Dear Bossip: I’ve Been The Side Chick For 8 Years & Now I Want More, But His Girlfriend Has Stage-4 Cancer

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Categories: Dear Bossip, Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Woman in bed with man

Dear Bossip,

I have been sleeping with this guy for 8 years! He has a girlfriend of 15 years at home!

I know he doesn’t sincerely love her because he always b****es about her. But, I think that when we first started this I was too young and still partying for him to take me serious! Now, we are 12 years apart and when the affair started neither of us had kids! Now, I have 1 child and he has 3 kids! I know what I got myself into isn’t right, but I can’t stop!

I think I love him and never have told him. To him it’s more sex and goofing around! I can’t stand when he goes days without talking to me or makes plans and flakes out. I feel so stupid! I have no idea what to do because I’m pretty sure we will never end up together. And, now it’s even more difficult because “she” was diagnosed with stage-4 breast cancer. Yet, here he is still carrying on what we have! Sometimes when I get mad at him I want to tell her everything! Please help me because I know this isn’t healthy! – Wanting More

Dear Ms. Wanting More,

You’ve been a jump-off, side chick, sideline ho for 8 years and you’re mad because he spends more time with his girlfriend of 15 years! You’re mad because he goes days without speaking to you, and he makes plans and flakes out?!? You’re mad because you feel stupid that you’ll never end up together, and you won’t walk away?!? You’re mad because his girlfriend has stage-4 breast cancer and you feel she is getting in the way of him spending time with you, and being there for you?!?

I truly can’t with you! I have no words! You have spent 8 years of your life as a man’s jump-off, sideline ho, and side chick when you could have been investing in yourself, your life, and your own career and education. Yet, you’re worried about some dude you’ve been spreading your legs for and letting him raw dog you (because I know you’re not using condoms with him). You’re not concerned about your health and well-being because if you were, then you wouldn’t be sleeping with him and the other man you had unprotected sex with and produced a child. Just like he produced 3 other children without you. Therefore you’re both having unprotected sex with each other, and other people. And, trust and believe you’re not the only other woman he’s having sex with. You may think you’re the only other chick, but you’re not!

So, you want me to tell you what to do because you know this is not healthy emotionally, mentally, and physically. Yet, you’ve made it plain and obvious in your letter that you have no plans on stopping because you’ve developed feelings for him, and feel you love him. But, how? How can you love someone who has made you an option? How can you love someone you never spend any time with other than to have sex? How can you love someone who doesn’t think more of you, nor does he want anything serious with you?

Your relationship with him is based on your own self-worth and self-esteem. You have none! You don’t think highly of yourself, nor do you demand anything better for yourself because you’ve settled for second, hell, you’re not even second in his life. You’re probably fifth or tenth. Yet, you allow yourself to hold this position in this man’s life because in your own life you don’t think you deserve anything better. So, you get what you got, and you will continue to get what you got. NOTHING!

How can you allow yourself to be used sexually for 8 years, lay with a man who doesn’t respect you, nor his own relationship with his girlfriend of 15 years? You have nothing to walk away with. Nothing! He has not put no investment in you. You have no financial gain, no personal gain, and you have not come up in any shape, form, or fashion. You’re just a piece of gush-gush to him, and you allow your body to be used. The things you women will do to, and for your body, and what you allow others to do to and for your bodies truly make me SMDH! You have no ownership or authority over your own body, and refuse to see yourself as a human with power, and authority of how others treat you.

And, his girlfriend has stage-4 cancer and you feel that you should tell her about you and he? Why? What will that prove? What will you get out of you? Because you’re mad he doesn’t show up when he says he will, flakes out on you, doesn’t speak to you in days, and because you’ve developed some feelings for him and he’s not reciprocating what you’re feeling. He doesn’t owe you anything! You’re not his woman. You’re not his girlfriend. You knew the situation going on, and continued to let this situation play out for 8 years! What claims, ownership, or demands can you place on this sexual relationship? Girl, please have several seats in the sideline ho seats!

What’s sad is that the woman is dealing with stage-4 cancer and you have no remorse, no compassion, and no moral decency to leave this relationship. Even, before knowing this, as a woman, why would you even allow yourself to be involved with a man who has a woman for 15 years, and you continue sleeping with him for 8 years? What does that say about you? And, if he is doing this to her, then trust and believe he will do the same thing to you. He doesn’t respect you, his girlfriend, or himself. He has no regard for anyone, not even including himself. He’s a low-life piece of scum who is cheating on his girlfriend as she is dealing with stage-4 cancer. That is very telling of a person, and their humanity. Why would you even think he is worth investing and spending any more time with? You’re both trifling and low-down.

Until you demand respect for yourself and your body, then no one will. Yes, it’s time to walk away from this man, move on with your life, and invest the next 8 seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, and years into yourself, career, education, and child. It’s time to ask yourself why you don’t respect yourself enough to demand more for yourself? Who hurt you? Who made you feel less than? Who told you that you were not enough? This spiritual inquest will help you get to the root of your issues, and why your self-esteem and self-worth is less than the cheap weave you wear. It’s time to think deeply, clear your head, do a spiritual cleanse and rid this man of yourself. You are spiritually bound to him sexually, and it’s not healthy. You cannot move on or create a new relationship with any man until you rid yourself of this man. I highly recommend checking out Juanita Bynum’s, “No More Sheets.” It will change your life. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

“LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
Mogul      Hiding In Hip-Hop cover     Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

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