I’m about to be a sophomore in college, and let’s just say I had a pretty wild freshman year.
Growing up I was considered an ugly duckling versus my sister. And, in high school I blossomed somewhat, but, yet I stuck to my morals my parents instilled in me and never really engaged in dating because my parents never allowed it. Yet, once I went to college everything went out the window for me.
For starters, I was in a new environment. I grew up in a predominately white area so the only few black guys my age weren’t too special for my taste. I tried something with one guy but I was too prude because of my parents.
Once I arrived in college at an HBCU it was definitely a different atmosphere for me. I am only attracted to black men and I didn’t realize how attractive I was to black men. And, with no experience with guys college created a horrible route for me.
A lot of people would comment on my beauty and the guys were definitely on me especially the seniors and frat boys. I had never received so much attention from the opposite sex, so I will admit that I liked it a lot at first. My third week there I went to a party and got really drunk and one guy took my number we made out but that was it. I was so happy I was receiving attention so my first time hanging out with him I let him take my virginity! I let him manipulate me. He made me think he would be my boyfriend after. It was pretty dumb on my part but part of me wanted to fit in with everyone else because all my new friends weren’t virgins and back home all my white friends had already lost it to boys back home. Also, I have never experienced a guy acting so sincere and real I believed him and let him take it. But, I know that still isn’t any excuse.
It gets even worse. I started having sex with guys I’ll only “talk” to for two weeks. It got so bad I would hook up with two guys I had relations with already in one week just to feel love and affection. I never thought I would be this girl. I use to be so against having sex, but I guess I was never put in a situation where I am alone with a guy. And, I let that boy take away my most prized possession a woman has. I can’t even tell my sister and close girlfriends because they will be totally shocked. I’m at a point now where sex is nothing to me. And, sometimes I have sex with this one boy I am talking to currently with no protection and I am scared I might be pregnant. I always told myself I will never engage in that, but here I am having men play with my mind and body.
I’m not even looking forward to my second year because I feel so low about myself and I can’t even face the 6 guys I have had sexual relations with my first year. All the regret and guilt is hitting me so hard. I don’t know what to do. – Lost and Confused
Dear Ms. Lost and Confused,
I try to tell you folks all the time that d**k is addictive. It’s a dangerous drug and will have you strung out, feigning, and unable to shake its affects. Once you get hooked on it, it’s hard to wean yourself off it. (Where’s my holy oil so I can douse you in it.)
But, look here sweetie, this is what I want you to do. I need for you to stop beating yourself up, pull yourself together, and seek someone out to speak with about what you’re dealing with in order to get to the root of the real issue. The bottom line, and core question is why are you allowing yourself to equate sex with love and affection? Look at the real issue which is that for years you felt like the ugly duckling, and no one paid any attention to you, therefore, you probably told yourself that you’re unattractive and no one wanted you. And, in order to get any attention or love it must be based on looks and your outer appearance. That is false. That is not real.
Your beauty is not attached to how someone feels about you. That is superficial. The physical attraction is only that, just a physical attraction. You are much more than the physical. You’re smart, intelligent, and have so much going for you. You’re a thinker, a brilliant mind who can think rationally and logically. Stop telling yourself that you’re ugly, and no one wants you. That is a lie. You keep equating love and this attention with sex, and that they must like you, or are attracted to you. Uhm, honey, most men will dip their d**k in anything moving. It has nothing to do with looks. They just want sex, and you’re in the right prime age of hormone raging boys who just want nothing more than sex.
Your parents provided you with morals and values to grow into a woman with standards, pride, and ethics about yourself. Use those gifts and words of wisdom in each instance you come into contact with any man. Because trust and believe, most young men on college campuses will say and do anything to get into a girl’s pants, because just like you, many of them are virgins, or playing the “player” role. When in actuality they are experimenting just like you. They don’t know what the hell they are doing. And, they are only using you, and telling you what they think you want to hear. Hell, many of them have probably never been around so many women in one place that they don’t know what to do with themselves. They are just on the prowl. Chasing every tail they see. And, honey, you know better than this, so I’m going to need for you stop acting like the junior high and high school little girl, and you need to put on your college woman thinking hat and make better rational choices.
Now, don’t let these young boys have that much power of you that you won’t return to school. Girl, you better take your behind back to school, and walk across that campus like you are the last Diva! Make this year the year of your growth and maturity. Leave your freshman year in the past, because, Ms. Honey trust me, we’ve all did things our freshmen year, and throughout our college years that we regret. But, you move past it, you grow, you learn, and you become better because of those experiences.
And, don’t pay any attention to those guys. If they are not about anything, doing anything, or about their school work, then keep it moving. Hell, they probably won’t return because of poor grades, or who knows what else. Don’t let them, or their presence prevent you from your education. Don’t ever give that much power over to anyone. They are little a** boys learning about life just as you are. So, get your dignity, your self-esteem, and your self-worth, and you dust yourself off and focus on your grades, classes, and find some on-campus activities, clubs, or sports to involve yourself with. If you busy yourself with other things, then you won’t have to time to be consumed by those little boys and their silly antics.
So, get back into school. And, if you don’t feel comfortable talking with your sister or friends, then locate the campus counselor/therapist, or the person who is responsible for student life. Ask to speak with them privately and let them know what is going on, and how you are feeling. They are there to help you navigate college life, and to get past these hurdles and obstacles. Also, many schools have on-campus and off-campus medical and psychological services, and you can access those for free because you are covered under the school’s medical insurance, which you are paying for as part of your tuition. Seek help, and stop holding and harboring these feelings inside. You need someone to speak with, so speak up and get the help.
Remember, you don’t have to do this alone. There is help for you, and you can do this. And, I strongly suggest you take a pregnancy test to find out if you’re pregnant. And, if you’re not, then I’m going to come to your campus and knock some damn sense in your damn head. The hell is wrong with you. Always, always, always use protection. You don’t know these boys, and you don’t know whom else they are sleeping with. College campuses are infested with sexually transmitted diseases. So, think of that the next time you open your legs for him, or some boy and you don’t have protection.
The next letter I get from you better be that you are in school, and focused on your courses, and grades. And, you’ve gotten yourself involved with school activities, clubs, or organizations. Also, you’re talking with someone on campus about what you’re experiencing and feeling. Because now you are better, wiser, and smarter. You have the morals and values your parents instilled in you, and the young woman you were in your freshman year was just lost and naïve. You know better. You are stronger. And, you are not enamored by what those little boys are saying to you, unless they are talking about the course work, making good grades, what their plans after school, and that they are about something other than chasing girls across campus. Pull it together, and learn from this experience. – Terrance Dean
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