Dear Bossip: My Man Has A Drinking Problem & He Curses Me Out & Doesn't Remember Anything

Dear Bossip,

I have some issues with my younger boyfriend. Ok here goes:

I am 34 years old and my boyfriend of 5 ½ months is 26 years old. Recently, it has come to light he has a drinking problem. When we first met we would chill and have a few drinks together and it was cool. No problems, none of that. Well, all that changed in the last 2 months. Mind you that at 26 years old he is doing alright for himself compared to other dudes. He works full-time, has his own place, and takes care of the 2 kids he has on a regular basis.

Now, with that being said here is the problem: Every day after work he gets drunk. And, after he finishes drinking he will call and come over and when he gets to my house he is very disrespectful to me. He has called me names (bish), u know the one name that will get you cut, LOL. He likes to say I don’t do -ish for him, and the things he does for me he says I don’t appreciate it. And, the list goes on.

Now, the kicker is the next day when he sobers up and I am mad at him he ALWAYS wonders why and says he doesn’t remember any of it and apologizes. Now, my problem is I don’t know what to do because I like him a lot, and when he is sober everything is good. I don’t know if I should stick around and try to help him, or should I say “F” it and keep it moving. Please help me on how to handle this situation. I really do like him and want to work on it and see where things go, but I’m not the one to sit back and just allow a man to talk crazy to me and take it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. – Loving A Drunk Youngster

Dear Ms. Loving A Drunk Youngster,

SMDH! Ma’am, please get out of this relationship IMMEDIATELY! Do not wait, do not hold out, and do not stick around thinking you can change him, help him, or “like” him through his addiction. He has an addiction problem, and you cannot fix him. Point blank! And, I don’t care if he has a job, his own place, and takes care of his two kids, he is what you will call a functioning alcoholic. He will remain in denial because if he can do all of this and take care of things and still go to work, then he doesn’t think or feel he has a problem. PLEASE GET OUT!

I’m curious as to what is there to work on? He’s an alcoholic who is in denial about his drinking problem. What can you work on? And, what do you mean you don’t know what to do because you like him? Ma’am, it’s been nearly six months and this man has already shown you who he is. Get the “F” out of the relationship! HELLO!  You know what, since you playing dumb and don’t know what to do, how about you go to the corner liquor store and pick up an alcoholic and take him home and start a relationship with him. Ain’t no difference between your man and the corner liquor store man. Stop justifying his –ish!

And, why stick around? He calls you out of your name, he’s been drunk during the entire relationship, he doesn’t remember what he does after his binge drinking, and I’m sure he doesn’t even remember most of the sex you’ve had, or most of the things you’ve discussed or talked about in regards to your relationship. He’s not even coherent. So, please help me to understand what is there to work on, why are you still there, and why are you putting up with this?

UGH! I don’t understand how you claim that you don’t sit back and just allow a man to talk crazy to you and take it. Yet, you’re doing it! And, then you claim when he calls you out of your name and calls you a bish, that it is the one thing that will get someone cut. Yet, you put LOL after the statement. What’s funny about a man who gets so inebriated that he curses you out, tells you what you don’t do for him, and how you don’t appreciate him, and lord knows what else he says, and you are still sitting up there pouting with your arms folded mad at him the next day because he doesn’t remember? Girl, I can’t!

Did you really read your own letter and see what you wrote? Did you take the time to reflect on your situation and say to yourself, “You know what, this man is a drunk. He is an alcoholic. He berates me. He demeans me. He makes me feel like –ish. He even calls me out of my name. What is healthy about this? What woman in her right mind would sit back and let a man treat her like this? What woman would feel so low that she would not muster the courage to get out of an unhealthy situation knowing and seeing the signs of someone who is abusive and has a drinking problem?”

Look here, you cannot help someone who does not want to help their own self. If he doesn’t recognize he has a problem, then there is nothing you can do. You cannot make him go to AA, or any drinking rehab unless he first acknowledges he has a drinking problem. And, even then it will be a life-long ongoing treatment for him. Regardless of how much you like him, it is not your problem, and it is not up to you to stick around to see him through it. He has to do the work, and heal himself. If he doesn’t see anything wrong with what he is doing, then please do not stick around waiting on him to see he has a problem.

Besides, he doesn’t respect or love himself because I can only imagine that if he is drinking to the point of blacking out and not remembering what happened the day before, then I don’t know how he can care for his two children, and he is left alone with them. He is putting his children at danger, which should tell you that he does not care about anyone, and he is selfish. He would put everyone else’s life at danger with his drinking. What happens when you are out and he is driving? What then? What happens when he begins to berate you in public, or embarrass himself, then what? What happens when he becomes physically, then what? I strongly urge you to get out of the relationship today.

And, I want you to do some soul searching and look within yourself to get to the core of why you choose to stay in this relationship. Knowing what you know, what you have experienced, and why you allow someone to treat you this way, then what does this say about you? How low is your self-esteem, and why are you allowing this to go on? Also, stop thinking you can fix him, or help him. YOU CAN’T!!! Again, why are you letting this go on and allowing this man to talk to you crazy, any kind of way, and show little respect to you? Answer those questions and then hopefully you will be able to muster the little strength you have, and the little dignity you have to walk away and leave the drunkard on the sidewalk where you found him. – Terrance Dean