I am in need of some serious advice.
I am 34 years old, no kids, and been with my ex-girlfriend for almost 12 years, off and on, up and down. She is now 32 years old.
My problem is that I am filled with so much guilt and regret because of some of the choices and decisions I made. Me and my ex were in a long distance relationship for quite some time. She’s in Atlanta and I’m in New York, and we were going back and forth. She always used to say to, “You know I can’t do this long distance relationship.” And, I understood that. So, I said ok, I am gonna take care of what I have to do in New York and then move. The problem is we were a little strained, but we were trying to work it out.
Well, we were long distance for most of 2012. We were both trying to work and save money and then move in together. Well, that’s at least what I thought.
That summer she went to Jamaica for about 3 weeks, and apparently she got engaged to her high school boyfriend and didn’t tell anyone. When she told me this it was February of this year, and when she finally told me she was 5 weeks married and pregnant. I could not believe what I was hearing. This is a woman I knew for almost 13 years. I know we were in a long distance relationship, but the thing I can’t understand is that she has been preaching to me that she didn’t want a long distance relationship, but, yet she goes to Jamaica and gets engaged to her high school boyfriend who she hasn’t seen in 4 years, get engaged for six months, and then don’t tell nobody not even her family! And, when she did tell me she said she didn’t want to hurt me.WTF!! What did she think it was gonna do after the fact?
So, now she goes to Jamaica and marries her high school boyfriend, and on top of that he can’t fly to America because he doesn’t have a Visa or green card, and she’s 5 months pregnant. She signed up to be this man’s 4th baby mother. He has 4 kids already. I mean come on. Really!?!?!
Ever since then I have been in a massive state of depression. I can’t eat, or sleep. I cut of my inner circle. I lost almost 30 pounds. I’m just so alone and isolated. I hate going to work. I just come home and sit in the dark everyday for the last couple of months. I just can’t stop thinking I caused this to happen. I could’ve just moved or been there more often, but because I chose to chase money and to have a stable income this happened. I feel like this caused me my happiness with her.
She kept telling me about time wasting time and that her clock was ticking. What freaking clock?
But, my thing is I understand that. If you were going to go that route then how come you didn’t make that move with me, someone who lives in New York? How can she get engaged and don’t tell me for six months? How can she not give me my chance to crash that freaking wedding, because we all know it’s not gonna last.
On top of that I know she’s gonna come back around, and the fact that the next time I am gonna see her is with another man’s child.
It is really killing me to know I waited for that experience with her and to know she just gave it to another man without any warning. It’s just really difficult to handle that. I just need some advice. I am really going through it man. – Mr. Really Confused and Used
Dear Mr. Really Confused and Used,
That’s straight low down gutter –ish right there! SMDH! If I ain’t heard it all! Jesus be a fence, rope, and bridge. WOW! This is some –ish right here! (Let me get my morning gin and juice to calm my nerves).
You mean to tell me that she went to Jamaica for three weeks, and you knew she was going for that long, and you were not going with her? (How Stella got her groove back) See, right there, I would have been like, hold up! What the hell you doing in Jamaica for three weeks? It appears it may be a hometown since you mentioned she got engaged to her high school boyfriend who is from there, and he can’t leave the country. But, you’re letting your girlfriend travel alone to Jamaica? Oh, hell to the naw!
Then, dude has four other children already, and she lined up to be baby momma number four?! And, she knowingly does this? Welp, let’s you know what type of woman she is. I’ll let you call that one. And, not to harp on this, but she married him, and she waited until February to tell you? So, the entire time she was leading you on, and giving you a false sense of hope for spending her life with you while you were saving up money and getting things together, but, she was a married woman pregnant with child! She is a bish! A low down bish!
Look, you are truly in pain and hurting. Your letter reeks of heartbreak. There were moments when you were addressing your ex-girlfriend directly, and I felt this. Your letter was actually directed toward her. You wanted to let her know how you feel, what you’re going through, what she’s done to you, and you simply want answers.
The fact that you are feeling depressed, and have not eaten, or can’t sleep causes me concern. Especially that you have cut off your friends, don’t want to engage in anything, and you are just moving through life carrying this inner pain and hurt with you is not healthy emotionally or mentally. I am urging you to please find someone, a counselor, or therapist and talk with them about this. Get into some therapy as soon as possible. You need someone to speak with. DO NOT hold this in, and try to deal with this on your own. Getting help, and talking with a professional will help you to heal, and slowly recover and move on.
And, please don’t cut off your inner circle. They are your friends, and they will help you get through this. So, please lean on your friends, one of your boy’s, or someone you feel you can talk to who has a good ear and they will listen to you. You need your friends because they will be a strong support system for you.
Now, what your ex-girlfriend has done to you is trifling, low down, sneaky, deceitful, and shady! Hell, that is some straight bull-ish, and you should be angry, and upset. You want me to put some roots on her? Just kidding. But, I know some people who know some people who know someone. Let me know now. LOL!
On the real, you cannot hold on to this pain and anger. It is consuming you, and it can potentially damage you for a long time to come. You do not want this to cripple you and prevent you from future potential relationships with good women you may meet. I don’t want you to internalize this and project your ex’s behavior onto other women, and you build of wall of distrust of women. This could lead you to not think of women as honest, and that they are only out to hurt you. Please seek help before you internalize this pain and hurt as such.
I know it’s devastating to learn that the woman you were committed to, willing to give up everything for, and the woman you wanted to make your wife suddenly and out of nowhere changes the entire course and dynamic of your relationship in an instant. Why did she do what she did? Only she knows. We have some insights, but her rationale and decision to do it while she was still with you is callous and cold.
But, here’s the thing. You’ve been in a long distance relationship for nearly 12 years. I mean in that time someone could have made a move, or something. Twelve years and you’re still in a long distance relationship?!? What were you taking care of in New York for 12 years? I mean you were asking her to wait on you until you got your plan together, and stack up on some money, but 12 years? In that time she did tell you that she didn’t and couldn’t do a long distance relationship. She wasn’t feeling it, and wanted you there with her. But, I’m curious as to why didn’t she move with you? What was preventing her from moving to New York?
And, she did tell you that her biological clock was ticking. She wanted to have kids. She wanted a family. So, the fact that both of you spent your entire 20s in a long distance relationship hoping it will work, and someone would move, it seems she got fed up and tired of waiting. Which will explain her making a rash decision while she was in Jamaica to get engage to her high school boyfriend (Someone she was familiar with, and had known), and, because she was thinking she wanted to have kids, be a wife, and have a family she did it with someone she had a history with.
Yes, she knew she was wrong that is why she didn’t tell her family, friends, or you. That is why she waited so long to finally tell you the truth. She knew she was dead wrong and trifling. She didn’t want anyone to talk her out of what she really wanted. And, everyone would have told her not to be so haste, and that you are a good guy, and to talk it out and work it out with you. But, she was tired of waiting, tired of sitting in Atlanta alone, and tired of being childless.
I’m sure all her friends were probably getting married, and starting families, and she wanted that. She longed for that, and in a complete out-of-the blue irrational decision she took matters into her own hands and figured she’d deal with the fallout afterward.
Her cold-heartedness did not take into account what this would do to you. Her selfishness and immature thinking was not about the twelve years you’d been together, or how much love you had for her. She is truly low down and dirty to have done what she did, and then didn’t tell you immediately. It was after she was engaged, and pregnant! WOW!
I know it’s hard, and I know you’re hurting, but get into therapy and counseling. You have twelve years of unraveling, pain, hurt, and unresolved love to deal with. You need a professional to help you with this. Also, the only one who has the answers to all of this is your ex. She is the only one who can tell you why she did what she did. She is the only one who can tell you her rationale and decision to do this to you. But, again, I strongly urge that you get into therapy and counseling so you can manage your hurt and anger so that you can properly address her without being angry and mad and wanting to do harm or hurt her. Which I’m sure you won’t. But, you need someone to help you manage your emotions and feelings. And, please reach out to your friends, family, and loved ones. Don’t allow this to fester and consume you. It will emotionally and mentally cripple you. I wish you the best in your healing. – Terrance Dean
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