Writing in for advice is so out of my norm, but I’m at my wits end. I guess I’m looking for perspective mostly.
I am in the weirdest relationship on the planet with the father of my children. We’ve been an on and off item for over 7 years. The good times through the bad times, our ratio is at 50/50. I love him like family at this point. And being that I’m only 28-years old and have spent most of my adult life with this man, I am comfortable and at home.
The problem is he does not respect/appreciate me and the role I play in his life. I supported him (more emotionally than financial) through three years of college while raising our oldest on my own. Since graduation, he has REFUSED to grow up. Yes, when we first got together life was a party. We’d sleep late every day. Get drunk every night (sometimes in the day if it were a special occasion) and be all kinds of irresponsible. But, the moment I became a mother, I knew it was time to change all that. Now, it seems that the better parent I aim to be, the further apart we are.
In a last ditch effort to patch our broken bond, we became pregnant with our youngest little guy. Little man is 14 months old and the past 24 months have been the worst ever for us. The cheating became rampant. The lies were every other sentence. The disrespect is off the charts!
I was battling some serious depression during and immediately after my pregnancy. This man stayed literally right down the street and I barely saw him. Eventually the kids and I moved in with him (he’s trying to buy a house). It made financial sense because we could share the bills. It made sense for my kids because they would have unlimited access to both parents. But, now that we are there, he doesn’t come home. He doesn’t keep up with his share of the bills. He parties all the time. He is on his 3rd DUI.
What is it going to take to wake this man up?! What is it going to take to see what’s right in front of him? I’ve tried leaving several times. But, whenever I do, he uses that as a hall pass to slack on everything, including being a father. If I’m not involved, it’s like pulling teeth to get him involved with his children and never on his own initiative. I have to ask or insist or curse him the hell out about doing my babies like that.
I don’t know what to do because I feel a level of guilt when it comes to that. Like maybe I should take one for the team and be a Persian rug so that my son’s dad can be a constant presence in their life. But, this idea can’t be healthy. And if I’m not whole, how can I raise whole children? –Can’t Raise A Grown Man
Dear Ms. Can’t Raise A Grown Man,
UGH!! Please, stop trying to raise grown men/boys. Why do you women continue dating these boys with grown men bodies? He is not a man. He is boy. You are raising three children, and you’re perfectly okay with it because you stay. Threatening to leave is not leaving. Trying to leave is not leaving. How do you try to leave? That boggles my mind when I hear women say that. You either leave or you don’t. You don’t try. Just do it! Damn! Pack your –ish, move out, get you a place, and start being about your business. It’s not that difficult.
Ma’am, listen up, you’ve already resigned to raising YOUR children alone. If you re-read YOUR letter the relationship is not a joint and collaborative effort. The relationship is about YOU. It’s what YOU want. It’s what YOU desire. And, the children are YOUR children.
Notice that YOU supported him through college. And, you partied with him, drank with him, and led a reckless lifestyle. Uhm, sweetie, why would you even think he would be a responsible parent? Why would you even think he would be someone that would be serious enough to settle down with? All you did was party, drink, sleep in, and have reckless sex.
Who the hell wants to have a relationship, and children with a man who cheats, lies, parties, doesn’t come home, and an alcoholic with three DUIs? UGH! I truly don’t understand the rationale that many of you women have in choosing mates. What is so appealing about him that you decide to lay down, have unprotected sex, and think that one day you will be a family? I forget, you were partying with him, and you become one of the boys. You felt that you could keep up with him. The only way to have him you went with the program. And, when you wanted something serious, it was too late. You already had started down a path and there was no turning back. So sad! You jeopardize yourself and well-being for some drunkard d**k.
But, notice that you had children either to save the relationship, or to fix something. That is the very wrong reason to have children. You don’t bring children into a situation trying to save a relationship. That is asinine and irresponsible. Y’all are some damn donkeys. The hell is wrong with you people! Children are not incidental items that you purchase, or pick up randomly and *insert here* for your own purposes. They are human beings with souls and spirits. They have emotions and feelings. They can sense when a parent is not giving them love. And, one day your children will ask, “Does daddy love us? Why doesn’t daddy come home? Why doesn’t daddy do things with us?”
Having children to fix your broken relationship is not a cure, or remedy. You work on your relationship as two grown a** adults, and try to work out your drama before having children. You communicate effectively, figure out what the problem is, work at it together, and then you move forward. Particularly, you want to discuss marriage, where do you see the relationship going, how do you proceed as a couple, and what is important to the both of you. You don’t have children and then try to figure it out. That’s just dumb as hell!
Next, your relationship is about YOU supporting him, and his dream. What do you desire for yourself? What dreams do you have? What do you want out of life? Your entire relationship is about doing what he wants to do, and you following him. I don’t gather you’ve ever sat down with him and discussed what you wanted out of a relationship. I truly don’t think you considered it would be in the best interest of your own self, your own identity, and your own body to do what made you happy, and brought you joy. You tried to turn a party, and good time relationship into a one-on-one monogamous commitment. It will never work. It was doomed from the beginning. He’s the typical college party boy, who continues his partying ways post college, and well into his adult life.
We all know the type. He’s the good time guy. He likes to drink, act a fool, and he is the life of the party. He flirts, sleeps around, and even though he may have a steady girlfriend, everyone knows he’s cheating on her and won’t say anything because he’s a partier. His boys won’t check him because they are probably doing the same thing. He will never become the man you want him to be. So, either you accept that, or you leave.
I find it odd that you claim he is not responsible, but, yet, he was responsible enough to graduate college despite the drinking and partying. And, it appears he has a job, so he must be responsible enough to get up and go to work every day. Also, you mentioned that he is interested in buying a house. Therefore, I deduce that he is responsible enough to have gotten his credit in order, and he is saving money to purchase a home. So, one thing we both can agree on is that his absence from the house, you and his children’s lives, and his irresponsibility in being a parent, or father is very real. However, notice the contradiction of what he is willing to commit to versus what he is not committing to. And, that you and the children are not a priority to him. He probably does not want to be a family, or to be married, and he wants to continue partying, having a good time, and have things be like they used to be.
He lies, he’s cheated, and he doesn’t come home. Clear signs of a man who is not happy at home. He doesn’t do anything unless you yell, curse, and threaten to leave. He doesn’t want to be there. He is a drunk, alcoholic, and has three DUIs. What happens when he is drinking and driving with your kids in the car? Will you leave then? Yes, this is where I agree he is irresponsible. He jeopardizes his own life, and continues to drink and drive knowing the consequences. Therefore, if he doesn’t care about his own life, then he certainly will not care about you and his children’s lives.
He needs help. He has a drinking problem. There is an underlying issue to his drinking, partying, cheating, lying, and refusal to be a father, or parent. Something is clearly wrong, and unfortunately, whether you know it or not, but you are contributing to his behavior. Until you actually leave, demand he get himself together, get into treatment, and help himself, then you will continue to get what you’ve been getting. It’s time you grew up, got out, and start thinking about your children’s future. You do not want them to repeat his behaviors. And, if you don’t want your children involved in his fourth DUI, then it’s time to be serious and demand better for yourself. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean