Dear Bossip: After 3 Years Together He Still Doesn't Have A Car, No Job & Wants To Sit At Home

Dear Bossip,

About three years ago I was in school and I had decided to start dating one of the guys who attended the same school with me.

He wasn’t my type. He lived with his mom, didn’t have a car, but I was so into his personality. Even though he was a felon I was still enjoying the time we spent. He’d spoil me, buy me clothes and shoes, and spoil my son. He was the perfect man.

About three months into the relationship I decided to let him move into my apartment that I had just moved in 4 months prior. He is a horrible cook. He can’t fix anything. And, I think he is a plain idiot. I started to see something different.

About a year into our relationship he decided to quit his job and the bills began to pile up on me. As I was told a man is supposed to be a provider, but I’m constantly fighting with a grown man on why he isn’t acting like so. We argued about bills for months and I had finally decided I’ve had enough. I packed his clothes and he was gone for about 3 days. During that time I found out I was pregnant. I wasn’t excited because I didn’t want another child unless I was married. I had a very complicated pregnancy and he didn’t help me do anything. He was so mean to me and I had finally called him one thing a man hates to be called, “a b***h.” He left again and this time he took a TV, computer, toaster, and all the things to make me upset. He came back 2 days later and apologized and swore he’d do better.

From that point all I ever heard was complaints about work, and how he’s tired. I just think that is so weak for a man to be so b****y. When I had our son he was the worse. I’d be home taking care of the baby while he’s at work, and then be up all night. He never helped with bottles and he’d ignore the baby in the middle of the night. I feel like he’s so childish and needs to grow up. He’s a mama’s boy and I’m fed up.

Recently, I got a new job and he’s jealous. He’s always moping around. I ask him what’s wrong and he always says nothing. Now that I’m around people with a lot more money I want more success so I’m trying to push him too. He’s made no progress in three years. He still has no car, he wants to smoke weed and sit at home. He drives my car while I’m at work. He’s a horrible babysitter, a terrible lover, and I’m just through with him. I keep telling him I don’t want to be with him but he has nowhere else to go. I feel like now I’m stuck in a relationship because I feel sorry for someone. What do I do? I just want my space with me and my kids and not him. – Over It

Dear Ms. Over It,

Well, stop enabling him. You are enabling him and his behavior. You are just as complicit as he is. You let him sit up in your home smoking weed, with no car, and not contributing to the household for three years. So, why are you complaining? I love how some of you women will complain about your man, but you knew what you were getting when you met him, and you overlook all of his “none having” things because you are so desperate to have a man. Desperation will make you do some dumb a** -ish, like moving him into YOUR home.

Prime example: You let him move in with you despite the fact that you’d only been dating for three months. Three months, ma’am?!? You let a man move into your home after three months, and you’d only been living there four months. SMDH! You don’t know anything about a man in three months. Hell, it takes a good six months for him to start really showing his true colors, and who he really is. But, a smart, intelligent, and wise woman will notice his behaviors and personality within a month. Trust!

But, you were desperate and lonely. Know how I know. You said he wasn’t your type. And, because he bought you some clothes and shoes, and spoiled you and your son, you thought he was the perfect guy. How? Based on what? Because he bought you some Juicy Couture sweat pants. A coach bag. A pair of Aldo shoes. Girl, please stop. He was a felon, with no car, and living at home with his momma. If he was so perfect, then he shouldn’t have been buying you those gifts, and you shouldn’t have accepted them. You should have encouraged him to save his money to get his own place, and to get a car! That’s what a real woman would have done. Not move him in with you! That’s a** backwards!

As a matter of fact, hell, you could have just gone downtown in your city and picked up a homeless man, brought him home, cleaned him up, and moved him in. Please explain to me what is so different about your man and a homeless man? Your man didn’t have –ish, wasn’t about –ish, and still ain’t about –ish. At least a homeless man will go look for work, motive himself to find food, and use the local library to read, use the computer, and at least search for a job. Your man won’t do any of this. Your man wants someone to take care of him. Girl, put his a** out! He will figure out what to do.

Moving along. What’s sad is that you moved him in with you and you knew he didn’t have anything. He was a grown a** man living at home with his momma, and he didn’t have a car. Chile, I swear you women love these “Fixer-upper” relationships. You want to find a man who is broke, no job, no motivation, no ambition, living with his momma, smokes weed all day, no car, and hangs with his boys all day and all night. The only thing he brings to the table is some d**k, and because he has a few moves in bed, and makes love to you, welp, no. Let me take that back. He freaks you and you mistakenly think he’s making love to you because you’re in love. All of a sudden you want to invest in him, build him, change him, and be the one to fix him. SMDH!

So, you invest in these “Fixer-upper” relationships because you think you can make him better. You can motivate him to be the man you want him to be. You can inspire him, encourage him, and get him to change. LMBAO! Ladies, please stop it. You can’t change, fix, or build a man into who you want him to be. If he isn’t about that work life, then he won’t be. If he is not about that family life, then he won’t be.

Ma’am, what you know for sure about your man, and what he has shown you in the past three years is that he is about that weed life. He is about that sit at home all day life. He is about that not having a car and bus life. He is about that letting a woman take care of him life. Ma’am, you inherited his momma’s problem because he did the same thing while he was living with her. And, you’ve become his surrogate mother.

Chile, I wish I might go to work while my man sits at home all day smoking weed, and driving my car. The hell!!! No ma’am, no how, no way!

By the way, and for the record, he is not babysitting his own child. If he is watching, caring for, and living with his children, then he is being and doing what he is supposed to be doing – Being a father. The hell you talking about babysitting!!!

Please pack his –ish, put him out, and let him worry about not having any place to go. It’s not your problem. Hell, let him go back to his momma’s house. But, don’t let him back into your home once you put him out. Stand firm, and start working on you and your children. Focus on rebuilding you and your life. Put him on child support, and let the courts work out the visitation and custody, which I’m certain will be in your favor considering he has no job, no money, and no place to live. And, please don’t become the bitter, angry, and difficult baby momma. Just realize it didn’t work. He is not the man you thought, felt, or hoped he would be. Look at him as a lesson learned, and don’t make the same mistake again. No more “Fixer-upper” relationships, or men. If he isn’t bringing anything to the table already, doesn’t have anything going on, no ambition, no motivation, living at home with his momma, and no car, then leave him where he is. – Terrance Dean