Dear Bossip: I’m Transgender & Married, But My Wife Lies & It Angers Me & Now We’re Separated

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Categories: Dear Bossip, Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

black lesbian women

Dear Bossip,

Thanks for responding to my email. Here’s my question, taking a deep breath.

Ok. I’m transgender. Although, I really hate labels because in my heart and spirit I’m a man biologically, however, I was born female. I live as the man I am.

I don’t know if you believe in fate or not; but five months ago a blessing came into my life in the form of a beautiful black queen. A friend who I hadn’t seen in years happened to be in the grocery store at the exact same time as I. We parted on bad terms, but I’m not the type to hold grudges. We exchanged numbers and a few days later she told me she had a co-worker she wanted to fix me up with. At first I was apprehensive because she said she was a lesbian. I only try and date straight women. I always have been upfront about me and dating straight women. I have dated two lesbians, but they turned out to be stalkers and I had to get restraining order.

I told my friend I’d meet her friend. So, a couple of days later I called and we talked for hours. She asked if I wanted to meet and I went to her job. Terrance, when I say my heart felt like it hit the ground. She was stunning, not just in a physical sense, but her aura was amazing. Before leaving I pulled her to me and kissed her goodbye. Now that’s something I’ve never ever done.

Okay, let’s fast forward. She ended up moving in with me due to her breaking it off with her ex who was abusing her. I told her I didn’t believe in shacking up and if we were going to live together there couldn’t be any sex. Well, that lasted two weeks. LOL.

Here comes the storm. I found out she’d been flirting with two co-workers. When I confronted her about it and told her that I found out, I learned that she had a big lying problem. I got upset and threw her bags and put her out. The next day she apologized and came back. But, her constant lying was driving me crazy. I gave her an ultimatum: either stop lying or leave. When I got home she’d left.  Once again, I became enraged and threw away all of her kid’s things she’d left behind. We talked and she said she would work on her lying. So, yes I allowed her to come home.

Months passed and I asked her to marry me in front of her grandmother. We got married and things we wonderful. Until once again another lie. I went to her job to take her lunch. I found out she lied about our picture being on her desk. I left and went home and turned off my phone. She called and called, but I didn’t answer. It was time for her to get off work, but I refused to pick her up, and leaving her stranded. Hours later the police come, but I don’t open the door for her or them. I get enraged again and destroy all her things.

Now, it’s going on two months and we’ve been separated. Terrance, I realize that I do have anger and trust issues, which I’m in counseling for. This situation has also brought me back to a deeper relationship with Christ. I know we rushed into things, but I truly love her unconditionally. She hasn’t filed for divorce but she won’t communicate with me. Please tell me what I should do. Since she’s been gone I still wear my ring and haven’t slept nor dated anyone. – Her Lies And My Anger

Dear Mr. Her Lies And My Anger,

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Let me get this straight (No pun intended). You’re transgendered. You were born a woman, but you feel that you are biologically a man, and you live your life as a man. So, you haven’t had the surgery yet, but, you’re living your life as a man because you feel you’re a man trapped in a woman’s body? Right! Okay, I got that part.

Now, let me get this straight (Again, no pun intended):  You only date heterosexual women. You do not date lesbian women. But, I guess I’m confused in that you only date heterosexual women, and you’re a woman who lives her life as a man, but, wouldn’t that make the heterosexual women actually lesbians? I mean they are still sleeping with a woman, because you haven’t had the physical change into a man. I’m just asking. I’m sure it will make sense to me as I continue to ponder this.

Anyway, a friend introduces you to her friend, who is a lesbian, and despite your better judgment, and knowing you don’t date lesbians, you decide to meet her friend (Mistake number 1).

Then, while she was seeing you she was already in a relationship, but was breaking it off because it was abusive, and she moved in with you (Mistake number 2).

You make a pact/contract/deal that you wouldn’t shack up and be having sex, but it only lasted two weeks of that pact/contract/deal (Mistake number 3).

You then discover that she has been flirting with co-workers and that she has a problem being truthful and honest with the truth (Mistake number 4).

You throw her things out, she moves back in, the lies continue, you throw her and her kid’s things out, you talk, she agrees to work on her lying, she moves back in, months go by, you decide to ask her to marry you, but the lies continue because she lied about your picture being on her desk, and here we are again with you throwing her things out, but this time you destroyed her things, and she’s gone, again. Whew! This is too much damn drama! I’m over it, you, and this situation.

I purposely did this in this manner because I wanted you to see the problem and pattern in this relationship. First, you are not a person of your word, therefore, you attracted the very type of person you are. You lied to yourself, and you’re not honest and truthful with yourself. Ultimately, you met the same type of person. A liar. So, in your counseling sessions why are you not addressing the real root of your problems which are your anger and trust issues begin with you! You are the catalyst for these issues, and until you recognize and address these then you don’t need to be in a relationship with someone else. Work on you first!

Look here, the problem is that you lied to yourself and were not honest and truthful with yourself when you said that you only date heterosexual women because of past issues with lesbian women. So, when a friend told you that she wanted to introduce you to her friend who is a lesbian the universe was only testing you to see if you are about your word, and committed to your truth. And, you failed. You went back on your own word and did the very thing you said you wouldn’t do. So, after you discovered that she was lying, and had a problem with the truth, it was the perfect opportunity to reassess the situation, and end the relationship at that point. You know you have issues with trust and anger, but you proceeded to pursue this relationship. Big mistake. But, this is what happens when your judgment is clouded, because like most relationships sex was involved, and that will always cloud your judgment.

But, let’s address the fact that she was already in a relationship when she met you, and, though she was breaking it off, she was still in a relationship. And, it was also abusive. So, let’s be real here, she was someone who’d been damaged, and hadn’t properly healed, but, she was leaving one abusive relationship only to end up in another. Yes, you are abusive as well – emotionally and mentally. It may not be physical, but you treat her abusively by throwing her things out, putting her out, and demanding ultimatums from her. That is abusive.

What’s really unfortunate, and sad is that you got upset because she lied and said she had a picture of you and her on her desk, and you threw a tantrum, which you always do, and decided to destroy her things. You did all of this because of a damn picture. Really? Really! Sir, you knew she was a liar. You knew she had a problem with the truth. You put yourself in this situation, so why are you mad at her? You need to be mad at your own damn self. Instead of destroying her things, why not destroy your own –ish!

And, what’s even more sad and frightening is that her kids are involved in this back and forth drama. They are witnessing this debacle unravel every time, living in unstable environments, and no one is thinking of the long-term affects it will have on them. SMDH! And, then you destroy and throw her kid’s things out because you are mad at her? Huh? Really!?! Why is she with you? Why be bothered with you and you keep treating her like this? You are a terror, and regardless of her not being truthful and honest, why not just end the relationship, give her things, and wish her the best. Let her deal with her own demons on her own. She doesn’t need you to terrorize her in the process.

You say you’re in counseling, and you recognize you have anger and trust issues, then why not address these in your sessions? Ugh! Get to the bottom of your own –ish and figure it out! And, I don’t see why you two need to stay together. It’s clear it’s not working, and you both have issues and layered problems that are far deeper than either of you can help each other with. You’re hurting one another, and continuously going back and forth in this pain, drama, and hurt. Hurt people only hurt other people. And, you’re both hurting, hurt, and will continue to hurt one another. Let each other go, move on, and focus on working on you. The only consistent thing about your relationship is that she will lie, you will throw a tantrum, get upset, throw her and her kid’s things out, and put her out. Who has time for this drama? End this –ish, and continue your counseling and be committed to your own healing. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

“LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
Mogul      Hiding In Hip-Hop cover      Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

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