish to hide, you can look all through my phone,” while all the while he’s deleting the texts from “dispatcher!”

I’m not assuming he deleted them, I saw him do it because he didn’t have his phone turned away. So, I basically say he’s lying, and he says that he’s never had a woman question him about his phone and that he’s done with our relationship. So, I get up and start packing my stuff (we don’t live together but I do extended visits during our off days), and he starts apologizing and saying he didn’t mean it. Then he says that the text messages were to another 911 operator, “Shawna,” about something work related, but that he lied because he thought I’d think he was texting Nisha.

Well, after apologizing for telling me it’s over, he starts saying that he can’t believe I’d accuse him of cheating (which I didn’t), and that he’s “so hurt.” Then, he refuses to let me touch or kiss him and gives me the cold shoulder for the rest of the night. I want to believe him because we are together 24/7. I never see him on his phone. He’s given me his phone unlocked and left it around me so I feel like he’s not hiding anything, but I don’t know what to do! Help! – Officer Down In Love

Dear Ms. Officer Down In Love,

I swear I keep telling you folks about dating fellow co-workers, and these office romances. They never work! It is a disaster waiting to happen. You won’t be able to handle how it ends, you will have fellow co-workers forever in your business, and you have to worry about other co-workers they have dated/talked to/sexed/or sexted, and you don’t know how to leave the office “in the office,” and your home life “at home.”

But, you gon’ learn tuhday! Do not –ish where you work! Do not date your co-workers! Do not engage in intimate relationships with your co-workers! And, do not get caught up in who your co-workers are sleeping with in the office, what they are doing, and why they are doing it. But, you’re so damn hard-headed because you convince and say to yourselves, “They won’t do that to me.” Ma’am, he is doing it to you! SMDH!

Here is the problem: Your fellow co-worker told you about, “Nisha.” So, why didn’t your man tell you about Nisha? If your man is so amazing, great, and treats you like a queen, then he should have told you about his other office romances regardless if they talked on the phone, went on one date, or whatever they did. He should have told you so that you wouldn’t have to hear about it in office gossip. And, you wouldn’t have been shocked to hear the news from the beginning. You would have told your mutual friend, “Oh, yeah, he told me about Nisha a while back. I’m familiar with the details of the situation. So, you repeating it should end right here. There is no need for you to retell me the story.” BOOM! BAM! POW! But, again, that’s what happens when fellow co-workers feel they need to tell you something, and your boo hasn’t told you about their past.

Next, you’re sitting with him and going through his phone with him, and you see the text conversation with “dispatcher,” but he exists the screen and tries to make like you didn’t see it. Then, when you question him about it he flips out, he accuses you of going through his phone (yet, you’re going through the phone with him), and then deletes the texts while you are sitting there looking at him do it. Uhm, Mrs. Officer, he was caught red-handed. Why try to hide it? Why turn the situation on you and make you feel guilty for his indiscretion?

But, this is the tee-hee-hee-hee-hee, he lies to you and says that the text messages were to another dispatcher, “Shawna,” and he didn’t want you to think he was texting Nisha. Uhm, Mrs. Officer, my question is why is Shawna and Nisha both under the name “dispatcher?” Come on, honey, you’re an officer. Play detective and stop with the shenanigans. Put two and two together. I can’t believe you are on the streets arresting criminals and can catch them in a lie, but you can’t even catch your own man in a lie. Don’t let this heart game fool your common sense.

If he was texting Shawna, then why not have her name on his phone. Why is it under “dispatcher?” So, you mean to tell me that he gave Nisha and Shawna the same code name in his phone? Then, he gets upset, tells you the relationship is over because he can’t believe a woman is questioning him about his phone? And, he says that you are accusing him of cheating? Really? REALLY! Well, a guilty person will always yell, “I’m not cheating and I got nothing to hide when they are caught.” I’m just saying.

So, what you should have done is asked him to call “dispatcher” with you sitting there to verify it was Shawna. If it was work related, then he wouldn’t have anything to hide, right? Second, you should left his home and not attempted to kiss him and touch him. If he wants to give you the cold shoulder and make you feel guilty for his behavior and his lies, then bounce. If he is not guilty then why act childish and immature? Why apologize, yet, give you cold the shoulder and claim to be hurt? That doesn’t make sense.

But, this man who is mature, the best man you’ve ever had, respects you, treats you like a queen has admitted that he lied to you. Please put on your detective hat and stop playing rookie cop. If he lied once, he has and will do it again. Actually, he lied and never told you about Nisha (not telling you about her is just like lying). He lied to you to your face about his phone and the text convo. Therefore, he has no problem lying to you. He will do it again.

It’s time to have a heart-to-heart conversation with him. Ask him about his past relationships, office romances, and other women he’s been intimate with. Is he still in contact with any of them? It’s time to ask him about the status of your relationship and if it is monogamous? Is he serious about being in a long-term relationship? Do you plan to tell your fellow co-workers at the station?  And, finally, be vigilant about his erratic behavior. If every time something goes down with him and “accusations of cheating when he is caught,” and he turns it on you, then says the relationship is over, but he apologizes, and then he gives you the cold shoulder because he is sooooooo hurt, then just know that it’s his way of making you feel bad, and his way of making you feel guilty for accusing him. He’s hiding something. And, that’s just my detective insights. – Terrance Dean    

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

“LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
Mogul       Hiding In Hip-Hop cover      Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

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