I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for five years.
We moved out-of-state last year and we had got a place together. Everything was going good until a month within our lease being up he told me he wanted to break up, and within 6 months he will be moving out of town. He says he wants to see what it’s like to live life by himself now. Mind you, I helped him get on his feet and now he wants to be single, but also he’s sending mixed messages by saying little things here and there. But, when we have a conversation about us he then says well we are not in a relationship. He then says, “Oh, if u get a new boyfriend introduce us so I can meet him.” But, I’m not ready for a relationship because I’m still in love with him. What should I do? – Still In Love
Dear Ms. Still In Love,
WOW! I am so sorry to hear this. I’m sure it had to be devastating to be blindsided by the man you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life. You didn’t even see this coming, and BOOM! This man tells you that he is breaking up with you, and moving out-of-state. And, on top of that he said he wants to know what it’s like to be single and live on his own. Even after all you’ve done for him, including helping him get on his feet. So sad!
But, what can you do? You can’t make someone be with you if they don’t want to be with you. You can’t force someone to stay and be in a relationship they have already left. And, quite honestly, why would you want to be with someone who would up and leave you without any indication the relationship was going sour, and his only excuse is that he wants to experience what it’s like to be single and live by himself. WOW!
I’m sure you’re hurting, devastated, and confused. But, you have to pull it together, and get your head clear and be real with yourself. It’s time to start living your life without him, and slowly moving on without him. It is going to be hard, but you’ve got to do it. I mean why would you want to be with a man who would up and leave you without any indication or real reason? If he’ll do it now, just imagine if you’re married. He will one day wake up and tell you that he no longer wants to be married and will walk out on you and your children. This is not the type of man you should be investing in, nor the type of man you need in your life.
And, it’s unfortunate because I’m sure he built you up to believe that he appreciated all you did for him, he cherished you and your support, and he loved you, and he probably did. But, when you invest in a man, and giving him all of you and he is not giving you anything in return, then you have to take these things into consideration and consider that you are investing in a man who is not your husband. He is a boyfriend. And, investing in a boyfriend who is not discussing marriage, or a life together where you are working together as a team and he is investing in you and the relationship, then you will find yourself sitting all alone as he walks out the door.
Never put all your energy, time, and focus into someone who is not putting any energy, time, or focus on you. If they are not making you feel secure, and encouraging and inspiring you in the relationship, then you have to take inventory and ask yourself if the relationship is a one-way street with you doing all the work while they benefit. These are hard questions to ask yourself, and it takes looking at you and the relationship with honest eyes. Also, open and honest communication is key. Talk with your partner. Check in and find out where they are, what they are thinking, where they see the relationship going, and how you both can work at making the relationship better and stronger. Honest communication is always the best policy in a relationship. Never assume things are going well because you may find yourself doing all the investing while they are sitting back investing and plotting their departure. You’re something to do until they get on their feet.
So, tell your ex to stop calling you. Tell him do not reach out to you on email, social networking sites, and even texting to check in. If he wants to move on, then be gone! Leave! Stop checking in. Stop bothering you. And, stop coming in and out of your life. It’s obvious has moved on, but sending the mixed messages by saying little things is his way to see if there is a window or door of opportunity to come back. No ma’am! Close the damn door and lock it! Like most men, they play these games of saying slick –ish to see if you’re still strung out and stuck on them. It’s an ego boost. Don’t play into. You don’t have any children together, therefore, there is no reason you two should be in communication or working on anything. And, hell to the naw, you are not going to introduce him to any new man you meet. What the hell? He is really tripping. He just wants to see what type of guy you move on with and if he is better looking or if the guy is better than him. Girl, kick his a** to curb and tell him to go play in heavy traffic. Pull yourself together, get over your pity party, and begin to work on you. Take one day at a time, but keep yourself busy, hang out with your girlfriends, have spa days, go to church, and surround yourself with loving people who encourage you and support you. And, you know what, if you do get a new boyfriend and you ex inquires about him, then you tell your ex, “He’s a phenomenal and great guy. And, his d**k is bigger and better than yours.” – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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