Dear Bossip: Do I Save My Relationship, Or Do I Struggle To Save It & Scrounge To Feed My Daughter?

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Categories: Dear Bossip, Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Counting Change

Dear Bossip,

I’m at the end of my wits and don’t know what to do.

My boyfriend and I have been dating since the end of May 2009. We don’t have any kids (and don’t plan on none anytime soon) and we’re not engaged in any kind of way either. So, I’m simply asking is a relationship ever too thin to step out of?

I’ve suck with him through it all, lost jobs, homelessness, drug addictions, and we’re still headed in a down ward spiral. I’ve done everything to keep him, but he has done nothing to help. I’m afraid if I let him know how I really feel it would just crush him. He tells me he has nowhere to go, so I moved him in with me which is about 80 miles from his hometown so he can have a place to live. I’ve never been one to be with someone just out of security. I just don’t know how to manage anything anymore.

I also have a 15-year old daughter that I’ve raised on my own with no help from anyone. So, my funds sometime are not enough. What do I do? Should I turn my back on the person that I love simply because I can’t afford it? Or, stay in this relationship and scrounge around for change just to make sure my daughter gets fed.

He’s also been through so much in his life like losing his mother, then his brother a couple of years after that. So, he’s always so sad and depressed, and he wakes up in cold sweats from nightmares almost every night. I personally was brought up in a broken home. My mother abandoned me. Family friends would touch me when I was just a child. I had my daughter when I was 14-years old, and I’m also a recovering alcoholic. I haven’t drank in 12 years. But, I never speak on my past to him so he thinks he’s had it harder than me.

He makes me feel so sorry for him, and it kills me inside. So, now I feel like I’m stuck in this relationship out of pity. I don’t have the heart to let him know, but as days go by my hole just keeps getting deeper and deeper.  Please help me because I can no longer breathe. – Need To Exhale

Dear Ms. Need To Exhale,

I truly don’t understand how you can be in a relationship with someone for over four years and he doesn’t know about your past? Huh?!? You mean to tell me that you’re dating a man and he has no idea who you are, what you’ve been through, or your sobriety? WOW! Then, why be with someone and you can’t be who you are, or reveal who you are to your mate? And, why are you comparing who has it harder than whom? Yeah, I celebrate with you that you’re sober, and 12 years of sobriety is something to be proud of, but, if your mate is not aware of what you’ve been through, or about your sobriety, then how can he know if something will set you off, or why you don’t drink? (Blank stare at you!)

I swear you people and your secrets and wanting to hide your past from folks is just as dumb as hell! And, then you get into relationships and can’t be honest and truthful about anything, therefore, it explains why you can’t communicate and be honest. You’re so busy hiding, ducking and dodging, that you build a false sense of reality of who you are, and the entire relationship is a lie.

So, sweetie, your relationship is a bunch of lies. It’s not real. It’s not authentic. And, it’s because you harbor a lot of secrets. You won’t be honest with the man you moved into your home about your feelings, desires, and needs. Therefore, you resent him. You resent the relationship. And, you’re in this predicament because of your own doing and unwillingness to be honest. Therefore, you will feel overwhelmed, unable to breathe, and as if you’re drowning. Be honest with yourself, and with him, and you can end all of this today. If you just exhale and breathe, releasing it all, it will be over in a matter of minutes, even seconds.

So, let’s re-evaluate your situation:

Mistake number one: You said that you’ve done everything to keep him. But, ma’am, he’s done nothing to keep you! I don’t understand why you women will remain in relationships with men who do nothing for you, make no effort to keep you, or even go the distance to work on keeping you. They are not making you happy, empowering you, inspiring you, lifting you up, and making you feel needed, worthy, loved, and appreciated. You’re tired, drained, upset, angry, overwhelmed, depreciated, and defeated. While you are building him up, making him better, helping him to get on his feet, you are being dragged down being used and abused. So, sweetie, your mistake is making him a priority in your life, and you’re an option in his.

Mistake number two: You’re afraid if you tell him how you really feel it will crush him. Well, guess what, he will get over it and life will continue. If you’re not honest with him, and the communication in your relationship is not built on being completely honest and truthful with one another, then what type of relationship do you really have? Why be with someone and you can’t be honest with them? If you can’t communicate and talk with your boyfriend about your feelings, and express how you feel, then you don’t have a relationship. You are tolerating him. You are harboring a homeless man in your home with whom you have no connection with.

Mistake number three: Moving a man into your home, and he has no job, no ambition, no motivation, and not contributing to the home. HE HAS GOT TO GO, TUHDAY!!! Never should have moved him in the first place. But, uhm, look here, if his family, friends, and other loved ones refuse to step in and help him, then that should you give you an indication that they are tired and fed up with his antics. I always look at indicators of a person’s close-knit circle of supporters, friends, and family. If they are not in that person’s life encouraging them, empowering them, and being supportive, then it lets me know that the person is someone who is unreliable, unpredictable, and unwilling to change their own life. Therefore, I’m not investing in someone, moving them in, and letting them live off me, and neither should you. Yes, he’s your boyfriend, but you’re not his wife, or mother. He needs to be a man, get off his a**, get a job and help contribute to the household. A man who doesn’t work, does not eat! Point blank!

Mistake number four: Never choose a man over your own child! I don’t care who he is! If your wherewithal, well-being, and livelihood depends on feeding  and caring for your child/ren, or a man, always, always, ALWAYS choose you and your child. Never make your child an option to some man you’re dating. Girl, you’ve got the game real “F’d” up if you’re living the struggle life because of some man who has no place to go, and you feel obligated to him because you’re dating him. Miss me with that! You better get your priorities together, and in order. Turn to your neighbor and say, “And, in that order!”

Mistake number five: Former addicts, victims, and abused persons always bond with other addicts, victims, and abused people. You know the pain, agony, and hurt they are dealing with, therefore, you feel you need to reach out and help them. You want to be there for them because you were once there. Uhm, that cycle only keeps you in bondage, and in a cycle of repeating patterns of abuse, victimization, and addiction. It’s time to start opening your dating pool of available men who are not former addicts, victims, and abused persons. How about men who are about love, from loving environments, loving and supportive family and friends, and can demonstrate love and support to you? Let go of the victim mentality and you will release and free yourself of being a victim in your own relationship.

Resolution: It’s time for him to go. You can’t save him. He has problems and issues bigger than you can handle. You’re not his therapist, or mother. Keeping him in your home is only enabling him. You do for him, go above and beyond for him, and, yet he is only taking from you. He is a spiritual vampire. And, once he gets on his feet he will leave you, and you will be depleted, lifeless, angry, and bitter. So, before he can suck anymore life out of you, get him out of yours. Also, if you keep taking care of him, and putting him over your daughter’s well-being, she will grow to resent you, and your relationship with her will turn tumultuous. Again, never choose a man over your own child. That –ish is ridiculous. And, you say that you’re not one to be with someone just for security. Girl, stop it. So, sweetie, please explain to me why is he there? Ole’ thirsty a** women. Talkin’ ‘bout do I stay in the relationship and scrounge for change to feed my daughter. Please go away! Get him out of your home, rebuild yourself, and move on from this relationship. It’s not healthy. You’re not honest with him, and he’s just using you. And, you’re already deciding between feeding your daughter and saving a relationship. Girl, good bye! – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

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author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
Mogul      Hiding In Hip-Hop cover       Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
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